Devine Understanding|08+12+19

The most recent picture I have of them
From left to right
Jaylynn | 7
Alyssa | 9
Zacary | 13
Haylie | 12

I love you and I miss you all so very much…..

This isn’t something I find myself doing a lot of here lately. Talking about my children. It is not because I don’t care or miss them, but in fact it is the opposite; its painfully hard to talk about them most days. But that is something that with lots of prayer I am going to change.

For me since getting sober there has been stages of consciousness of realization!

Stage 1 | Guilt overload

This stage is when I was fresh off the dope and my mind and body was still affected by the drugs and all I could do was either 1. feel sorry for myself or 2. feel an extreme amount of guilt for what I had done and how I lost custody of my kids. During this stage all I couldn’t speak thier name or look at a picture or hear a story about them because if I did all I would do is cry, get angry, or want to get high to forget! So I didn’t talk, let anyone talk, or look at thier pictures! I was in this stage for about 2 months or so.

Stage 2 | Acceptance and/or Acknowledgement

During this stage I began to come back to myself. I started to allow myself to feel things without getting overwhelmed. I didn’t let myself get angry or feel so much guilt because I knew I was on the right track. By the this point I started downloading all the pictures I could find of them and saved them to my screensaver and lockscreen. I was super emotional about the fact that I was missing out on a lot of things! All I wanted to do was consume myself in everything that dealt with my kids. I however, also accepted that I had made choices that now keep me away from them and the only way top fix that was to continue to stay clean and find a better life for myself. I was in this stage for about 1 n half months or so.

Stage 3 | Emotional Desire

This was the hardest stage for me since getting my act together. I found myself constantly asking God why I was ever given my children if he was going to keep me from them. I wanted them in my life now, I wanted to talk to them now, and I didn’t want to wait to share my good news with them for later; I wanted to share it now. Mentally I knew that I wasn’t ready to have them back because I still had things to work on but emotionally that didn’t matter! Emotionally all I wanted to do was be in thier presence, touch and hold them, hear thier voices. I was really worried about myself during this stage but I managed to make it through. I found video’s of my kids and listened and watched them over and over and over again. I creid so much! I laughed! I showed those video’s to whoever was around me about 10000 times! I gave myself the best possible medicine for being without them: hearing thier voices! I was in this stage for 3 months or so and it about killed me.

Stage 4 | Devine Understanding

And this is where I am at now with my children. I have a new Devine Understanding about the kids being in my life. This is been hard on me to really find some kind of peace. There has been days that I didn’t get out of bed until my Pastor’s wife came and dragged me out herself. Most this the stage where I learned! I have began my walk with God (getting Baptized and recieveing the Holy Ghost) and what he has taught me has forever changed my life. I can finally fine some peace in my heart about them. I have been in church crying my biggest cry to God, I have had people praying with me without knowing what I am praying for, I have had an extreme amount of spirit be put through my body and I know that God has been planning this all along. He has given me his Devine Understanding about me as a mother and them as my children. God, has showed me that he needs me to be ready to recieve them back into my life. He needs me to be financially, mentally, emotionally, physchally, & substancially ready to have them back. I am not fully there yet but when I am is when he will bring them back into my life. He needed me to be this person with this kind of devotion and dedication in me to truly love and serve him as I should. I know what he is asking of me and I will prove that I am true in my walk with him. I thank God for the blessings he has given me. This stage will be my final stage until they are with me again!


With all that being said, I miss them and wish that J would just answer the phone or video calls and let me talk to them even once a week. I know I did a lot wrong but I am thier mother and regardless one day they will see me again. I know J and Ash are taking great care of them but do they really love them if they keep me out? I can understand if I am using or acting a fool, but I am not that person anymore and they won’t even give me a chance to show them otherwise! Do they not understand that we are all human and make mistakes? Either way I continue to pray for them.

I do believe its time I share my letters to my kids on here. I wrote each of my kids a letter a few weeks back and wasn’t going to share them but I need to!

Mama loves you guys!

That is all for now.

