28 Questions Q19 | 06+11+19

Q19: How are you making the world a better place?

A19: Spreading goodness, kindess, & loving people.

I have to say I don’t really think I am one of those people making the world a better place. I am just one person and some days I can barely breath because of my own worries. However, I do try my best these days to be kind to everyone I meet, do good in the community around me, and love both those who deserve it and those who don’t.

Now, if the question had asked how I WANT to make the world a better place? My answer would be this:

I would like to start a non-profit that helps those going through addiction. Offer them a completely free place to get sober and find a life after addiction. This place would be at no cost to them. They would have housing, jobs, a personal life coach, church services, and we would teach them about life stability, mental stability, physical stabiliy, healthy relationships, sobriety success, caring for themselves and others, and anything else needed to know about being in recovery. This place wouldn’t be about strick rules or court orders (though I would offer it through the court systems) it would be a place to make them feel like they can do this on thier own without actually being on thier own. And as they grew in thier sobreity I would help them to inspire other’s so that they felt the importance of thier success.

I know there are rehabs and centers to get help. However, 99% of those places force you to stay, cost you and your family thousands of dollars, teach you the text book basics, and never care to help you more once you have “completed” or left thier program.

Mine would be different. Each person would have thier own life coach and even after they left that person would be welcome any time to come back incase of extra help needed or whatever the reason!

Addiction is an epidemic and it needs to stop. Addiction takes the lives of otherwise beautiful, kind, smart, & fantastic individuls and ruins every part of them and thier families lives. There needs to be a place that people can really offer help and actually CARE about the people that walked through the doors.

Teens and adults suffer from addiction and I want to help both. That is how I would truly like to change the world!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

Rant | 06+05+19

For everything inside of me I am struggling the past few days. All I want to do is hold or see my beautuiful babies! Sometimes I find myself in a mid-day frantic because I start to think what if they are forgetting about me?

You know so many people has judge me during this time in my life. All they see though is that one day I was a super-fantastic mom and then

booooooommmmmmmmm!

I’m not a mother anymore because j got custody!

And they think that I just let it happen. That I wanted it that way? Are they insane! Something deeper and much darker was consuming me and I couldn’t fucking stop it! I didn’t just stop wanting or loving them.

I was Freaking sick!

And it was so damm hard to control!

I didn’t know how to deal! I didn’t know that it was going to ruin me and ruin their lives too!

I tried so hard to control it.

Tried to let go.

Tried to hold on.

I freaking failed!

And now he just keeps them away from me! I don’t get no say in my place in thier life?

I get to be erased?

I get to be discontinued?

I get to be forgotten?

they are my children too!!!!!!!!!!

Why does he have to act like he just so damm perfect! Like he knows EVERYTHING! And that he is all that is grand and holy for our children!

Because he has a new wife that PRETENDS SHE IS ME!

I MATTER TO THEM TOO!!!!

I know I made mistakes and bad choices but that does not make me a bad person or a bad mom! No one will ever be able to change that I am thier mother, no matter how much they might want too!

No, one can say that I didn’t love them! Because I did and I do!

I told Judge Hall that I thought they would be better at J & Ash’s place because I knew I couldn’t care for them to the best of my ability at that time!

can you imagine how hard that was for me!?

From front to back:
Jaylynn
Me
Alyssa
Haylie
Zacary

The hardest moment ever in my life! I try to message him! I try to call him! I try to show him that I am doing well and that I am no longer sick and that I can be consistent and steady and sober and live right! But he won’t even answer the damn phone or text message!

I miss the smell of thier childlike skin, the crooked turn in Zacary’s smiles, the goofiness of Haylie’s laugh, the angel like sweetness of Alyssa’s hugs, & the hold of Jaylynn’s hand in mine! I miss the laughs, the …..

I can’t write anymore..

Until next time

Chic_Sober

28 Questions Q10 | 06+02+19

Q10: How can you set better boundaries in you life?

A10: REEVALUATE my boundaries

I really like to live my life without boundaries. For some people living their life like this it would be a disaster for sure. However, for me it works now days.

