Sober Life: The Moment | 6+1+19

The moment came so fast and out of nowhere that I didn’t have time to fight it even if I had wanted too. I’m so thankful! I want to share with you what moment I decided to get sober. Here is my Sober Life: The Moment

There are times I look back during The Dark Days that I even wonder how I am still here to even share with you my journey. I, so many times consumed so much Meth that I surely should have died! Going through 2-3 grams of dope BY MYSELF a day! And I remember that in those moments I use to think, “Damm this is all I got? How are we going to get more, this shit isn’t gonna last an hour!”

Sounds crazy but it is true. Of course TJ & I would end up crazy out of our minds either fighting or on some wild ass adventure to get more. There are memories that are not all bad of course, but that is another post I definitely have to write about!

Anyways, we would takeout in his moms car for hours and hours and hustle our way into another few grams until that was gone. Sometimes we would end up laying in a field on our backs frozen still because we didn’t want the cops to see us, or ducked off at our buddy “Emps” house fighting like cats and dogs for whatever reason, or laid up in bed at a so called friends house tangled up in each other because it was the only thing that filled our minds.

It seemed as if we could go on forever living the life we were but both of us were starting to get fed up with not only life but each other.

Two people that at one time in our lives were each others best friend, now could barely speak to one another without anger on the tip of their tongues like fire.

But we kept going…

Until…..

TJ stood up and threw the “bowl” on the floor and said “I’m done. Dammit, I can’t do this anymore. Your miserable and your going to lose it. I’m losing it. I won’t watch you go down this road again. I can’t let you do this. I can’t do this anymore!”

And that was it….

We told everyone close to us that we were done and to please respect it. And that was the last time we did Meth.

That was February 17, 2019.

What makes US get to the point of stopping on our own without intervention or rehabilitation? I can’t really tell you except that you will be so fed up with everything and everyone around you including yourself that it no longer remains important in your life.

Maybe you have to go through every single deep dark pit of your own personal hell to see the point of getting out. I have said that before.

You cannot do dope for a little while and get out.

Its going to take every thing from you first and put you through your own hell first. That is the best way for me to explain it to you. Meth creates your own personal hell and makes you LIVE through it all.

You have to feel every pain and emotion, you have to see your entire life falling apart, you have to bare witness to your own destruction of all that is YOUR LIFE. Taking your family, friends, loved ones, trust, dignity, morals, beliefs, reputation, common sense, education, health, joy, smiles, love, connections, and more all away from you so you are left with nothing besides the devil and his minion screaming “Give me more! Feed me fire! So I can destroy what you have left!”

And for some that is when death comes because they cannot take anymore but they do not know how to hold on enough to fight back or they don’t have God in their heart and they lose the battle.

For TJ & I we are two of the lucky ones!

We went through it all together and we have came out of it together. He has been so amazing. We each make our own choice every day to stay sober. But we choose it together. I love him in a way that I have never loved anyone else.

TJ has insecurities I wish he didn’t have. If he could see into my heart or if my love for him had a touch to it and he could feel it physically? He would know that I love him so very deeply. And he has no reason to doubt anything at all.

And I thank him silently every day for doing what he did that day.

I hope that he loves me even a quarter of the way I love him.

I love you TJ.

That is all for now

@chic_sober

Push, Push, Push|5+22+19

Today my friends is a bit harder than some. You see, most day’s I can control my emotions. I don’t allow them to control me or overwhelm me because once I do I know I am subject to a setback. I am making progress though because today I have let myself run with my emotions but not set back too much.

Emotionally I’m screwed up today.

I’ve felt lonely. I’ve cried without immediate reason. I’ve thought to much on what I don’t have. Tears, frustration, anger,doubt, & sadness has overfilled me today.

This is the shit I don’t like!

Because understand what I am saying when I feel these emotions. I hit my knee’s out of nowhere because I can’t breath from crying. I feel a tightening in my chest because I literally become aware of my children absence in my life both physically and emotionally. I get snappy with someone I love because I am frustrated that I am not already at the point of being able to see or talk to the kids. I tell myself over and over out loud how STUPID I was messing up our lives over drugs and insane chaos. I feel a pressing cloud of anxiety because I start to doubt myself and where I can go and what I can achieve because the emotions are consuming me. I can’t even look at a picture of them and be happy. Because sadness has taken over me completely. THEY are my happiness but on days like today I am so aware that my happiness is NOWHERE near me or my life and I can’t take it.

I just need these emotions to pass! I am almost 100 days sober! I have a good job, a place of my own, a truck of my own, money in my bank account, my health, someone who loves me and supports me, family that is there for me every step of the way, & a God above that has blessed me, especially here lately.

Life is coming together.

