I’M MOVING! | 09+17+19

That’s right I’m moving! I will miss this place as it has been home to me for some time now! But I know this is the right choice and I hope that you all will…..

Find yourselves following the blog in its new home!

I am not moving silly! The blog is!

WordPress is a beautiful and wonderful place and I love it dearly but I needed something more and I am happy with my move. Now, I will be posting here for a little while longer but mostly just to share the link to my updated post at its new home! I have some very lovely followers here and I do hope that you will all still subcribe, follow, and see your way over to the new spot!

www.asobersoul.com

Sober Soul has a beautiful new home with all the best features and pretty updates. The viewing is much smoother and you won’t believe the new things happening there that I cannot share here!

Please head over and check it out and let me know what you think and that your a follower from wordpress! I do hope to see you there!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

Happiness | 08+24+19

Find an understanding within yourself about your life…and then you can begin to recover….

I recently wrote about how most addicts have an underlying reason that they start using. That I think is important when you start your journey of recovery. There also needs to be a sense of understanding with yourself. We need to understand what our reasons are, how they affect us, what is happening to us , and most of all we need to understand where we are in life and how we got there, to truly recover.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t pray for understanding in my life. Understanding what is going on in our lives is important. Understanding our emotions is important. Understanding that we will find a way through the darkness is necessary. Our mind and our souls have been broken at some point and whatever happened to get us to point of being broken; that is what we have to understand. Why it had to happen that way and finding a way through the emotions is often the hardest part.

So how do we find understanding? How to do we find the acceptance of the events in our life? How do we work our way through the emotions? It is our emotions that we try to cover with substance or alchol abuse isn’t it? I have found ways to heal through the emotions that come when you begin your road to recovery and allow you to begin feeling happiness again.

Know what takes your happiness away.

Find the best possible solution to that issue.

Develop a plan that will give you success to complete your solution.

Write these all down. Or make a video journal of your issue, solution, and plan.

Set forth on your plan. You may need to enlist the help of someone to get to where you need to be emotionally. But if you do this alone take it slow and don’t overthink it!

Record your accomplishments and progress. Don’t allow yourself to fall off course. Your end goal is to create a solution to the problem that steals your happiness. Don’t lose sight of that.

Embrace the opportunity to be happy. This is often the hardest part! Accepting that you want to be happy and that you deserve to be happy!

Always be aware of things, people, places, actions, or situations that can steal your happiness! We have to work overtime on managing our happiness during early stages of recovery so pay close attention to everything and everyone around you that risk stealing your happiness from you.

Don’t allow doubt or guilt take anything from you! Remember you are choosing to get sober and that is a beautiful thing and another step closer to a beautiful life!

We need to accept that we deserve to be happy. Of course that is another topic all on its’ own!

However, there is so much beauty in being happy in the moment that your in! Even if your life isn’t completely where you want or need it to be. For example, I don’t have my children back in my life at all! I don’t get to talk to them or see them or have any updates on their life what so ever. But I don’t spend my days sad and angry anymore. Because I cannot get myself to where I need to be if I am not living life!

I know what took my happiness away. I know what started all this for me and I didn’t even realize that until I posted my “Reasons Why” post. My marriage took most of my happiness away and then losing my children took the rest of what I had left away. So therefor I found my issue to what was stealing my happiness. Now, I devleoped a plan for a solutuion to that issue! My plan for getting my children back! Next, I docuement every week my progress on moving my life in the direction to get my kids back. That my friends I do privately because there are some folks that just don’t need to know my every move. I also record my accomplishments of my life progress (also in my plan) and my acccomplishments in the steps to geting my kids back. I remind myself that everything I am doing is to get them back into my life! I have removed anyone from my life that don’t add to my positive and happy vibes in life! I also don’t put myself in situations to risk my sobreity nor my happiness! On the days that I something really good happens and I start to feel guilty for that excitement I feel I remind myself that I have to be happy and healthy to obtain my goal and that it is a part of my recovery, part of my healing, and a part of my life plan! I can see the bigger picture and know that what I am looking forward to is like looking out into the world with a fresh perspective and opening my arms wide letting the air hit my face and the wind blow through my hair as I soak up every moment, because I know that I am lucky to be alive!