Why?

Simply, because I know:

What NOT to do in my life
What TO DO in my life
What I CANNOT handle in my life
What I CAN handle in my life
What I NEED in my life
What I DO NOT NEED in my life

I have lived through things I normally wound not have ever thought I could. Now, the one thing I pray I don’t go through is losing the life of one of my children, espeically any time soon. So don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

However.

Knowing the things above I can better live my life. I don’t set boundaries for myself because I have taken the time REEVALUATE MY LIFE! This happens to work for me. I don’t want to live that life of hardship and chaos anymore so I simply make the choices to stay away from anything that may cause that in my life. I know what leads to that life and I know what comes with that life.

Therefor my knowledge of what was IS MY BOUNDARY! And if someone tries to put me back into that life they are crossing it and I shut them out!

That is all for now

Until next time.

Chic_Sober

Chic_Sober Spotlight | 06+01+19

I wanted to share a few stories with you all from people that are currently going through the recovery process. Some are just starting their journey and some have been in recovery for years. Either way thier stories are all different but each wonderful and interesting.

I am a member of a Facebook group called CLEAN & SOBER- Addiction Recovery Support Group. Here in this group of over 56,000 members you will find constant beautiful support and encouragement. Members are welcomed daily and share their stories, struggles, fears, accomplishments, & support. I was hesitant at first to make any real post because I didn’t want people judging. However, that is not what your going to find in this group. Everyone there knows what your going through and they honestly want to help! There are some members that post more than others but guarantee that whether or not they are posting; they are reading and getting support they need. There is some kind of comfort knowing that there is someone out there currently going through what your going through and making it!

On the days that someone is having a bad day and they post about it you will find hundreds of comments full of encouragement and support to make it better. You’ll find FB Live video’s on a regular basis because it helps to create a family of support. And believe me they talk about EVERYTHING! But they also laugh, cry, pray, and encourage each other.

Its a beautiful thing.

So I asked for anyone who might want to do a Q&A series with me for the blog and I got a few takers! I was extremely excited and can’t wait to share with you what I learned and the journey’s of these courageous people.

I’ll be sharing each person’s story on a separate post because I want to give them their own spotlight. Please be kind and understand it takes a lot for some to share. I hope you enjoy this series as much as I do!

Remember

Recovery is Freedom

That is all for now

@sobersoulchic

Sober Life: The Moment | 6+1+19

The moment came so fast and out of nowhere that I didn’t have time to fight it even if I had wanted too. I’m so thankful! I want to share with you what moment I decided to get sober. Here is my Sober Life: The Moment

There are times I look back during The Dark Days that I even wonder how I am still here to even share with you my journey. I, so many times consumed so much Meth that I surely should have died! Going through 2-3 grams of dope BY MYSELF a day! And I remember that in those moments I use to think, “Damm this is all I got? How are we going to get more, this shit isn’t gonna last an hour!”

Sounds crazy but it is true. Of course TJ & I would end up crazy out of our minds either fighting or on some wild ass adventure to get more. There are memories that are not all bad of course, but that is another post I definitely have to write about!

Anyways, we would takeout in his moms car for hours and hours and hustle our way into another few grams until that was gone. Sometimes we would end up laying in a field on our backs frozen still because we didn’t want the cops to see us, or ducked off at our buddy “Emps” house fighting like cats and dogs for whatever reason, or laid up in bed at a so called friends house tangled up in each other because it was the only thing that filled our minds.

It seemed as if we could go on forever living the life we were but both of us were starting to get fed up with not only life but each other.

Two people that at one time in our lives were each others best friend, now could barely speak to one another without anger on the tip of their tongues like fire.

But we kept going…

Until…..

TJ stood up and threw the “bowl” on the floor and said “I’m done. Dammit, I can’t do this anymore. Your miserable and your going to lose it. I’m losing it. I won’t watch you go down this road again. I can’t let you do this. I can’t do this anymore!”

And that was it….