Life is progressing along .

Life isn’t being completely unfair to me.

Life isΒ  worth living again.

Life is moving in the direction I need it to so that I can be a great mom to my kids.

Life is recovering for me.

These are my reminders that I can and HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THESE EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT TIMES!

I have to keep moving forward to make it back to my children. I can’t be broken and half dazed. No, I have to be completely healed and rejuvenated when I see them next.

So that’s why I come here and I share. Because somehow me writing these words help me by the time I hit publish. I don’t know why but I have to come here and push, push,push these buttons so that I can figure out a way and why I have to push, push, push through life!

That is all for now

+Chaotic Candance

Me feeling millions of emotions!

Chaotic Candance
Feeling the emotions

 

I AM | 05+05+19

Whoa! How is everyone? Life is moving super fast! I’m so incredibly grateful for my life as it stands right now. There are hardships for sure but overall I’m doing well.

I just have time to post a quicky here πŸ˜‹

I cant let myself get too distracted from posting. It means too much to me. I love WP! πŸ€“

So here’s the DL!

I am clean

I am healthy

I am focused

I am working

I am making good choices

I am not being controlled by drugs

I am not so angry

I am happier

I am working to being who my children need me to be

I am MOVING INTO MY OWN PLACE!

I am in a healthy loving relationship

I am more like ME

I am healing

I am living right

I am thankful

I am grateful

I am able

I am reliable

I am honest

I am trustworthy

I am learning

I am so much better than I was!!

So there ya go! Everything I am..that I can think of right now!

+CC

A Little Bit Closer | 4+16+19

Hello all! I do hope your doing good and had a wonderfully safe weekend! For me it was long & eventful. But I have good news updates and some very exciting things to share.

Last week, I landed myself a JOB! After weeks of countless applications & interviews I was hired on at the wonderful Summerplace Inn Destin! It is a beautiful 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 hotel and I’ll be working at the front desk. My pay is great and I’ll be able to move up quickly. Not to mention the cruise they send their employees on! Anyhow, I start TODAY! I’m super excited. My boss Jen is the sweetest!

Yours truly at my interview!

I’m proud to say that TJ got himself a fan-friggin-tastic JOB too! He’s going into his 2nd full week now. Lucky guy gets to waterproof buildings right on the beach! Congrats babes I’m so proud of you. πŸ’ž The weekend was long. Sunday April 14th was my baby brothers birthday! He turned 30! Happy Birthday Matty! Also, Sunday was my youngest daughters birthday! She turned 7! Happy birthday Jaylynn Taylor! I love you Pookie! It was to no avail to even try and wish her a good birthday. J wouldn’t answer my text or my phone call but I did leave a VM solely to Pookie. Now, Alyssa is next. Hers is on the 25th of this month. She will be 9!

You know this shit is hard to do sober! But I do and that is what keeps me going. I have found strength in my weakness you guys! I have decided to start doing some video’s! Just me and the camera and my thoughts. I’m still going to write but this way I can talk to my kids too! Anyhow, I’m super nervous to share the 1st 2 video’s but I’m gonna! I didn’t edit them (im still learning) and I am definitely just raw AF in it! Now, you can get a Lil bit closer to me! I hope you’ll watch them, comment, subscribe & as always share!

Video 1

Video 2

https://youtu.be/eTqaLGx_RLs

Well, guys thats it for now

+ChaoticCandance

Casino Fun| 04+02+19

So I’ve went on this lil adventure to visit some people that I really needed to see. And I really needed to do this because in ways I felt like I needed it to help me find myself again. The past few years have been pure hell and to be honest I lost so much of who I am. I forgot to have fun and love life because I lost my children and all the life & joy went out of me.

But as I have been developing my relationship with God I feel like he had led me to people & places I needd to be. I have to learn to be happy (ish) with me so I can be happy again when I am reunited with my children. So I have embraced the new adventures & wanted to share with you a bit of the fun. I’m working on putting together more of the pictures but here is a few from the very first Casino I ever stepped foot into. Choctaw Casino & Resort was so much fun! I didnt win a thing! Haha! πŸ˜‹

However, the experience was wonderful. This place was full of bright lights & loud machines of people winning all around me. I had to light a cigarette or two to keep my feelings in check because I was nervous and anxious about it all at the same time! We don’t have Casino’s in Alabama so you can say that I was utterly excited.

I met this woman “Maya” who was way beyond tipsy who taught me how to make my 36cents play right on out for about an hour! She showed me the ropes of the penny machine! Ha! I loved it! There was much fun in the few extra spins I won.

So anyways, here are a few photos I snapped and thought I’d share! I’d love to see any y’all have or tips on how to hit the slots because I’m definitely going back!

