The moment came so fast and out of nowhere that I didn’t have time to fight it even if I had wanted too. I’m so thankful! I want to share with you what moment I decided to get sober. Here is my Sober Life: The Moment
There are times I look back during The Dark Days that I even wonder how I am still here to even share with you my journey. I, so many times consumed so much Meth that I surely should have died! Going through 2-3 grams of dope BY MYSELF a day! And I remember that in those moments I use to think, “Damm this is all I got? How are we going to get more, this shit isn’t gonna last an hour!”
Sounds crazy but it is true. Of course TJ & I would end up crazy out of our minds either fighting or on some wild ass adventure to get more. There are memories that are not all bad of course, but that is another post I definitely have to write about!
Anyways, we would takeout in his moms car for hours and hours and hustle our way into another few grams until that was gone. Sometimes we would end up laying in a field on our backs frozen still because we didn’t want the cops to see us, or ducked off at our buddy “Emps” house fighting like cats and dogs for whatever reason, or laid up in bed at a so called friends house tangled up in each other because it was the only thing that filled our minds.
It seemed as if we could go on forever living the life we were but both of us were starting to get fed up with not only life but each other.
Two people that at one time in our lives were each others best friend, now could barely speak to one another without anger on the tip of their tongues like fire.
But we kept going…
TJ stood up and threw the “bowl” on the floor and said “I’m done. Dammit, I can’t do this anymore. Your miserable and your going to lose it. I’m losing it. I won’t watch you go down this road again. I can’t let you do this. I can’t do this anymore!”
And that was it….
We told everyone close to us that we were done and to please respect it. And that was the last time we did Meth.
That was February 17, 2019.
What makes US get to the point of stopping on our own without intervention or rehabilitation? I can’t really tell you except that you will be so fed up with everything and everyone around you including yourself that it no longer remains important in your life.
Maybe you have to go through every single deep dark pit of your own personal hell to see the point of getting out. I have said that before.
You cannot do dope for a little while and get out.
Its going to take every thing from you first and put you through your own hell first. That is the best way for me to explain it to you. Meth creates your own personal hell and makes you LIVE through it all.
You have to feel every pain and emotion, you have to see your entire life falling apart, you have to bare witness to your own destruction of all that is YOUR LIFE. Taking your family, friends, loved ones, trust, dignity, morals, beliefs, reputation, common sense, education, health, joy, smiles, love, connections, and more all away from you so you are left with nothing besides the devil and his minion screaming “Give me more! Feed me fire! So I can destroy what you have left!”
And for some that is when death comes because they cannot take anymore but they do not know how to hold on enough to fight back or they don’t have God in their heart and they lose the battle.
For TJ & I we are two of the lucky ones!
We went through it all together and we have came out of it together. He has been so amazing. We each make our own choice every day to stay sober. But we choose it together. I love him in a way that I have never loved anyone else.
TJ has insecurities I wish he didn’t have. If he could see into my heart or if my love for him had a touch to it and he could feel it physically? He would know that I love him so very deeply. And he has no reason to doubt anything at all.
And I thank him silently every day for doing what he did that day.
I hope that he loves me even a quarter of the way I love him.
I love you TJ.
That is all for now