We told everyone close to us that we were done and to please respect it. And that was the last time we did Meth.

That was February 17, 2019.

What makes US get to the point of stopping on our own without intervention or rehabilitation? I can’t really tell you except that you will be so fed up with everything and everyone around you including yourself that it no longer remains important in your life.

Maybe you have to go through every single deep dark pit of your own personal hell to see the point of getting out. I have said that before.

You cannot do dope for a little while and get out.

Its going to take every thing from you first and put you through your own hell first. That is the best way for me to explain it to you. Meth creates your own personal hell and makes you LIVE through it all.

You have to feel every pain and emotion, you have to see your entire life falling apart, you have to bare witness to your own destruction of all that is YOUR LIFE. Taking your family, friends, loved ones, trust, dignity, morals, beliefs, reputation, common sense, education, health, joy, smiles, love, connections, and more all away from you so you are left with nothing besides the devil and his minion screaming “Give me more! Feed me fire! So I can destroy what you have left!”

And for some that is when death comes because they cannot take anymore but they do not know how to hold on enough to fight back or they don’t have God in their heart and they lose the battle.

For TJ & I we are two of the lucky ones!

We went through it all together and we have came out of it together. He has been so amazing. We each make our own choice every day to stay sober. But we choose it together. I love him in a way that I have never loved anyone else.

TJ has insecurities I wish he didn’t have. If he could see into my heart or if my love for him had a touch to it and he could feel it physically? He would know that I love him so very deeply. And he has no reason to doubt anything at all.

And I thank him silently every day for doing what he did that day.

I hope that he loves me even a quarter of the way I love him.

I love you TJ.

That is all for now

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q6 | 5+29+19

Q6: What do you need to forgive yourself for?

A6: the past 3 years of mistakes aka drug use

Oh I knew that I would have to get into this part of my life while answering these questions. I don’t know how to really even explain my answer other than to tell you all that I chose drugs over everything and everyone in my life. Yes that is including my children, sadly. This is something I have been working on for a while now. Because I need to forgive myself if I want God, my children, and my family/friends to forgive me too. I made so many mistakes that it’s hard to list them all. I didn’t start out choosing drugs first over everything and everyone else. I was managing my pill habit just fine but then I started to make the choice to not pay bills and I chased that high. Once I realized I needed to stop the pills I started to do Meth and that was an even bigger mistake because with pills I was still myself mostly but with Meth, nothing else really matters but Meth.

I can’t tell you why I let it get so bad only that it did and it happen quickly. I love my children more than my own life and how Meth was able to diminish that out of me I’ll never understand. But it did and that’s why I choose to not do it now, because I can no longer have my children believing that I love DRUGS more than I love them. I let them down so much. I allowed their dad to get custody, I stopped showing up for things that I promised I would, I stopped playing with them, I stopped listening to them, I stopped tucking them in bed at night, I stopped saying their prayers with them. I didn’t let them cook dinner with me, dancing in the kitchen, singing in the car, playing outside, showing them my undeniable love. It breaks my heart to know that I in so many ways let them down. God, I pray they allow me to make it up to them one day.

Forgive
verb

stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
definition of forgive

To forgive myself I need to do what is listed above. Have a fully forgiven myself? No! But I am making progress. I still get that knot in my stomach when I talk about what my drug use did to my children. I don’t know if that will go away or if it is part of my healing. I know that I am living every single day for my kids; for getting back to them. See their dad J, he seems to think that me out of their life forever is what is best. They have their step mom Ash and a perfect little life with them. But she is not me and neither of them can love them the way that I do.

I faltered for a moment and God knows I at times want to take it back but I love them with every single fiber of my SOUL!

If I had not gone through of the things I have went through the past year I would not be able to be who I am today. And I am happy with who I am. Later down the road my children are going to face situations like I have and I want to be able to be honest with them when I say ” I understand what your going through”.

Something their father nor Ash will be able too.

Because of their super clean life.

