Reason’s Why | 08+14+19

There is always a reason…..

that we use drugs. Now, I’m not talking about those phony reason’s addicts give like, “I wanted to see what it was like” or “just because I wanted too” no I am talking about those deep dark wounds that eat away at us until we decide that we cannot handle it any longer and we use for the first time.

I am talking deep dark reason’s!

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), 19.7 million American adults (aged 12 and older) battled a substance use disorder in 2017.1

I would almost bet that at least one person that lives on your street is a drug user or at least has been a drug user. Why? Because so many of us battle with this! Addiction and Mental Health Disorders (MHD) are becoming an epidemic and we need to try and stop it! Now, that I have mentioned MHD’s you should know that they go hand in hand with Addiction and shouldn’t be taken lightly!

In 2017, 8.5 million American adults suffered from both a mental health disorder and a substance use disorder, or co-occurring disorders.1

Now, let me say this. If you have never suffered from a mental health disorder or a substance use disorder you might say that it is non-nonsence and that those who use or battle with mental health should just “say no to drugs” or “see the brighter side of life” and then everything will be just fine!

I ASSURE IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY…..

Throughout my childhood I remember seeing so many people drink, smoke weed, and be “high” of course I didn’t know that then but I know it now. My mom and I once lived in a motel that was connected to a bar so that she didn’t have to worry about driving or finding me a sitter! In fact I would watch myself most nights and that was Okay with me. Now, don’t think badly of my mother because she loved me and I knew that every second of everyday! She always told me so.

She simply was an addict and couldn’t find her stopping point. In fact, she wouldn’t find her stopping point until after I started using drugs and then stopped using them myself!

Anyhow, the reason I told you that short little story is I can remember the feeling of seeing my mom drunk, the feeling of loniliness, the feeling of fear, and most the feeling of anger that I was never going to drink those ” silly drinks” that my mom drank. I didin’t want to ever want to put my kids in that situation. I had always lived by that defining moment in my life.

Of course once I got married and began my struggle with my own MHD I would later find that my own struggle would be worse than what my mother put me through; with my own children.

I wish I had known that my depression and anxiety and feelings of not being good enough in my marriage to J would lead me to self destruction! I wish that I had know that what I was dealing with wasn’t normal and that I needed help!

However, I was too good at hiding my pain! And I had never experienced depression or anxiety or anything of the sorts. I was always just the one to take care of people such as my mom or myself or my friends. I didn’t understand that my 8 year marriage to J was destructive and mentally abusive and that I was sick by the time it ended.

My mental health disorder was my reason……

My dark deep reason for using I now know was that I never felt good enough. I never felt like I was going to amount to anything because I always needed someone to be there for me as an adult.

You see growing up I took care of myself and my mom but once I fell so deeply in love with J I relied on him for my happiness! And instead of real happiness he devoured me in lies, heartache, unworthiness, and tears. So I never got to be happy and I never really got my independence back until 6 months ago when I decided to get clean and sober.

Now, I’m not trying to say that J is the reason I was a user.

I am that reason. My emotions. My decisions. My own darkness.

We have additional add on features that help us most of the time. Such as the mental illiness that I delveloped from being married to J, my gentics on both side of parents who are users/addicts, and people, places, and things.

However, we all have that ONE REASON that we use.

That is mine. I needed to exscape that feeling of not being worthy, of not being an independent mother, of not having the ability to care for myself or my children properly.

Once I divorced J my mother was always around. There were times here and there that she would get locked up or whatever and I would find myself on my own. Of course I would run to someone and ask for help. I would never do it on my own!

I didn’t believe in myself enough to try and do it on my own.

All the while I see TJ and his at the time wife in active heavy meth addiction. I would cry and cry and cry for them and wish that they would see that life wasn’t good being a user and I would rescue them from whatever issue they had gotten themselves into.

Little did I know that I would become a second runner for being the worst of the worst.

But I remember the first time I did a pain pill! Now, I am not going to state who gave me that first taste of my high’s because this person is a good person she is just lost! So we will call her “Jessie”

I was hurting. My stomach was in unbearable pain. So Jessie told me to take a pill. What she meant was to snort it. Just snot a little line and it will hit you fast and you wont feel a thing. In fact, you will feel loads better and might help me clean this house!”