@chic_sober

Your right, sweet girl | 06+18+19

Okay. Just listen then…

It seems as though one of my previous post,

Caught someone’s attention & it also seems that part of my words was clearly misunderstood.

Let me clarify.

Just have a seat and listen, because honestly I didn’t even know you followed.

Not that it’s going to change anything because surely by now your learning that ME, the REAL me says what I feel like needs to be said.

Now, I know you don’t want to be me or anything like me.

Why would you want to be?

I am a recovering drug addicted, I’m depressed at times, I have procrastination issues, I have both mommy and daddy issues, I move around to much, I don’t always think things through, I’m mouthy, I’ve made some really screwed up choices, I have tendencies to piss people off because I tell them off or I tell them what they don’t want to hear. I lie sometimes, I cry sometimes,. I fight sometimes, I mistrust sometimes, I have manipulated people, I have stolen from both people and stores…

I forget to call sometimes….

I have made some really bad choices and then I have mad some other choices…..You now can see me confess them……

Okay I’ll open this up and dig a little deeper for ya…

I chose drugs over my children…

I chose a man over my children…

I chose a fast life over my children…

I chose to burry my pain and anger at myself in drugs…

I chose to sleep with my 3rd cousin

I chose to let the depression eat away at my mind and soul and helped it along by doing more drugs…

I chose to not go to court and get put into jail….

I chose to not finish & follow up with my probation…

I chose to not visit my children…

I chose to let my children down..

I chose to break another promise to my children…

I chose to move away from my chldren….

I chose to leave my children behind….

I chose to not fight for my children….

Are we getting better? Does it feel good to see me say ALL THAT for the world wide web? Well, let me just claifiy for you….

On February 17th, 2019 I decided that I no longer was going to make all the stupid and irrational choices anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore and sine then I have been living a life that I can be proud of. Part of that life comes with OWNING up to my mistakes, my choices, and my actions.

I’m not scared sweet girl…

I am fully armed and ready for what comes my way because for once in my life I am living a life with and for God first and foremost. Secondly, I am making a life that is secure and stable for my children and I make no choice in my life that I do NOT think of my children first.

I have began a life where I know that one day someone will want to be like me because I am worth that…

So you see, I made those choices and I stand up to them. However, for some there is a part two…so read this…..

I chose drugs over my children…

Before I even realized it was happening I was addicted to pain pills & then to Meth and once it had its hold on me I didn’t have much of a choice of what I would choose other than Meth….

I chose a man over my children…

Being consumed with so much loss and drug addiction I chose him over them…

I chose a fast life over my children…

Losing my children, being consumed with both depression and drug addiction, and giving up I threw myself into the fastest lifestyle I could find….

I chose to bury my pain and anger at myself in drugs…

In the moments of reality when I would realized what I had lost and what I had done I was not ready to accept the responsibility for it so I would just turn around and bury myself right back into the drugs and chaos..

I chose to sleep with my 3rd cousin…

You can look down on me all you want to and in some ways I know its not entirely acceptable but it’s not as taboo as you might think. I don’t know how it happen, I don’t understand it either, but I do know that it is not illegal and by law can be married…..

I chose to let the depression eat away at my mind and soul and helped it along by doing more drugs…

Depression is something I didn’t realize could get out of such control. Add it with drug addiction and its almost unstoppable….

I chose to not go to court and get put into jail….

I got put into jail for something that wasn’t entirely my fault. Then I got out and didn’t go to court that was my fault.

I chose to not finish & follow up with my probation…

Now, this is where we need to get an understanding of what is currently going on, because sweet girl you do not have a clue! I did chose to not follow my probation and that is wrong and punishable by jail time. I didn’t just run out on it to be wild and free. I left because if I didn’t I was going to end up dead from drugs or something in the mix. I CHOSE TO GET SOBER AND CLEAN AND LIVE A LIFE WORTH LIVING and I couldn’t do that in Madison County.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to not visit my children…

True. However, I was high and I would have rather them not seen me like that again.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to let my children down..