Lets face it. We have 4 children and of those 4 at least 1 if not 2 of them are going to face the drug world. And because I have been through what I have I will know how hard it will be to not do them, stop doing them, or battle with addiction. And because of all this I will be able to help them through it. I know now that God put me through that struggle for reasons. So I am able to start forgiving myself for doing the drugs. I am also in the process of forgiving myself for letting my children down so drastically. This is a little bit harder because I cannot talk to my kids right now.

J refuses to let me.

That is his mistake.

My gain

In time, however, my sweet perfect babies will know that I was sick but not one moment in time did I ever stop loving them.

In time, I’ll have them back. In time, they’ll have me back too.

Just wait and see.

Recovery is Freedom

@sobersoulchic

Push, Push, Push|5+22+19

Today my friends is a bit harder than some. You see, most day’s I can control my emotions. I don’t allow them to control me or overwhelm me because once I do I know I am subject to a setback. I am making progress though because today I have let myself run with my emotions but not set back too much.

Emotionally I’m screwed up today.

I’ve felt lonely. I’ve cried without immediate reason. I’ve thought to much on what I don’t have. Tears, frustration, anger,doubt, & sadness has overfilled me today.

This is the shit I don’t like!

Because understand what I am saying when I feel these emotions. I hit my knee’s out of nowhere because I can’t breath from crying. I feel a tightening in my chest because I literally become aware of my children absence in my life both physically and emotionally. I get snappy with someone I love because I am frustrated that I am not already at the point of being able to see or talk to the kids. I tell myself over and over out loud how STUPID I was messing up our lives over drugs and insane chaos. I feel a pressing cloud of anxiety because I start to doubt myself and where I can go and what I can achieve because the emotions are consuming me. I can’t even look at a picture of them and be happy. Because sadness has taken over me completely. THEY are my happiness but on days like today I am so aware that my happiness is NOWHERE near me or my life and I can’t take it.

I just need these emotions to pass! I am almost 100 days sober! I have a good job, a place of my own, a truck of my own, money in my bank account, my health, someone who loves me and supports me, family that is there for me every step of the way, & a God above that has blessed me, especially here lately.

Life is coming together.

Life is progressing along .

Life isn’t being completely unfair to me.

Life is worth living again.

Life is moving in the direction I need it to so that I can be a great mom to my kids.

Life is recovering for me.

These are my reminders that I can and HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THESE EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT TIMES!

I have to keep moving forward to make it back to my children. I can’t be broken and half dazed. No, I have to be completely healed and rejuvenated when I see them next.

So that’s why I come here and I share. Because somehow me writing these words help me by the time I hit publish. I don’t know why but I have to come here and push, push,push these buttons so that I can figure out a way and why I have to push, push, push through life!

That is all for now

+Chaotic Candance

Me feeling millions of emotions!

Feeling the emotions

A Little Bit Closer | 4+16+19

Hello all! I do hope your doing good and had a wonderfully safe weekend! For me it was long & eventful. But I have good news updates and some very exciting things to share.

Last week, I landed myself a JOB! After weeks of countless applications & interviews I was hired on at the wonderful Summerplace Inn Destin! It is a beautiful 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 hotel and I’ll be working at the front desk. My pay is great and I’ll be able to move up quickly. Not to mention the cruise they send their employees on! Anyhow, I start TODAY! I’m super excited. My boss Jen is the sweetest!

Yours truly at my interview!

I’m proud to say that TJ got himself a fan-friggin-tastic JOB too! He’s going into his 2nd full week now. Lucky guy gets to waterproof buildings right on the beach! Congrats babes I’m so proud of you. 💞 The weekend was long. Sunday April 14th was my baby brothers birthday! He turned 30! Happy Birthday Matty! Also, Sunday was my youngest daughters birthday! She turned 7! Happy birthday Jaylynn Taylor! I love you Pookie! It was to no avail to even try and wish her a good birthday. J wouldn’t answer my text or my phone call but I did leave a VM solely to Pookie. Now, Alyssa is next. Hers is on the 25th of this month. She will be 9!

