28 Questions Q8 | 5+31+19

Q8: Where in your life do you need to slow down & take your time?

A8: Getting my kids back

I’ve thought on this a bit and I know that this is going to be super hard, but it will be so worth it when the time arrives for me to pursue custody. I have a bad habit of rushing through things that I cannot wait for. Something I am excited or anxious about and I just want to hurry up and get tot the end result.

But I simply cannot do that with getting back the kids. God, knows I wish that I could, but I have to do this right. If I make one single mistake it can set me back so drastically. I don’t want to spend any more time away from them that I have too. However, I have a plan that I have set out so that it is fool & fail proof. Because failure is not an option. When the time comes and I am ready for court and paperwork I will be able to sit back and let it happen.

How? Well, all I can say is that I have been planning this for months and still have a lot to get in order. This is the world wide web and that my friends keeps me from saying anymore.

I tell myself everyday, ” Just slow down Candance, it will happen soon enough. Your time is coming and God is with you every step of the way so keep hanging on sweet girl.”

I’ve thought over and over 1000000 times what that day is going to be like! 🙂

That is all for now my loves!

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q7 | 05+30+19

Q7: Name a thing you love about your body & your personality

A7: My eyes or smile & that i’m goofy!

I don’t really like talking about these parts of me because I’d rather dig deeper into life lol but these are fun questions too.

My eyes because they are super dark blue but when I’m mad or upset they turn gray! And when I’m really excited or happy they have a real deep blue and green tint to them. So they change and I like that. If you want to know how I’m feeling its easily done by looking into/at my eyes. I give it all away by those things alone! Take a look!

From late last year but I love my eyes here! Notice the bluish green? I was soon fixing to see my kids!

As for my smile because I just couldn’t choose! My teeth are not the straightest and my teeth defintely could use a whitening treatment but I take care of them as much as the every day stuff will allow. But I really like my smile because its BIG! And when I’m smiling it is GENUINE! I don’t fake that shit! Because thats not me. I’ve had ex-boyfriends tell me that I have that smile that will light up a room & a laugh too hahah but hey who really knows! Anyways, take a look yourself!

So my personality is crazy yall! I am outgoing and goofy. Being so goofy is my favorite for sure. I love to make people laugh and most of the time I do a good job at it. If its singing out so loud that you can’t help but laugh or dancing like the redneck next door, there’s no doubt your going to laugh! I am that goofy girl who will make sure your laughing. That is what is so dang great about yours truly! So here ya go. Me being me! Take a look.

Recovery is Freedom

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q6 | 5+29+19

Q6: What do you need to forgive yourself for?

A6: the past 3 years of mistakes aka drug use

Oh I knew that I would have to get into this part of my life while answering these questions. I don’t know how to really even explain my answer other than to tell you all that I chose drugs over everything and everyone in my life. Yes that is including my children, sadly. This is something I have been working on for a while now. Because I need to forgive myself if I want God, my children, and my family/friends to forgive me too. I made so many mistakes that it’s hard to list them all. I didn’t start out choosing drugs first over everything and everyone else. I was managing my pill habit just fine but then I started to make the choice to not pay bills and I chased that high. Once I realized I needed to stop the pills I started to do Meth and that was an even bigger mistake because with pills I was still myself mostly but with Meth, nothing else really matters but Meth.

I can’t tell you why I let it get so bad only that it did and it happen quickly. I love my children more than my own life and how Meth was able to diminish that out of me I’ll never understand. But it did and that’s why I choose to not do it now, because I can no longer have my children believing that I love DRUGS more than I love them. I let them down so much. I allowed their dad to get custody, I stopped showing up for things that I promised I would, I stopped playing with them, I stopped listening to them, I stopped tucking them in bed at night, I stopped saying their prayers with them. I didn’t let them cook dinner with me, dancing in the kitchen, singing in the car, playing outside, showing them my undeniable love. It breaks my heart to know that I in so many ways let them down. God, I pray they allow me to make it up to them one day.

Forgive
verb

stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
definition of forgive

To forgive myself I need to do what is listed above. Have a fully forgiven myself? No! But I am making progress. I still get that knot in my stomach when I talk about what my drug use did to my children. I don’t know if that will go away or if it is part of my healing. I know that I am living every single day for my kids; for getting back to them. See their dad J, he seems to think that me out of their life forever is what is best. They have their step mom Ash and a perfect little life with them. But she is not me and neither of them can love them the way that I do.

I faltered for a moment and God knows I at times want to take it back but I love them with every single fiber of my SOUL!

If I had not gone through of the things I have went through the past year I would not be able to be who I am today. And I am happy with who I am. Later down the road my children are going to face situations like I have and I want to be able to be honest with them when I say ” I understand what your going through”.

Something their father nor Ash will be able too.

Because of their super clean life.