Now, lets hit the pause button. I was hurting but I knew I didn’t want to open the door for that. I knew that I come from addicts and that I didn’t want to open that door for myself.

And then again…..

I knew that Jessie and everyone else who used pain pills felt like a million bucks without overdoing it. They didn’t lose a bunch of weight or act like idiots or get crater face! So maybe I could just do a few lines of the pills and feel good for a while! I have self control and this I know!

Unpause!

I did it. I snorted my first pill and it was exhilerating! I felt no pain and I did help her clean that house! And I played outside with my kids for hours and then after they went to bed I did it again and then before I knew it my body couldn’t function without it!

I didn’t care though. I felt good. I didn’t worry so much about not being good enough for anyone. I still was managing!

It didnt’ take long before I was spending $350 a day on Roxy’s and almost overdosed 3 times! I was out of control and everyone could see it!

Especially, J! He took his opportunity and got temp custody and when he did I was done for! I said no I will not keep doing this I am going to get my kids back and I have got to stop doing pills!

But then the withdrawls! Oh they were worse than anything I have ever been through. I couldn’t do it; it was too much.

So Jessie had an idea! She said ” Do you trust me?” and I said of course I trust you!

Well, then she told me that she knew a way that I could come off the Roxy’s without feeling the withdrawls. Oh I was all ears at this point! But then she tells me that what she is talking about is using METH for just 1 whole week. I won’t feel the pain of withdrawing and since METH dont’ have no real addiction qualities I will be able to stop. No one will ever know!

I faught it yall!

I did.

But the pain was too much and I looked around and my kids were gone and I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was not feel this pain both physcal and mentally.

So I used METH and my life was over. Oh don’t get me wrong Jessie was right that I wouldn’t want the pills no more nor would I feel that pain. But she was wrong when she said I would be able to stop.

I didn’t and I kept going and I became a monster. I became someone I never thought I would be.

Now, what if I had never felt that feeling of not being good enough? That feeling of unworthiness. That feeling of failing in so many ways.

Would I have ever used drugs or pain medication?

I true don’t think I would have.

That was my reason! I deleveloped a serious mental health issue that lead me to using and I don’t wish that on anyone!

Ask any user or recovering addict why they began to use and I assure that they will pinpoint it back to some form of mental health issue or feeling of not being good enough!

I know that we can fix this! Our generation is brilliant and there has to be a way to reduce the risk of mental illiness thus reducing drug abuse!

That is all for now.

chic_sober

Statisics found at

https://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/addiction-statistics

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Devine Understanding|08+12+19

The most recent picture I have of them
From left to right
Jaylynn | 7
Alyssa | 9
Zacary | 13
Haylie | 12

I love you and I miss you all so very much…..

This isn’t something I find myself doing a lot of here lately. Talking about my children. It is not because I don’t care or miss them, but in fact it is the opposite; its painfully hard to talk about them most days. But that is something that with lots of prayer I am going to change.

For me since getting sober there has been stages of consciousness of realization!

Stage 1 | Guilt overload

This stage is when I was fresh off the dope and my mind and body was still affected by the drugs and all I could do was either 1. feel sorry for myself or 2. feel an extreme amount of guilt for what I had done and how I lost custody of my kids. During this stage all I couldn’t speak thier name or look at a picture or hear a story about them because if I did all I would do is cry, get angry, or want to get high to forget! So I didn’t talk, let anyone talk, or look at thier pictures! I was in this stage for about 2 months or so.

Stage 2 | Acceptance and/or Acknowledgement

During this stage I began to come back to myself. I started to allow myself to feel things without getting overwhelmed. I didn’t let myself get angry or feel so much guilt because I knew I was on the right track. By the this point I started downloading all the pictures I could find of them and saved them to my screensaver and lockscreen. I was super emotional about the fact that I was missing out on a lot of things! All I wanted to do was consume myself in everything that dealt with my kids. I however, also accepted that I had made choices that now keep me away from them and the only way top fix that was to continue to stay clean and find a better life for myself. I was in this stage for about 1 n half months or so.

