28 Questions Q21 | 06+13+19

Q21: What is something you’re working on believing you deserve?

A21: My children

I messed up!

My life as a mother was always something that came easy for me. I never struggled with getting them to listen, eat, changing diapers, bedtime, play time, or any of the late up all night never get any sleep, kind of struggles.

I enjoyed every moment of being a mother and it always came easy for me. I loved spending time with my kids, I loved teaching my kids, I loved making them smile, I loved everything about being a mom. There wasn’t a better life for me. I never said “What would my life be like without them” because I never wanted to know what life would be like without them. I just knew I would always have them.

I took it granted and then…

It happened.

I realized I was waking up and going to sleep without them and then before I kenw it I was always awake with out them because I was always high and never sleeping. That is a 24 hour around the clock sometimes more always thinking of thier absense kind of thing. How did I let it get that way so fast.

Anyhow, I’m getting side tracked. The answer is not all that happened, but what or how I am working on believing that I deserve them again. I know that they deserve the best possible life I can give them. Stability, honesty, love, teachings, education, homestead, a walk in life with God, and a mother who is no longer sick nor neglegent of not only herself but her children as well.

So I messed up and started to believe that Jon deserved them more than I do because he doesn’t battle with addiction, lives with stability, and all the finer things that comes along with not struggling in life. He provides for them and does a fantastic job at doing so.

I have not always done the best at those things but I am changing that . I am setting my roots, keeping a job, saving money, going to church, establishing life where I am loved, respected, and honorable. I feel that as each days passes without my kids since Feburary 17, 2019 I am another day closer and a million steps closer to deserving my kids in my life. I know I have a bit more to go but I am doing what I need and so deeply want to do for them and for myself and for God.

I am starting to believe in myself again.

That is all for now


28 Questions Q2 | 5+25+19

Q2: What is a limiting belief that you have about yourself that you can let go?

A2: that i need someone to lead me or to survive in life!

That is NEED someone to lead me or survive! This has been a problem for me almost my whole life and I really don’t even know why because I have survived on my own many time. As a child I had to take care of myself from time to time because it was just my mother & I. She would be working, off on drunk or drug spree, or just simply not around. I learned early how to cook for myself, clean, be by myself & much more by the age of 10/12 years old. Then once I got married to J he was mostly deployed for months at a time and I was at home with the kids doing the day to day life alone as well. This is where I picked up my strong ability to care for our children. And since I’ve gotten divorced I have had parts of life where I have survived on my own but panicked thinking I couldn’t.

Chaotic Candance

I’ve showed myself that I am able. That I can make it on my own or with someone beside me. Throughout my entire life. But still to this very day I feel a sense of dependency. Why? I can’t tell you. Maybe, it has something to do with me having this huge need to feel NEEDED? Could that be? Have you ever felt like you wanted/needed to be needed so bad that you actually thought you NEEDED someone else instead? Crazy way to think of things but I honestly feel like that’s it.

This belief in myself limits me from time to time I know. I hope that being truly on my own will conquer that and give me a sense of freedom from myself. Because I can survive life without anyone. I want to be needed but not always in life will I be able to be fulfilled on this. I know this now and I can maybe move past it.

What about you? Please feel free to share with me. I’d love to know

+Chaotic Candance.