My children need me to be everything I can be so that I can fully care for them and give them the life they deserve!

So the next time you are wondering if it is okay to be happy or if you can even find happiness again? Just remember that no matter what if you truly want a good life you can create it and there is nothing wrong with being happy!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

Reason’s Why | 08+14+19

There is always a reason…..

that we use drugs. Now, I’m not talking about those phony reason’s addicts give like, “I wanted to see what it was like” or “just because I wanted too” no I am talking about those deep dark wounds that eat away at us until we decide that we cannot handle it any longer and we use for the first time.

I am talking deep dark reason’s!

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), 19.7 million American adults (aged 12 and older) battled a substance use disorder in 2017.1

I would almost bet that at least one person that lives on your street is a drug user or at least has been a drug user. Why? Because so many of us battle with this! Addiction and Mental Health Disorders (MHD) are becoming an epidemic and we need to try and stop it! Now, that I have mentioned MHD’s you should know that they go hand in hand with Addiction and shouldn’t be taken lightly!

In 2017, 8.5 million American adults suffered from both a mental health disorder and a substance use disorder, or co-occurring disorders.1

Now, let me say this. If you have never suffered from a mental health disorder or a substance use disorder you might say that it is non-nonsence and that those who use or battle with mental health should just “say no to drugs” or “see the brighter side of life” and then everything will be just fine!

I ASSURE IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY…..

Throughout my childhood I remember seeing so many people drink, smoke weed, and be “high” of course I didn’t know that then but I know it now. My mom and I once lived in a motel that was connected to a bar so that she didn’t have to worry about driving or finding me a sitter! In fact I would watch myself most nights and that was Okay with me. Now, don’t think badly of my mother because she loved me and I knew that every second of everyday! She always told me so.

She simply was an addict and couldn’t find her stopping point. In fact, she wouldn’t find her stopping point until after I started using drugs and then stopped using them myself!

Anyhow, the reason I told you that short little story is I can remember the feeling of seeing my mom drunk, the feeling of loniliness, the feeling of fear, and most the feeling of anger that I was never going to drink those ” silly drinks” that my mom drank. I didin’t want to ever want to put my kids in that situation. I had always lived by that defining moment in my life.

Of course once I got married and began my struggle with my own MHD I would later find that my own struggle would be worse than what my mother put me through; with my own children.

I wish I had known that my depression and anxiety and feelings of not being good enough in my marriage to J would lead me to self destruction! I wish that I had know that what I was dealing with wasn’t normal and that I needed help!

However, I was too good at hiding my pain! And I had never experienced depression or anxiety or anything of the sorts. I was always just the one to take care of people such as my mom or myself or my friends. I didn’t understand that my 8 year marriage to J was destructive and mentally abusive and that I was sick by the time it ended.

My mental health disorder was my reason……

My dark deep reason for using I now know was that I never felt good enough. I never felt like I was going to amount to anything because I always needed someone to be there for me as an adult.

You see growing up I took care of myself and my mom but once I fell so deeply in love with J I relied on him for my happiness! And instead of real happiness he devoured me in lies, heartache, unworthiness, and tears. So I never got to be happy and I never really got my independence back until 6 months ago when I decided to get clean and sober.

Now, I’m not trying to say that J is the reason I was a user.

I am that reason. My emotions. My decisions. My own darkness.

We have additional add on features that help us most of the time. Such as the mental illiness that I delveloped from being married to J, my gentics on both side of parents who are users/addicts, and people, places, and things.

However, we all have that ONE REASON that we use.

That is mine. I needed to exscape that feeling of not being worthy, of not being an independent mother, of not having the ability to care for myself or my children properly.

Once I divorced J my mother was always around. There were times here and there that she would get locked up or whatever and I would find myself on my own. Of course I would run to someone and ask for help. I would never do it on my own!

I didn’t believe in myself enough to try and do it on my own.