Stage 3 | Emotional Desire

This was the hardest stage for me since getting my act together. I found myself constantly asking God why I was ever given my children if he was going to keep me from them. I wanted them in my life now, I wanted to talk to them now, and I didn’t want to wait to share my good news with them for later; I wanted to share it now. Mentally I knew that I wasn’t ready to have them back because I still had things to work on but emotionally that didn’t matter! Emotionally all I wanted to do was be in thier presence, touch and hold them, hear thier voices. I was really worried about myself during this stage but I managed to make it through. I found video’s of my kids and listened and watched them over and over and over again. I creid so much! I laughed! I showed those video’s to whoever was around me about 10000 times! I gave myself the best possible medicine for being without them: hearing thier voices! I was in this stage for 3 months or so and it about killed me.

Stage 4 | Devine Understanding

And this is where I am at now with my children. I have a new Devine Understanding about the kids being in my life. This is been hard on me to really find some kind of peace. There has been days that I didn’t get out of bed until my Pastor’s wife came and dragged me out herself. Most this the stage where I learned! I have began my walk with God (getting Baptized and recieveing the Holy Ghost) and what he has taught me has forever changed my life. I can finally fine some peace in my heart about them. I have been in church crying my biggest cry to God, I have had people praying with me without knowing what I am praying for, I have had an extreme amount of spirit be put through my body and I know that God has been planning this all along. He has given me his Devine Understanding about me as a mother and them as my children. God, has showed me that he needs me to be ready to recieve them back into my life. He needs me to be financially, mentally, emotionally, physchally, & substancially ready to have them back. I am not fully there yet but when I am is when he will bring them back into my life. He needed me to be this person with this kind of devotion and dedication in me to truly love and serve him as I should. I know what he is asking of me and I will prove that I am true in my walk with him. I thank God for the blessings he has given me. This stage will be my final stage until they are with me again!


With all that being said, I miss them and wish that J would just answer the phone or video calls and let me talk to them even once a week. I know I did a lot wrong but I am thier mother and regardless one day they will see me again. I know J and Ash are taking great care of them but do they really love them if they keep me out? I can understand if I am using or acting a fool, but I am not that person anymore and they won’t even give me a chance to show them otherwise! Do they not understand that we are all human and make mistakes? Either way I continue to pray for them.

I do believe its time I share my letters to my kids on here. I wrote each of my kids a letter a few weeks back and wasn’t going to share them but I need to!

Mama loves you guys!

That is all for now.

@chic_sober

#beatingaddiction | 08+13+19

These images I’m sharing are hard to look at. What you are seeing is my downfall and my rise above through pictures. The top row is from December 2016 thorough March 2018! This was 27 months of pure hell and I still continued on for another 11, months making it a total of 34 months!!! The bottom row is just the last few months pictures from June – August! I started out with massive pain pill addiction from percacets to Roxy’s and During my most active addiction days I was a heavy Meth user. I battled with depression, suscide, and losing my children which was almost the death of me. I was down to 98 lbs and did not even know if I was going to live or die! I felt guilty, unloved, ashamed, and like I couldn’t find peace or a way out of the world I was living! 
But God has delivered me of my addictions and I have been given a chance at life and I want to show the world just how great, kind, forgiving, & loving our Lord & Savior really is! I’ve never step foot into a rehab nor have I ever attended a meeting for my addiction. I have asked God to forgive me of my sins and deliver me a clean heart! And he has! I am #175dayssober and I don’t have desire to use or go back to that life! I am happy, healthy, loving, and ALIVE! Everyday I follow the plan God has sent for me and I survive and I add another day to my life! I know #recoveryispossible and I will soon see my children again. If you are struggling with addiction of any kind and you think you can handle it you are wrong! If you think you are managing you are wrong! If you think you still love you family,friends, and especially your children the same way you are wrong! You love that addiction more than anything else while you are using and that won’t change until you MAKE THAT CHOICE TO STOP! But you can stop! I am just an ordinary woman but I want you to all see that it is possible to beat the Devil and start #beatingaddiction
Im living proof! | #mytestonmony#recovery#lifeafteraddiction#sobersoulchic#ShareStrong#rawandreal#methrecovery#pillrecovery#godwilldeliver#GodStrong#GodsPlan#heisneverlate#cleanheart

That wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be…

But that is the post that I shared on my IG (you can find the orginal post HERE) the other day. It is a collage of me in some of my worst active addiction days and then some of my best of me now.