By not showing up and it broke my heart into pieces because I know it broke theirs too. But I was getting high and they didn’t need to see me like that anymore.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to break another promise to my children…

I promised them I wouldn’t leave them and I did. I broke that promise and many more. I relive them every day that I am not with them.

UNDERSTAND THAT!

I chose to move away from my children….

If I didn’t then I would NEVER be able to show them a mother to be proud of! I would have ended up dead! I had to move to save my own life!

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to leave my children behind….

I couldn’t fight for them with water beneath my feet. Leaving them behind was something that had to be done. I was drowning in fact. I have you to know that leaving them behind was a choice I made to better myself for them not one made because I am being selfish or do not care.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to not fight for my children….

At the point of me getting out of jail because I was not ready nor able to be strong enough. But that has changed and I am living the kind of life that everyone has always said I never would or could. I am living and making the right choices. I didn’t fight for them then because it wasn’t time to. But times have changed now.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE


So you see I can and will make the right choices for myself and my children. I can and am becoming someone that it isn’t so bad to be like.

You don’t want to be me and I’m thankful for that, because there isn’t room for two. I am so much better than I was and becoming someone I have never been.

And I won’t apologize for that.

Send your text message and your threats but understand that who I was before? Is someone who didn’t always think things through and was afraid of life on her own.

I am no longer that girl, I am a whole nother woman.

You told me I should be scared of you; your highly mistaken!

See the difference between you and I?

I know what it feels like to lose everything you have ever held close to you, I have been homeless, terrified for my life, consumed by something deeper and darker than normal daily struggles, lived life with out the exact beings in my life that i always said i couldn’t live without, I have lived for 3 years in my own personal hell and then I have walked straight out of that hell on my own!

You have not been where I have been, gone through what I have gone through, made the choices i have made, been the person i have been, or become that woman I am today and will be in the future.

YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE ME NOR WILL YOU EVER BE!

So you are right on that one , sweet girl.

But you are wrong on another;

I should not be scared of you. You should be scared of me. Because another difference is

THOSE ARE MY CHILDREN NOT YOURS AND WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. YOU WON’T HAVE A QUARTER OF THE FIGHT FOR THEM IN YOU LIKE I DO ME.

Don’t underestimate the woman “who just donates her overies”

See you soon enough.

As always,

I’ll be praying for you.

Sending my love thoughts, and prayers to you, J, and the kids.

Until next time

Chic_Sober

Rant | 06+05+19

For everything inside of me I am struggling the past few days. All I want to do is hold or see my beautuiful babies! Sometimes I find myself in a mid-day frantic because I start to think what if they are forgetting about me?

You know so many people has judge me during this time in my life. All they see though is that one day I was a super-fantastic mom and then

booooooommmmmmmmm!

I’m not a mother anymore because j got custody!

And they think that I just let it happen. That I wanted it that way? Are they insane! Something deeper and much darker was consuming me and I couldn’t fucking stop it! I didn’t just stop wanting or loving them.

I was Freaking sick!

And it was so damm hard to control!

I didn’t know how to deal! I didn’t know that it was going to ruin me and ruin their lives too!

I tried so hard to control it.

Tried to let go.

Tried to hold on.

I freaking failed!

And now he just keeps them away from me! I don’t get no say in my place in thier life?

I get to be erased?

I get to be discontinued?

I get to be forgotten?

they are my children too!!!!!!!!!!

Why does he have to act like he just so damm perfect! Like he knows EVERYTHING! And that he is all that is grand and holy for our children!

Because he has a new wife that PRETENDS SHE IS ME!

I MATTER TO THEM TOO!!!!

I know I made mistakes and bad choices but that does not make me a bad person or a bad mom! No one will ever be able to change that I am thier mother, no matter how much they might want too!

No, one can say that I didn’t love them! Because I did and I do!

I told Judge Hall that I thought they would be better at J & Ash’s place because I knew I couldn’t care for them to the best of my ability at that time!

can you imagine how hard that was for me!?