Lets face it. We have 4 children and of those 4 at least 1 if not 2 of them are going to face the drug world. And because I have been through what I have I will know how hard it will be to not do them, stop doing them, or battle with addiction. And because of all this I will be able to help them through it. I know now that God put me through that struggle for reasons. So I am able to start forgiving myself for doing the drugs. I am also in the process of forgiving myself for letting my children down so drastically. This is a little bit harder because I cannot talk to my kids right now.

J refuses to let me.

That is his mistake.

My gain

In time, however, my sweet perfect babies will know that I was sick but not one moment in time did I ever stop loving them.

In time, I’ll have them back. In time, they’ll have me back too.

Just wait and see.

Recovery is Freedom

@sobersoulchic

Sober Soul Chic | 5+28+19

I’ve been doing some soul searching. Trying to really find what I want to do in life. I think we all have some kind of message we are supposed to share. I am constantly on the search for mine. And for years even before my battle with addiction I have always felt like I was supposed to somehow help those who struggle with addiction.

Since I was a baby I’ve been around drugs. My father, “Pedro” is an addict, my moms an addict, my grandfather, uncles, aunt, and even my dad “Steve”. Everyone except my grandmother has battled addiction. So it’s in my blood, in my gene’s, and in my soul! However, I have decided to WIN THE WAR & be a Sober Soul Chic in the mix! I am going to do all that I can to share and educate those on how to get sober, stay sober, & be free of the chains & pain addiction gives them.

This blog, Chaotic Candance started out as a place for my kids to see me post videos for them and find me one day, but it has grew to be something more. In fact, when my kids do go looking for me and they come across this blog I want them to see good I am trying to do and what I am becoming. Because no one is my inspiration more than my 4 beautiful babies!

This is going to be a ever-changing, continuously growing, and beautiful thing building for a while until Sober Soul Chic aka Chic Sober is fully bloomed but I can’t wait to see what it becomes.

This is what I’m meant to do. Share my story and share other’s stories to show all those who battle with addiction that RECOVERY is possible! And most importantly show my kids that I AM SOBER & CLEAN & IN RECOVERY FOR THEM!

So as I do some new branding, updating sites & post, figuring out how to really hit the ground running, & sharing the brand new Sober Soul Chic I hope you’ll be encouraging and give any advice you might have!

Much love!

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q5 | 5+28+19

Q5: What is something you need to start saying YES to?

A5: Going to church more!

I don’t go to church nearly enough! It simply was not something my mother and I did growing up. So it’s a bit more difficult implement into my life as an adult. However, TJ & I went just this pass Sunday and let me tell you it was emotional. By the end of the service we were both in tears and I know now that I want and will be going back again. Over the past year I have gotten a closer relationship with my God and I definitely need to exercise that in all parts of my life. I know that God provides for us and we need to shower ourselves in his love so that we can see the true joy he will give us. So from here on out I want to make sure that I start saying YES when my uncle ask me to come to his service.

Yes my Uncle Lez is a Preacher and a funny one at that! I don’t want to offend anyone who follows my blog by speaking about religion so at this point if you’d rather not continue reading I understand but I want to share with you a FB live video of one of his services.

+CC

28 Questions Q4 | 5+27+19

Q4: What is a compliment you struggle to accept about yourself?

A4: that i am sexxi! OMG did i just say that?

This is somethings that is hard for me to accept. My boyfriend tells me this almost every single day.

“Babydoll you are so sexxi!” And almost immediately I say “whatever” or “your crazy” and he sometimes will say to me, “Why don’t you just accept it”

But its hard because I don’t always feel it. I mean when I think of a sexxi woman I think Jennifer Anniston in Horrible Bosses or Jessica Alba in Honey. But not Candance in everyday life! HaHa. I am not insecure. I feel beautiful most days. I love my body, my hair, my mind, and more but unless I am dressed to the max and got a little sexxi number on I don’t consider myself sexxi. So therefore it is hard for me to accept that compliment. I consider myself everyday beautiful. Just normal not sexxi. But I’m working on that!

+CC

28 Questions Q3 | 5+26+19

Q3: What good habit do you want to begin next month?

A3: CONSISTENCY

I am getting better! But this is something that I sometimes can fall back on. I will get side tracked or distracted and not do what I need to on a regular basis.

con·sist·en·cy
/kənˈsistənsē/
Learn to pronounce
noun

1.
conformity in the application of something, typically that which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness.

So there you have it. I need to be more consistent! I’ve given myself a head start on here for doing this next month because I’ve dedicated myself to this 28 Questions series and I really want to follow it through. The questions get more in-tune with who I am a little later into it. So far I am enjoying this! I think that in June I want to do a Questions series tailored around Addiction. I feel like its something I need to do!

Anyways, I’ve went and got myself one of the beautiful planners from,–> The Happy Planner! They are super fun and insanely pretty! You can create your own personalized planner and make planning fun! This is hopefully going to help me organize all that I have going on and what I have to do and it’ll be pretty too! You should definitely check them out here @ —-> website shop where you can get awesome deals! They are also sold here –> Wal-Mart There are tons of styles, stickers, & journals!