Now, don’t get me wrong I know I have a long way to go but what I am trying to share is that there is hope for you to recover! I want you to see that I am not some person being paid on a commerical for a rehab center, I am a real person!

I have Gone from the top to deepest bottom and then come to rise above it all. These words I’m saying aren’t to sell you something or try to get you to subscribe! They are just me telling you exactly how I feel.

There are addicts right now struggling with wanting to get clean and not knowing what to do or that they can even do it because they have tried before and failed!

I did too!

But I want those people to know that there is a way out! There is a chance at life after addiction. There are steps, decisions, choices, and plans to make that will allow you to live a life full of pride, intergity, honesty, love, compassion, and so much more! Everyone is different and some will need more help but I assure you that if you WANT to stop you can do so! I want to help you and I want you to know you are not alone!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

#ShareStrong | 08+09+19

The normal social media lovers cannot live without Instagram! Some can do away with Facebook or Twitter even but most definelty they will no go without Instagram! Why is that I wonder? It could be the “photo” basis of sharing leaving the drama to a lesser more managable sense or even that the platform is much smaller! I know for me I love it because of the smaller platform and ridicioulsy awesome #filters.

But hey I’m just one girl! Who knows why the IG is seriously the most popular form of social media!

Anyhow, IG is filled with people using the ever so poplular # ordeal! I am a fan of this of course beacuse you probably know I use them in almost every post no matter where I am posting. Now, most people use silly #hashtags and create a movement that is drastically disppointing! But then there are some that use this to make movements that will change things in the current scene!

That is what my post is about today! #ShareStrong by Kate Upton

If you know anything about celeberties you will know that Kate is a insanely gorgeous American super model and actress. She has been seen on the cover of Vogue, Sports Illistrated, and Cosmo! She has the most beautiful fair skin tone and a huge smile that will blind you! Of course all of us everyday-ers like to think she is some out of this world person but we forget that she-they-them-being celeberties are also NORMAL people too!

Of course most celebs don’t share #nofilter photos or #makeagoodmovement hashtags but on this day Kate Upton has started something amazing! She most definelty wants to make a movement in a good way! I had to follow along with this because it pulled at my heart and I think it is something that we all need to be doing! Plus, its perfect for how I need to remind myself how far I have come!

You can see Kate’s orginal IG post HERE and mine HERE!

THE PHOTO I POSTED ON MY IG!

Today I’m sharing this picture of me with #nomakeup#nofilters and #noworries ….
I have been through a multitude of changes both emotionally, spiritually, and physically over the past 6 months. I spent just over 3 years destroying my entire life, mind, body, and soul with drugs & self destruction. But by the Grace of God and a support system of the most kind & Godly people I’ve ever met. I have overcome my drug addiction and self destruction to finally start loving myself again. @hillaryscottla shared a post that caught my attention about #selfcare& inspired me! @kateupton even more so wants to inspire everyone to help her spread #selflove through her #ShareStrong campaign. This I couldn’t pass up. It is truly just what I needed to see. So please help me by tagging someone you know is beautiful and strong and ask them to share with you #withoutthemakeup#withoutthefilters, and #withoutworries to show we are all beautiful!

Welp, there you have it! Now, what will you post to carry on #ShareStrong in your part of this world?

That is all for now

@chic_sober

Just a Lil Update | 07+26+19

The past few weeks have for one just flown by and for two been an emotional ride. I have cried good and bad cries, I have thought of things I normally don’t, I have seen people I have seen since I got sober, and I haven’t gotten to see people I so desperetly want to see. And this just puts a light note on everything that has been going down. I have not been able to write obvisouly but I got a new computer at work so now I can better tend to this blog like I want to.

There isn’t a way to explain my emotional status right now. I will say that I am learning more and more about myself every day and I am so thankful for that.

So whats new?

Church Camp!