All the while I see TJ and his at the time wife in active heavy meth addiction. I would cry and cry and cry for them and wish that they would see that life wasn’t good being a user and I would rescue them from whatever issue they had gotten themselves into.

Little did I know that I would become a second runner for being the worst of the worst.

But I remember the first time I did a pain pill! Now, I am not going to state who gave me that first taste of my high’s because this person is a good person she is just lost! So we will call her “Jessie”

I was hurting. My stomach was in unbearable pain. So Jessie told me to take a pill. What she meant was to snort it. Just snot a little line and it will hit you fast and you wont feel a thing. In fact, you will feel loads better and might help me clean this house!”

Now, lets hit the pause button. I was hurting but I knew I didn’t want to open the door for that. I knew that I come from addicts and that I didn’t want to open that door for myself.

And then again…..

I knew that Jessie and everyone else who used pain pills felt like a million bucks without overdoing it. They didn’t lose a bunch of weight or act like idiots or get crater face! So maybe I could just do a few lines of the pills and feel good for a while! I have self control and this I know!

Unpause!

I did it. I snorted my first pill and it was exhilerating! I felt no pain and I did help her clean that house! And I played outside with my kids for hours and then after they went to bed I did it again and then before I knew it my body couldn’t function without it!

I didn’t care though. I felt good. I didn’t worry so much about not being good enough for anyone. I still was managing!

It didnt’ take long before I was spending $350 a day on Roxy’s and almost overdosed 3 times! I was out of control and everyone could see it!

Especially, J! He took his opportunity and got temp custody and when he did I was done for! I said no I will not keep doing this I am going to get my kids back and I have got to stop doing pills!

But then the withdrawls! Oh they were worse than anything I have ever been through. I couldn’t do it; it was too much.

So Jessie had an idea! She said ” Do you trust me?” and I said of course I trust you!

Well, then she told me that she knew a way that I could come off the Roxy’s without feeling the withdrawls. Oh I was all ears at this point! But then she tells me that what she is talking about is using METH for just 1 whole week. I won’t feel the pain of withdrawing and since METH dont’ have no real addiction qualities I will be able to stop. No one will ever know!

I faught it yall!

I did.

But the pain was too much and I looked around and my kids were gone and I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was not feel this pain both physcal and mentally.

So I used METH and my life was over. Oh don’t get me wrong Jessie was right that I wouldn’t want the pills no more nor would I feel that pain. But she was wrong when she said I would be able to stop.

I didn’t and I kept going and I became a monster. I became someone I never thought I would be.

Now, what if I had never felt that feeling of not being good enough? That feeling of unworthiness. That feeling of failing in so many ways.

Would I have ever used drugs or pain medication?

I true don’t think I would have.

That was my reason! I deleveloped a serious mental health issue that lead me to using and I don’t wish that on anyone!

Ask any user or recovering addict why they began to use and I assure that they will pinpoint it back to some form of mental health issue or feeling of not being good enough!

I know that we can fix this! Our generation is brilliant and there has to be a way to reduce the risk of mental illiness thus reducing drug abuse!

That is all for now.

chic_sober

Statisics found at

https://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/addiction-statistics

Devine Understanding|08+12+19

The most recent picture I have of them
From left to right
Jaylynn | 7
Alyssa | 9
Zacary | 13
Haylie | 12

I love you and I miss you all so very much…..

This isn’t something I find myself doing a lot of here lately. Talking about my children. It is not because I don’t care or miss them, but in fact it is the opposite; its painfully hard to talk about them most days. But that is something that with lots of prayer I am going to change.

For me since getting sober there has been stages of consciousness of realization!

Stage 1 | Guilt overload

This stage is when I was fresh off the dope and my mind and body was still affected by the drugs and all I could do was either 1. feel sorry for myself or 2. feel an extreme amount of guilt for what I had done and how I lost custody of my kids. During this stage all I couldn’t speak thier name or look at a picture or hear a story about them because if I did all I would do is cry, get angry, or want to get high to forget! So I didn’t talk, let anyone talk, or look at thier pictures! I was in this stage for about 2 months or so.