You know this shit is hard to do sober! But I do and that is what keeps me going. I have found strength in my weakness you guys! I have decided to start doing some video’s! Just me and the camera and my thoughts. I’m still going to write but this way I can talk to my kids too! Anyhow, I’m super nervous to share the 1st 2 video’s but I’m gonna! I didn’t edit them (im still learning) and I am definitely just raw AF in it! Now, you can get a Lil bit closer to me! I hope you’ll watch them, comment, subscribe & as always share!

Video 1

Video 2

https://youtu.be/eTqaLGx_RLs

Well, guys thats it for now

+ChaoticCandance

The 34th Day| 03+23+19

Today is Day 34 of being completely sober. My torement & pain is lessening each and every day. I can’t really explain it and I’m one who is good with words. I’ve been down this road before. Getting clean and trying to save myself. However, I’ve not done it with the mindset that I’m in now. Its easy being sober for me now. I don’t desire anything about it anymore. Nothing during that time frame was good and worth while. I lost EVERYTHING I EVER HAD. Not material things. The things that mean something.

My children, myself, friends, relationships, dignity, self-worth, jobs, my soul! I’ve been wondering around like I’m in some alternate Galaxy. I was beginning to lose my mind in ways that I would not have recovered. But by the Grace of God and with some help from TJ & a few others I am doing it.

I recently connected with a woman on her recovery road and she is changing lives. She is doing some wonderful things. She asked me to give her a run down of where I been and where I am. So I wanted to share with you the same.

Hi Pamela! Im so excited to have found you. I’ve spent days reading up on you, your website, and many of the woman you are in part with. I’m not only inspired but thankful I got on IG thay day and found your post through another post. I feel like God has lead me to you for so many reasons. Anyhow, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I’m 31 years old and a mother to 4 beautiful children. I was born in Dallas but raised all over from Tn to Tx but mostly in Huntsville, Al. I recently picked up and moved to Pensacola, FL about 30 days ago with my boyfriend Tyler and my mom CJ. This was something I had to do to save not only my life but my boyfriends as well.

In 2012 I divorced my husband of 10 years & in 2014 I became addicted to prescription pain pills. Mostly percacet and roxi’s. By 2016 I had a habbit of spending $350 A DAY ON ROXI’S. I began spending all my money on pills and neglecting my priorities including taking care of the things my children needed.

February 5, 2017 I lost full custody of my babies and by the end of March I was a full blowed Meth addict and began the biggest downfall of my life. Since March of ’17 I have been aressted multiple times, been in and out of my babies lives, lost family amd friends, and most of all failed God and myself.

I was last locked up from August to November of last year and that was probably what has me alive today. I was able to regain parts of myself that I had lost within those jail walls. Upon realease I stayed clean for about 30 days and then when i Missed a visit with my kids I relapsed. For the next few months I hit harder on Meth than i had ever before. This is because I missed ny visit and lost my visitation again and missed my son turning 13 and my oldest daughter turning 12. I have never missed their birthdays, even while on dope.

But on February 17th exactly 32 day ago TJ looked at me after huge fight and said we done! No more dope or else we will end up apart and dead. And we left the one place for us both that kept us on the drugs HOME!

But now we are days away from starting great paying jobs, obtaining new a new car and our own place. Everyday we laugh and he video chats with his kids. I am working on talking with my ex to gwt my kids back in my everyday life (i have some big fuxk ups to fix). We are clean and living free now.

I am a blogger and have been fir years. During this chaotic ride ive learned about myself and Ive wanted to make a difference and help others come out alive. I quit doing Meth on my own with no rehab or classes. I know its not always going to be easy. I cry a lot when I’m in the shower alone and I have some pretty wicked nightmares. But im doing this and I feel great.

So there’s a lil about me and where Im at right now. Im and open 📖 and hope to learn more about you. Im so excited! Have a blessed day!

Candance

Hey guys ! This is me just the other day!

So there it is. Ive been a mess but Im recovering. Thats all for now.

Chaotic Candance.