From front to back:
Jaylynn
Me
Alyssa
Haylie
Zacary

The hardest moment ever in my life! I try to message him! I try to call him! I try to show him that I am doing well and that I am no longer sick and that I can be consistent and steady and sober and live right! But he won’t even answer the damn phone or text message!

I miss the smell of thier childlike skin, the crooked turn in Zacary’s smiles, the goofiness of Haylie’s laugh, the angel like sweetness of Alyssa’s hugs, & the hold of Jaylynn’s hand in mine! I miss the laughs, the …..

I can’t write anymore..

Until next time

Chic_Sober

28 Questions Q8 | 5+31+19

Q8: Where in your life do you need to slow down & take your time?

A8: Getting my kids back

I’ve thought on this a bit and I know that this is going to be super hard, but it will be so worth it when the time arrives for me to pursue custody. I have a bad habit of rushing through things that I cannot wait for. Something I am excited or anxious about and I just want to hurry up and get tot the end result.

But I simply cannot do that with getting back the kids. God, knows I wish that I could, but I have to do this right. If I make one single mistake it can set me back so drastically. I don’t want to spend any more time away from them that I have too. However, I have a plan that I have set out so that it is fool & fail proof. Because failure is not an option. When the time comes and I am ready for court and paperwork I will be able to sit back and let it happen.

How? Well, all I can say is that I have been planning this for months and still have a lot to get in order. This is the world wide web and that my friends keeps me from saying anymore.

I tell myself everyday, ” Just slow down Candance, it will happen soon enough. Your time is coming and God is with you every step of the way so keep hanging on sweet girl.”

I’ve thought over and over 1000000 times what that day is going to be like! πŸ™‚

That is all for now my loves!

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q6 | 5+29+19

Q6: What do you need to forgive yourself for?

A6: the past 3 years of mistakes aka drug use

Oh I knew that I would have to get into this part of my life while answering these questions. I don’t know how to really even explain my answer other than to tell you all that I chose drugs over everything and everyone in my life. Yes that is including my children, sadly. This is something I have been working on for a while now. Because I need to forgive myself if I want God, my children, and my family/friends to forgive me too. I made so many mistakes that it’s hard to list them all. I didn’t start out choosing drugs first over everything and everyone else. I was managing my pill habit just fine but then I started to make the choice to not pay bills and I chased that high. Once I realized I needed to stop the pills I started to do Meth and that was an even bigger mistake because with pills I was still myself mostly but with Meth, nothing else really matters but Meth.

I can’t tell you why I let it get so bad only that it did and it happen quickly. I love my children more than my own life and how Meth was able to diminish that out of me I’ll never understand. But it did and that’s why I choose to not do it now, because I can no longer have my children believing that I love DRUGS more than I love them. I let them down so much. I allowed their dad to get custody, I stopped showing up for things that I promised I would, I stopped playing with them, I stopped listening to them, I stopped tucking them in bed at night, I stopped saying their prayers with them. I didn’t let them cook dinner with me, dancing in the kitchen, singing in the car, playing outside, showing them my undeniable love. It breaks my heart to know that I in so many ways let them down. God, I pray they allow me to make it up to them one day.

Forgive

verb

stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

definition of forgive

To forgive myself I need to do what is listed above. Have a fully forgiven myself? No! But I am making progress. I still get that knot in my stomach when I talk about what my drug use did to my children. I don’t know if that will go away or if it is part of my healing. I know that I am living every single day for my kids; for getting back to them. See their dad J, he seems to think that me out of their life forever is what is best. They have their step mom Ash and a perfect little life with them. But she is not me and neither of them can love them the way that I do.

I faltered for a moment and God knows I at times want to take it back but I love them with every single fiber of my SOUL!

If I had not gone through of the things I have went through the past year I would not be able to be who I am today. And I am happy with who I am. Later down the road my children are going to face situations like I have and I want to be able to be honest with them when I say ” I understand what your going through”.

Something their father nor Ash will be able too.

Because of their super clean life.

