Push, Push, Push|5+22+19

Today my friends is a bit harder than some. You see, most day’s I can control my emotions. I don’t allow them to control me or overwhelm me because once I do I know I am subject to a setback. I am making progress though because today I have let myself run with my emotions but not set back too much.

Emotionally I’m screwed up today.

I’ve felt lonely. I’ve cried without immediate reason. I’ve thought to much on what I don’t have. Tears, frustration, anger,doubt, & sadness has overfilled me today.

This is the shit I don’t like!

Because understand what I am saying when I feel these emotions. I hit my knee’s out of nowhere because I can’t breath from crying. I feel a tightening in my chest because I literally become aware of my children absence in my life both physically and emotionally. I get snappy with someone I love because I am frustrated that I am not already at the point of being able to see or talk to the kids. I tell myself over and over out loud how STUPID I was messing up our lives over drugs and insane chaos. I feel a pressing cloud of anxiety because I start to doubt myself and where I can go and what I can achieve because the emotions are consuming me. I can’t even look at a picture of them and be happy. Because sadness has taken over me completely. THEY are my happiness but on days like today I am so aware that my happiness is NOWHERE near me or my life and I can’t take it.

I just need these emotions to pass! I am almost 100 days sober! I have a good job, a place of my own, a truck of my own, money in my bank account, my health, someone who loves me and supports me, family that is there for me every step of the way, & a God above that has blessed me, especially here lately.

Life is coming together.

Life is progressing along .

Life isn’t being completely unfair to me.

Life is  worth living again.

Life is moving in the direction I need it to so that I can be a great mom to my kids.

Life is recovering for me.

These are my reminders that I can and HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THESE EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT TIMES!

I have to keep moving forward to make it back to my children. I can’t be broken and half dazed. No, I have to be completely healed and rejuvenated when I see them next.

So that’s why I come here and I share. Because somehow me writing these words help me by the time I hit publish. I don’t know why but I have to come here and push, push,push these buttons so that I can figure out a way and why I have to push, push, push through life!

That is all for now

+Chaotic Candance

Me feeling millions of emotions!

Chaotic Candance
Feeling the emotions

 

Casino Fun| 04+02+19

So I’ve went on this lil adventure to visit some people that I really needed to see. And I really needed to do this because in ways I felt like I needed it to help me find myself again. The past few years have been pure hell and to be honest I lost so much of who I am. I forgot to have fun and love life because I lost my children and all the life & joy went out of me.

But as I have been developing my relationship with God I feel like he had led me to people & places I needd to be. I have to learn to be happy (ish) with me so I can be happy again when I am reunited with my children. So I have embraced the new adventures & wanted to share with you a bit of the fun. I’m working on putting together more of the pictures but here is a few from the very first Casino I ever stepped foot into. Choctaw Casino & Resort was so much fun! I didnt win a thing! Haha! 😋

However, the experience was wonderful. This place was full of bright lights & loud machines of people winning all around me. I had to light a cigarette or two to keep my feelings in check because I was nervous and anxious about it all at the same time! We don’t have Casino’s in Alabama so you can say that I was utterly excited.

I met this woman “Maya” who was way beyond tipsy who taught me how to make my 36cents play right on out for about an hour! She showed me the ropes of the penny machine! Ha! I loved it! There was much fun in the few extra spins I won.

So anyways, here are a few photos I snapped and thought I’d share! I’d love to see any y’all have or tips on how to hit the slots because I’m definitely going back!

Until next time!

+ChaoticCandance