Stage 2 | Acceptance and/or Acknowledgement

During this stage I began to come back to myself. I started to allow myself to feel things without getting overwhelmed. I didn’t let myself get angry or feel so much guilt because I knew I was on the right track. By the this point I started downloading all the pictures I could find of them and saved them to my screensaver and lockscreen. I was super emotional about the fact that I was missing out on a lot of things! All I wanted to do was consume myself in everything that dealt with my kids. I however, also accepted that I had made choices that now keep me away from them and the only way top fix that was to continue to stay clean and find a better life for myself. I was in this stage for about 1 n half months or so.

Stage 3 | Emotional Desire

This was the hardest stage for me since getting my act together. I found myself constantly asking God why I was ever given my children if he was going to keep me from them. I wanted them in my life now, I wanted to talk to them now, and I didn’t want to wait to share my good news with them for later; I wanted to share it now. Mentally I knew that I wasn’t ready to have them back because I still had things to work on but emotionally that didn’t matter! Emotionally all I wanted to do was be in thier presence, touch and hold them, hear thier voices. I was really worried about myself during this stage but I managed to make it through. I found video’s of my kids and listened and watched them over and over and over again. I creid so much! I laughed! I showed those video’s to whoever was around me about 10000 times! I gave myself the best possible medicine for being without them: hearing thier voices! I was in this stage for 3 months or so and it about killed me.

Stage 4 | Devine Understanding

And this is where I am at now with my children. I have a new Devine Understanding about the kids being in my life. This is been hard on me to really find some kind of peace. There has been days that I didn’t get out of bed until my Pastor’s wife came and dragged me out herself. Most this the stage where I learned! I have began my walk with God (getting Baptized and recieveing the Holy Ghost) and what he has taught me has forever changed my life. I can finally fine some peace in my heart about them. I have been in church crying my biggest cry to God, I have had people praying with me without knowing what I am praying for, I have had an extreme amount of spirit be put through my body and I know that God has been planning this all along. He has given me his Devine Understanding about me as a mother and them as my children. God, has showed me that he needs me to be ready to recieve them back into my life. He needs me to be financially, mentally, emotionally, physchally, & substancially ready to have them back. I am not fully there yet but when I am is when he will bring them back into my life. He needed me to be this person with this kind of devotion and dedication in me to truly love and serve him as I should. I know what he is asking of me and I will prove that I am true in my walk with him. I thank God for the blessings he has given me. This stage will be my final stage until they are with me again!


With all that being said, I miss them and wish that J would just answer the phone or video calls and let me talk to them even once a week. I know I did a lot wrong but I am thier mother and regardless one day they will see me again. I know J and Ash are taking great care of them but do they really love them if they keep me out? I can understand if I am using or acting a fool, but I am not that person anymore and they won’t even give me a chance to show them otherwise! Do they not understand that we are all human and make mistakes? Either way I continue to pray for them.

I do believe its time I share my letters to my kids on here. I wrote each of my kids a letter a few weeks back and wasn’t going to share them but I need to!

Mama loves you guys!

That is all for now.

@chic_sober

#beatingaddiction | 08+13+19

These images I’m sharing are hard to look at. What you are seeing is my downfall and my rise above through pictures. The top row is from December 2016 thorough March 2018! This was 27 months of pure hell and I still continued on for another 11, months making it a total of 34 months!!! The bottom row is just the last few months pictures from June – August! I started out with massive pain pill addiction from percacets to Roxy’s and During my most active addiction days I was a heavy Meth user. I battled with depression, suscide, and losing my children which was almost the death of me. I was down to 98 lbs and did not even know if I was going to live or die! I felt guilty, unloved, ashamed, and like I couldn’t find peace or a way out of the world I was living! 
But God has delivered me of my addictions and I have been given a chance at life and I want to show the world just how great, kind, forgiving, & loving our Lord & Savior really is! I’ve never step foot into a rehab nor have I ever attended a meeting for my addiction. I have asked God to forgive me of my sins and deliver me a clean heart! And he has! I am #175dayssober and I don’t have desire to use or go back to that life! I am happy, healthy, loving, and ALIVE! Everyday I follow the plan God has sent for me and I survive and I add another day to my life! I know #recoveryispossible and I will soon see my children again. If you are struggling with addiction of any kind and you think you can handle it you are wrong! If you think you are managing you are wrong! If you think you still love you family,friends, and especially your children the same way you are wrong! You love that addiction more than anything else while you are using and that won’t change until you MAKE THAT CHOICE TO STOP! But you can stop! I am just an ordinary woman but I want you to all see that it is possible to beat the Devil and start #beatingaddiction
Im living proof! | #mytestonmony#recovery#lifeafteraddiction#sobersoulchic#ShareStrong#rawandreal#methrecovery#pillrecovery#godwilldeliver#GodStrong#GodsPlan#heisneverlate#cleanheart

That wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be…

But that is the post that I shared on my IG (you can find the orginal post HERE) the other day. It is a collage of me in some of my worst active addiction days and then some of my best of me now.

Now, don’t get me wrong I know I have a long way to go but what I am trying to share is that there is hope for you to recover! I want you to see that I am not some person being paid on a commerical for a rehab center, I am a real person!

I have Gone from the top to deepest bottom and then come to rise above it all. These words I’m saying aren’t to sell you something or try to get you to subscribe! They are just me telling you exactly how I feel.

There are addicts right now struggling with wanting to get clean and not knowing what to do or that they can even do it because they have tried before and failed!

I did too!

But I want those people to know that there is a way out! There is a chance at life after addiction. There are steps, decisions, choices, and plans to make that will allow you to live a life full of pride, intergity, honesty, love, compassion, and so much more! Everyone is different and some will need more help but I assure you that if you WANT to stop you can do so! I want to help you and I want you to know you are not alone!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

Just a Lil Update | 07+26+19

The past few weeks have for one just flown by and for two been an emotional ride. I have cried good and bad cries, I have thought of things I normally don’t, I have seen people I have seen since I got sober, and I haven’t gotten to see people I so desperetly want to see. And this just puts a light note on everything that has been going down. I have not been able to write obvisouly but I got a new computer at work so now I can better tend to this blog like I want to.

There isn’t a way to explain my emotional status right now. I will say that I am learning more and more about myself every day and I am so thankful for that.

So whats new?

Church Camp!

Oh how it was an experwince out of this world. I have never seen so many people so passionate about God and his word. It was a beautiful things to see first hand. The music was fantastic and possibly one of my favorite parts. Of course ya’ll know I love music and this just made me want to jump to my feet and get down with it. There was 3 main speakers there and then a few others that joined them. I love all of them! However, Brother Carpenter was downright my favorite! I felt like he had a message that was sent just to me. You know I wondered why I was even going because I am so new to the church thing I wasn’t even sure I would understand a word that they were saying. But I was wrong! I heard those messages loud and clear, especially when Brother Carpenter got on the stage to deliever God’s message.

I don’t want to die I want to be a testimony!

Those words were so close to home that I keep playing them over and over in my heard over a week later. I cried so hard when the message sank in and I know that God was letting me know that he has plans for me to do something great with all that I been through and I know that I am on the path he wants me on. I hope you guys will take a look at what all happen at Church Camp. I’ll be making a post full of pictures and great detail about everything! I can’t wait to share with you all!

Trip to Alabama!

Yep! That is right! TJ and I took a week trip back to Alabama and loved every minute of it. I didn’t get to see everyone that I wanted too but we did see those closest to us, besides my Granny. The best part was getting to see TJ’s kids. They are a handful but they are so precious. KK his daughter was literally attached to me almos the entire time. And his son TK was the same way with his dad, that is until it was bed time and then he was certain he had to be snuggled up with me. I swear we played Monoply for 3 hours, jumped on the trampoline for 2 hours, and rode the 4wheeler for 9586595 hours! LOL but it was a blast. I layed them down to sleep and went outside to have the biggest cry I have had in a long time. I sat on the porch at 3am and cried and talked to God for who knows how long. His kids only live 15 minutes away from where J and Ash lived with my kids and it was really hitting home being that close to them and not be able to see them. Of course they all have moved to Florida now but it still hit home.
Anyhow, I can’t wait to share with you the beautiful and fun pictures I took of the kids. They are so precious!