Well, that is all for this one. Until next time

+CC

28 Questions Q2 | 5+25+19

Q2: What is a limiting belief that you have about yourself that you can let go?

A2: that i need someone to lead me or to survive in life!

That is NEED someone to lead me or survive! This has been a problem for me almost my whole life and I really don’t even know why because I have survived on my own many time. As a child I had to take care of myself from time to time because it was just my mother & I. She would be working, off on drunk or drug spree, or just simply not around. I learned early how to cook for myself, clean, be by myself & much more by the age of 10/12 years old. Then once I got married to J he was mostly deployed for months at a time and I was at home with the kids doing the day to day life alone as well. This is where I picked up my strong ability to care for our children. And since I’ve gotten divorced I have had parts of life where I have survived on my own but panicked thinking I couldn’t.

I’ve showed myself that I am able. That I can make it on my own or with someone beside me. Throughout my entire life. But still to this very day I feel a sense of dependency. Why? I can’t tell you. Maybe, it has something to do with me having this huge need to feel NEEDED? Could that be? Have you ever felt like you wanted/needed to be needed so bad that you actually thought you NEEDED someone else instead? Crazy way to think of things but I honestly feel like that’s it.

This belief in myself limits me from time to time I know. I hope that being truly on my own will conquer that and give me a sense of freedom from myself. Because I can survive life without anyone. I want to be needed but not always in life will I be able to be fulfilled on this. I know this now and I can maybe move past it.

What about you? Please feel free to share with me. I’d love to know

+Chaotic Candance.

28 Questions Q1 | 5+24+19

I think we all forget to remind ourselves sometimes that we are good & beautiful. So for the lack there of I decided to answer 28 Questions that are related to me, myself, & I.

I found this idea on Pintrest and think it’s going to really open up my mind to see that I have come a long way and that I am still a good person even though I have made some really bad choices. I hope maybe you will enjoy getting to know me a little better too. These answer’s may be short and then again they may be long, but guarantee they will be a reflection of me and honest!

Q1: What is your biggest struggle with loving yourself?

A1: Its’ not that I don’t love myself, because I do. But there are many different parts of me that I don’t feel secure about. I have messed up so drastically in the recent years that I feel like I am so very much imperfect. Physically I love myself. I consider myself attractive & a beautiful person. Internally I am a good person but I have just made so many wrong choices and this makes it a bit harder to really say that I love myself. Now, I am starting to love myself again so that is progress. I can look in the mirror now and be content with the woman staring back at me. I can look at her and know that she is taking steps every day to be a better person than she used to be. I just still have many things to make up for before I can really love myself. I am my biggest struggle. Because I can’t love myself until I have corrected the wrongs for losing who I was before the drugs and bullshit life I was living that caused me to lose my children. I am making hella progress but I’m not fully there yet.

Push, Push, Push|5+22+19

Today my friends is a bit harder than some. You see, most day’s I can control my emotions. I don’t allow them to control me or overwhelm me because once I do I know I am subject to a setback. I am making progress though because today I have let myself run with my emotions but not set back too much.

Emotionally I’m screwed up today.

I’ve felt lonely. I’ve cried without immediate reason. I’ve thought to much on what I don’t have. Tears, frustration, anger,doubt, & sadness has overfilled me today.

This is the shit I don’t like!

Because understand what I am saying when I feel these emotions. I hit my knee’s out of nowhere because I can’t breath from crying. I feel a tightening in my chest because I literally become aware of my children absence in my life both physically and emotionally. I get snappy with someone I love because I am frustrated that I am not already at the point of being able to see or talk to the kids. I tell myself over and over out loud how STUPID I was messing up our lives over drugs and insane chaos. I feel a pressing cloud of anxiety because I start to doubt myself and where I can go and what I can achieve because the emotions are consuming me. I can’t even look at a picture of them and be happy. Because sadness has taken over me completely. THEY are my happiness but on days like today I am so aware that my happiness is NOWHERE near me or my life and I can’t take it.

I just need these emotions to pass! I am almost 100 days sober! I have a good job, a place of my own, a truck of my own, money in my bank account, my health, someone who loves me and supports me, family that is there for me every step of the way, & a God above that has blessed me, especially here lately.

Life is coming together.

Life is progressing along .

Life isn’t being completely unfair to me.

Life is worth living again.

Life is moving in the direction I need it to so that I can be a great mom to my kids.

Life is recovering for me.

These are my reminders that I can and HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THESE EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT TIMES!

I have to keep moving forward to make it back to my children. I can’t be broken and half dazed. No, I have to be completely healed and rejuvenated when I see them next.

So that’s why I come here and I share. Because somehow me writing these words help me by the time I hit publish. I don’t know why but I have to come here and push, push,push these buttons so that I can figure out a way and why I have to push, push, push through life!

That is all for now

+Chaotic Candance

Me feeling millions of emotions!

Feeling the emotions