Oh how it was an experwince out of this world. I have never seen so many people so passionate about God and his word. It was a beautiful things to see first hand. The music was fantastic and possibly one of my favorite parts. Of course ya’ll know I love music and this just made me want to jump to my feet and get down with it. There was 3 main speakers there and then a few others that joined them. I love all of them! However, Brother Carpenter was downright my favorite! I felt like he had a message that was sent just to me. You know I wondered why I was even going because I am so new to the church thing I wasn’t even sure I would understand a word that they were saying. But I was wrong! I heard those messages loud and clear, especially when Brother Carpenter got on the stage to deliever God’s message.

I don’t want to die I want to be a testimony!

Those words were so close to home that I keep playing them over and over in my heard over a week later. I cried so hard when the message sank in and I know that God was letting me know that he has plans for me to do something great with all that I been through and I know that I am on the path he wants me on. I hope you guys will take a look at what all happen at Church Camp. I’ll be making a post full of pictures and great detail about everything! I can’t wait to share with you all!

Trip to Alabama!

Yep! That is right! TJ and I took a week trip back to Alabama and loved every minute of it. I didn’t get to see everyone that I wanted too but we did see those closest to us, besides my Granny. The best part was getting to see TJ’s kids. They are a handful but they are so precious. KK his daughter was literally attached to me almos the entire time. And his son TK was the same way with his dad, that is until it was bed time and then he was certain he had to be snuggled up with me. I swear we played Monoply for 3 hours, jumped on the trampoline for 2 hours, and rode the 4wheeler for 9586595 hours! LOL but it was a blast. I layed them down to sleep and went outside to have the biggest cry I have had in a long time. I sat on the porch at 3am and cried and talked to God for who knows how long. His kids only live 15 minutes away from where J and Ash lived with my kids and it was really hitting home being that close to them and not be able to see them. Of course they all have moved to Florida now but it still hit home.
Anyhow, I can’t wait to share with you the beautiful and fun pictures I took of the kids. They are so precious!

School+School+School!

Whoa! I am in the 3rd week of my 2nd class and when I went to camp and then straight to my Bama trip it really messed up my grades so now I am having to make uip for that. But I am lovin my progress so far. My current class is Psychology of Play and it is ridicously fun! Should that even be when your in college? Well, it is and I have no complaints about that! I will be finishing up this class on the 5th of August and hopefuylly I can pull off a decent grade even though it took a couple hits. They sent me my brand new IPAD late last month and man oh man is that the coolest! Soon, I will be getting a MacBook Pro and for that I really cannot wait! I’ve made some pretty neat video’s and visual graphics thus so far in my classes and I’ll have to share with you more on school later!

Life+Love+Work

My everyday life is a blessed one. I can’t make many complaints because there are none to make.

FOR TJ AND I ARE 161 DAYS SOBER!!!!!!!

There isn’t any struggle for me in that department. God so far has kept the desire for that out of my mind and heart. I work in a wonderful office where I get to focus on my life and the things that are important to me, I have a cute lil apartment where TJ and Stella keep me the best company, and TJ is the funniest man I’ve ever known. I love him deeply!

I cannot tell you how blessed I am if I wrote 10000 post about it. But I am surely goig to try!

More later but that is all for now!

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q28 | 06+20+19

Q28: Who are your role models and what qualities do you share with them?

A28: I couldn’t dare share thier qualities!

But I will tell you that my role models are

Sister J

(Aunt) Tammy

Simply because they are amazing women and though so completely different I hope that I share the kindness, heart, love, and understanding that they hold.

That is all for now!

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q27 | 06+19+19

Q27: What choices are you are making right now that your future self will thank you for later?

A27: Staying sober, church, job, stability, & living life!

I have said this before but all the choices I am making today are for myself and my children! I want to give them a life and a mom that they can be proud of. For 3 long years I was making choices and even before that I was making choices that myself now kicks my own butt for. But now I am making choices that 3 years from now I know I will proud of myself for!

I choose to stay sober every day and life is so much better!

I choose to walk through this life with God and that is so much better!

I choose to work and keep a job and that is so much better!

I choose to stay where I am instead of run and move around and that is so much better!

I am living life instead of giving up and that is so much better!

I am doing everything I can to get back to my kids and live a good life the way God wants me to and I know that I will thank myself later!

That is all for now

@chic_sober