Rant | 06+05+19

For everything inside of me I am struggling the past few days. All I want to do is hold or see my beautuiful babies! Sometimes I find myself in a mid-day frantic because I start to think what if they are forgetting about me?

You know so many people has judge me during this time in my life. All they see though is that one day I was a super-fantastic mom and then

booooooommmmmmmmm!

I’m not a mother anymore because j got custody!

And they think that I just let it happen. That I wanted it that way? Are they insane! Something deeper and much darker was consuming me and I couldn’t fucking stop it! I didn’t just stop wanting or loving them.

I was Freaking sick!

And it was so damm hard to control!

I didn’t know how to deal! I didn’t know that it was going to ruin me and ruin their lives too!

I tried so hard to control it.

Tried to let go.

Tried to hold on.

I freaking failed!

And now he just keeps them away from me! I don’t get no say in my place in thier life?

I get to be erased?

I get to be discontinued?

I get to be forgotten?

they are my children too!!!!!!!!!!

Why does he have to act like he just so damm perfect! Like he knows EVERYTHING! And that he is all that is grand and holy for our children!

Because he has a new wife that PRETENDS SHE IS ME!

I MATTER TO THEM TOO!!!!

I know I made mistakes and bad choices but that does not make me a bad person or a bad mom! No one will ever be able to change that I am thier mother, no matter how much they might want too!

No, one can say that I didn’t love them! Because I did and I do!

I told Judge Hall that I thought they would be better at J & Ash’s place because I knew I couldn’t care for them to the best of my ability at that time!

can you imagine how hard that was for me!?

From front to back:
Jaylynn
Me
Alyssa
Haylie
Zacary

The hardest moment ever in my life! I try to message him! I try to call him! I try to show him that I am doing well and that I am no longer sick and that I can be consistent and steady and sober and live right! But he won’t even answer the damn phone or text message!

I miss the smell of thier childlike skin, the crooked turn in Zacary’s smiles, the goofiness of Haylie’s laugh, the angel like sweetness of Alyssa’s hugs, & the hold of Jaylynn’s hand in mine! I miss the laughs, the …..

I can’t write anymore..

Until next time

Chic_Sober

28 Questions Q6 | 5+29+19

Q6: What do you need to forgive yourself for?

A6: the past 3 years of mistakes aka drug use

Oh I knew that I would have to get into this part of my life while answering these questions. I don’t know how to really even explain my answer other than to tell you all that I chose drugs over everything and everyone in my life. Yes that is including my children, sadly. This is something I have been working on for a while now. Because I need to forgive myself if I want God, my children, and my family/friends to forgive me too. I made so many mistakes that it’s hard to list them all. I didn’t start out choosing drugs first over everything and everyone else. I was managing my pill habit just fine but then I started to make the choice to not pay bills and I chased that high. Once I realized I needed to stop the pills I started to do Meth and that was an even bigger mistake because with pills I was still myself mostly but with Meth, nothing else really matters but Meth.

I can’t tell you why I let it get so bad only that it did and it happen quickly. I love my children more than my own life and how Meth was able to diminish that out of me I’ll never understand. But it did and that’s why I choose to not do it now, because I can no longer have my children believing that I love DRUGS more than I love them. I let them down so much. I allowed their dad to get custody, I stopped showing up for things that I promised I would, I stopped playing with them, I stopped listening to them, I stopped tucking them in bed at night, I stopped saying their prayers with them. I didn’t let them cook dinner with me, dancing in the kitchen, singing in the car, playing outside, showing them my undeniable love. It breaks my heart to know that I in so many ways let them down. God, I pray they allow me to make it up to them one day.

Forgive

verb

stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

definition of forgive

To forgive myself I need to do what is listed above. Have a fully forgiven myself? No! But I am making progress. I still get that knot in my stomach when I talk about what my drug use did to my children. I don’t know if that will go away or if it is part of my healing. I know that I am living every single day for my kids; for getting back to them. See their dad J, he seems to think that me out of their life forever is what is best. They have their step mom Ash and a perfect little life with them. But she is not me and neither of them can love them the way that I do.

I faltered for a moment and God knows I at times want to take it back but I love them with every single fiber of my SOUL!

If I had not gone through of the things I have went through the past year I would not be able to be who I am today. And I am happy with who I am. Later down the road my children are going to face situations like I have and I want to be able to be honest with them when I say ” I understand what your going through”.

Something their father nor Ash will be able too.

Because of their super clean life.

Lets face it. We have 4 children and of those 4 at least 1 if not 2 of them are going to face the drug world. And because I have been through what I have I will know how hard it will be to not do them, stop doing them, or battle with addiction. And because of all this I will be able to help them through it. I know now that God put me through that struggle for reasons. So I am able to start forgiving myself for doing the drugs. I am also in the process of forgiving myself for letting my children down so drastically. This is a little bit harder because I cannot talk to my kids right now.

J refuses to let me.

That is his mistake.

My gain

In time, however, my sweet perfect babies will know that I was sick but not one moment in time did I ever stop loving them.

In time, I’ll have them back. In time, they’ll have me back too.

Just wait and see.

Recovery is Freedom

@sobersoulchic