Lets face it. We have 4 children and of those 4 at least 1 if not 2 of them are going to face the drug world. And because I have been through what I have I will know how hard it will be to not do them, stop doing them, or battle with addiction. And because of all this I will be able to help them through it. I know now that God put me through that struggle for reasons. So I am able to start forgiving myself for doing the drugs. I am also in the process of forgiving myself for letting my children down so drastically. This is a little bit harder because I cannot talk to my kids right now.

J refuses to let me.

That is his mistake.

My gain

In time, however, my sweet perfect babies will know that I was sick but not one moment in time did I ever stop loving them.

In time, I’ll have them back. In time, they’ll have me back too.

Just wait and see.

Recovery is Freedom

@sobersoulchic

28 Questions Q1 | 5+24+19

I think we all forget to remind ourselves sometimes that we are good & beautiful. So for the lack there of I decided to answer 28 Questions that are related to me, myself, & I.

I found this idea on Pintrest and think it’s going to really open up my mind to see that I have come a long way and that I am still a good person even though I have made some really bad choices. I hope maybe you will enjoy getting to know me a little better too. These answer’s may be short and then again they may be long, but guarantee they will be a reflection of me and honest!

Q1: What is your biggest struggle with loving yourself?

A1: Its’ not that I don’t love myself, because I do. But there are many different parts of me that I don’t feel secure about. I have messed up so drastically in the recent years that I feel like I am so very much imperfect. Physically I love myself. I consider myself attractive & a beautiful person. Internally I am a good person but I have just made so many wrong choices and this makes it a bit harder to really say that I love myself. Now, I am starting to love myself again so that is progress. I can look in the mirror now and be content with the woman staring back at me. I can look at her and know that she is taking steps every day to be a better person than she used to be. I just still have many things to make up for before I can really love myself. I am my biggest struggle. Because I can’t love myself until I have corrected the wrongs for losing who I was before the drugs and bullshit life I was living that caused me to lose my children. I am making hella progress but I’m not fully there yet.

Push, Push, Push|5+22+19

Today my friends is a bit harder than some. You see, most day’s I can control my emotions. I don’t allow them to control me or overwhelm me because once I do I know I am subject to a setback. I am making progress though because today I have let myself run with my emotions but not set back too much.

Emotionally I’m screwed up today.

I’ve felt lonely. I’ve cried without immediate reason. I’ve thought to much on what I don’t have. Tears, frustration, anger,doubt, & sadness has overfilled me today.

This is the shit I don’t like!

Because understand what I am saying when I feel these emotions. I hit my knee’s out of nowhere because I can’t breath from crying. I feel a tightening in my chest because I literally become aware of my children absence in my life both physically and emotionally. I get snappy with someone I love because I am frustrated that I am not already at the point of being able to see or talk to the kids. I tell myself over and over out loud how STUPID I was messing up our lives over drugs and insane chaos. I feel a pressing cloud of anxiety because I start to doubt myself and where I can go and what I can achieve because the emotions are consuming me. I can’t even look at a picture of them and be happy. Because sadness has taken over me completely. THEY are my happiness but on days like today I am so aware that my happiness is NOWHERE near me or my life and I can’t take it.

I just need these emotions to pass! I am almost 100 days sober! I have a good job, a place of my own, a truck of my own, money in my bank account, my health, someone who loves me and supports me, family that is there for me every step of the way, & a God above that has blessed me, especially here lately.

Life is coming together.

Life is progressing along .

Life isn’t being completely unfair to me.

Life isΒ  worth living again.

Life is moving in the direction I need it to so that I can be a great mom to my kids.

Life is recovering for me.

These are my reminders that I can and HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THESE EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT TIMES!

I have to keep moving forward to make it back to my children. I can’t be broken and half dazed. No, I have to be completely healed and rejuvenated when I see them next.

So that’s why I come here and I share. Because somehow me writing these words help me by the time I hit publish. I don’t know why but I have to come here and push, push,push these buttons so that I can figure out a way and why I have to push, push, push through life!

That is all for now

+Chaotic Candance

Me feeling millions of emotions!