Until next time!

+ChaoticCandance

God’s Land| 3+28+19

God has his ways of reminding us things will be ok. I was standing in this field and the view touched me to my soul.

At one time in my life photography was a passion of mine. And day by day ots coming back to me. I wanted to share with you a view of where I am. And how Gods Land looks.

I’m visiting my Dad…

Steve. He and my mom split a long time ago but he has always been my dad. Years and messed up circumstances kept him from being around but we have reconnected and I’m so happy to have him in my life again. He is wonderful. Even though he doesn’t have to he is helping me and TJ in so many ways. God led us here bec2he knew we needed this in our life.

I’m grateful.

My mom Cj has a lot ti do with this too. Our relationship is complicated too but she is my mom and I’m thankful for all she is doing too.

I’m thankful.

TJ. He is working hard and I can see him growing and changing. Every day he gets more and more level headed. The boy is growing into the man I’ve been telling him was inside him. I’m so proud of him.

I’m proud.

When I wake up every morning and know I’m making the choices I am for my children, I know I’m doing what God wants me too. I’m choosing LIFE. I’m believing in myself again.

I’m believing.

These are things and people helping me to find me. God has showed me this. I’m in love with my life finally and its because I’m growing day by day.

So here is what I see….. Hope you enjoy!

+Chaotic Candance

The 34th Day| 03+23+19

Today is Day 34 of being completely sober. My torement & pain is lessening each and every day. I can’t really explain it and I’m one who is good with words. I’ve been down this road before. Getting clean and trying to save myself. However, I’ve not done it with the mindset that I’m in now. Its easy being sober for me now. I don’t desire anything about it anymore. Nothing during that time frame was good and worth while. I lost EVERYTHING I EVER HAD. Not material things. The things that mean something.

My children, myself, friends, relationships, dignity, self-worth, jobs, my soul! I’ve been wondering around like I’m in some alternate Galaxy. I was beginning to lose my mind in ways that I would not have recovered. But by the Grace of God and with some help from TJ & a few others I am doing it.

I recently connected with a woman on her recovery road and she is changing lives. She is doing some wonderful things. She asked me to give her a run down of where I been and where I am. So I wanted to share with you the same.

Hi Pamela! Im so excited to have found you. I’ve spent days reading up on you, your website, and many of the woman you are in part with. I’m not only inspired but thankful I got on IG thay day and found your post through another post. I feel like God has lead me to you for so many reasons. Anyhow, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I’m 31 years old and a mother to 4 beautiful children. I was born in Dallas but raised all over from Tn to Tx but mostly in Huntsville, Al. I recently picked up and moved to Pensacola, FL about 30 days ago with my boyfriend Tyler and my mom CJ. This was something I had to do to save not only my life but my boyfriends as well.

In 2012 I divorced my husband of 10 years & in 2014 I became addicted to prescription pain pills. Mostly percacet and roxi’s. By 2016 I had a habbit of spending $350 A DAY ON ROXI’S. I began spending all my money on pills and neglecting my priorities including taking care of the things my children needed.

February 5, 2017 I lost full custody of my babies and by the end of March I was a full blowed Meth addict and began the biggest downfall of my life. Since March of ’17 I have been aressted multiple times, been in and out of my babies lives, lost family amd friends, and most of all failed God and myself.

I was last locked up from August to November of last year and that was probably what has me alive today. I was able to regain parts of myself that I had lost within those jail walls. Upon realease I stayed clean for about 30 days and then when i Missed a visit with my kids I relapsed. For the next few months I hit harder on Meth than i had ever before. This is because I missed ny visit and lost my visitation again and missed my son turning 13 and my oldest daughter turning 12. I have never missed their birthdays, even while on dope.

But on February 17th exactly 32 day ago TJ looked at me after huge fight and said we done! No more dope or else we will end up apart and dead. And we left the one place for us both that kept us on the drugs HOME!

But now we are days away from starting great paying jobs, obtaining new a new car and our own place. Everyday we laugh and he video chats with his kids. I am working on talking with my ex to gwt my kids back in my everyday life (i have some big fuxk ups to fix). We are clean and living free now.

I am a blogger and have been fir years. During this chaotic ride ive learned about myself and Ive wanted to make a difference and help others come out alive. I quit doing Meth on my own with no rehab or classes. I know its not always going to be easy. I cry a lot when I’m in the shower alone and I have some pretty wicked nightmares. But im doing this and I feel great.

So there’s a lil about me and where Im at right now. Im and open πŸ“– and hope to learn more about you. Im so excited! Have a blessed day!

Candance

Hey guys ! This is me just the other day!

So there it is. Ive been a mess but Im recovering. Thats all for now.

Chaotic Candance.