Chaotic Candance
Feeling the emotions

 

I AM | 05+05+19

Whoa! How is everyone? Life is moving super fast! I’m so incredibly grateful for my life as it stands right now. There are hardships for sure but overall I’m doing well.

I just have time to post a quicky here πŸ˜‹

I cant let myself get too distracted from posting. It means too much to me. I love WP! πŸ€“

So here’s the DL!

I am clean

I am healthy

I am focused

I am working

I am making good choices

I am not being controlled by drugs

I am not so angry

I am happier

I am working to being who my children need me to be

I am MOVING INTO MY OWN PLACE!

I am in a healthy loving relationship

I am more like ME

I am healing

I am living right

I am thankful

I am grateful

I am able

I am reliable

I am honest

I am trustworthy

I am learning

I am so much better than I was!!

So there ya go! Everything I am..that I can think of right now!

+CC

A Little Bit Closer | 4+16+19

Hello all! I do hope your doing good and had a wonderfully safe weekend! For me it was long & eventful. But I have good news updates and some very exciting things to share.

Last week, I landed myself a JOB! After weeks of countless applications & interviews I was hired on at the wonderful Summerplace Inn Destin! It is a beautiful 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 hotel and I’ll be working at the front desk. My pay is great and I’ll be able to move up quickly. Not to mention the cruise they send their employees on! Anyhow, I start TODAY! I’m super excited. My boss Jen is the sweetest!

Yours truly at my interview!

I’m proud to say that TJ got himself a fan-friggin-tastic JOB too! He’s going into his 2nd full week now. Lucky guy gets to waterproof buildings right on the beach! Congrats babes I’m so proud of you. πŸ’ž The weekend was long. Sunday April 14th was my baby brothers birthday! He turned 30! Happy Birthday Matty! Also, Sunday was my youngest daughters birthday! She turned 7! Happy birthday Jaylynn Taylor! I love you Pookie! It was to no avail to even try and wish her a good birthday. J wouldn’t answer my text or my phone call but I did leave a VM solely to Pookie. Now, Alyssa is next. Hers is on the 25th of this month. She will be 9!

You know this shit is hard to do sober! But I do and that is what keeps me going. I have found strength in my weakness you guys! I have decided to start doing some video’s! Just me and the camera and my thoughts. I’m still going to write but this way I can talk to my kids too! Anyhow, I’m super nervous to share the 1st 2 video’s but I’m gonna! I didn’t edit them (im still learning) and I am definitely just raw AF in it! Now, you can get a Lil bit closer to me! I hope you’ll watch them, comment, subscribe & as always share!

Video 1

Video 2

https://youtu.be/eTqaLGx_RLs

Well, guys thats it for now

+ChaoticCandance

God’s Land| 3+28+19

God has his ways of reminding us things will be ok. I was standing in this field and the view touched me to my soul.

At one time in my life photography was a passion of mine. And day by day ots coming back to me. I wanted to share with you a view of where I am. And how Gods Land looks.

I’m visiting my Dad…

Steve. He and my mom split a long time ago but he has always been my dad. Years and messed up circumstances kept him from being around but we have reconnected and I’m so happy to have him in my life again. He is wonderful. Even though he doesn’t have to he is helping me and TJ in so many ways. God led us here bec2he knew we needed this in our life.

I’m grateful.

My mom Cj has a lot ti do with this too. Our relationship is complicated too but she is my mom and I’m thankful for all she is doing too.

I’m thankful.

TJ. He is working hard and I can see him growing and changing. Every day he gets more and more level headed. The boy is growing into the man I’ve been telling him was inside him. I’m so proud of him.

I’m proud.

When I wake up every morning and know I’m making the choices I am for my children, I know I’m doing what God wants me too. I’m choosing LIFE. I’m believing in myself again.

I’m believing.

These are things and people helping me to find me. God has showed me this. I’m in love with my life finally and its because I’m growing day by day.

So here is what I see….. Hope you enjoy!

+Chaotic Candance