School+School+School!

Whoa! I am in the 3rd week of my 2nd class and when I went to camp and then straight to my Bama trip it really messed up my grades so now I am having to make uip for that. But I am lovin my progress so far. My current class is Psychology of Play and it is ridicously fun! Should that even be when your in college? Well, it is and I have no complaints about that! I will be finishing up this class on the 5th of August and hopefuylly I can pull off a decent grade even though it took a couple hits. They sent me my brand new IPAD late last month and man oh man is that the coolest! Soon, I will be getting a MacBook Pro and for that I really cannot wait! I’ve made some pretty neat video’s and visual graphics thus so far in my classes and I’ll have to share with you more on school later!

Life+Love+Work

My everyday life is a blessed one. I can’t make many complaints because there are none to make.

FOR TJ AND I ARE 161 DAYS SOBER!!!!!!!

There isn’t any struggle for me in that department. God so far has kept the desire for that out of my mind and heart. I work in a wonderful office where I get to focus on my life and the things that are important to me, I have a cute lil apartment where TJ and Stella keep me the best company, and TJ is the funniest man I’ve ever known. I love him deeply!

I cannot tell you how blessed I am if I wrote 10000 post about it. But I am surely goig to try!

More later but that is all for now!

@chic_sober

Your right, sweet girl | 06+18+19

Okay. Just listen then…

It seems as though one of my previous post,

Caught someone’s attention & it also seems that part of my words was clearly misunderstood.

Let me clarify.

Just have a seat and listen, because honestly I didn’t even know you followed.

Not that it’s going to change anything because surely by now your learning that ME, the REAL me says what I feel like needs to be said.

Now, I know you don’t want to be me or anything like me.

Why would you want to be?

I am a recovering drug addicted, I’m depressed at times, I have procrastination issues, I have both mommy and daddy issues, I move around to much, I don’t always think things through, I’m mouthy, I’ve made some really screwed up choices, I have tendencies to piss people off because I tell them off or I tell them what they don’t want to hear. I lie sometimes, I cry sometimes,. I fight sometimes, I mistrust sometimes, I have manipulated people, I have stolen from both people and stores…

I forget to call sometimes….

I have made some really bad choices and then I have mad some other choices…..You now can see me confess them……

Okay I’ll open this up and dig a little deeper for ya…

I chose drugs over my children…

I chose a man over my children…

I chose a fast life over my children…

I chose to burry my pain and anger at myself in drugs…

I chose to sleep with my 3rd cousin

I chose to let the depression eat away at my mind and soul and helped it along by doing more drugs…

I chose to not go to court and get put into jail….

I chose to not finish & follow up with my probation…

I chose to not visit my children…

I chose to let my children down..

I chose to break another promise to my children…

I chose to move away from my chldren….

I chose to leave my children behind….

I chose to not fight for my children….

Are we getting better? Does it feel good to see me say ALL THAT for the world wide web? Well, let me just claifiy for you….

On February 17th, 2019 I decided that I no longer was going to make all the stupid and irrational choices anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore and sine then I have been living a life that I can be proud of. Part of that life comes with OWNING up to my mistakes, my choices, and my actions.

I’m not scared sweet girl…

I am fully armed and ready for what comes my way because for once in my life I am living a life with and for God first and foremost. Secondly, I am making a life that is secure and stable for my children and I make no choice in my life that I do NOT think of my children first.

I have began a life where I know that one day someone will want to be like me because I am worth that…

So you see, I made those choices and I stand up to them. However, for some there is a part two…so read this…..

I chose drugs over my children…

Before I even realized it was happening I was addicted to pain pills & then to Meth and once it had its hold on me I didn’t have much of a choice of what I would choose other than Meth….

I chose a man over my children…

Being consumed with so much loss and drug addiction I chose him over them…

I chose a fast life over my children…

Losing my children, being consumed with both depression and drug addiction, and giving up I threw myself into the fastest lifestyle I could find….

I chose to bury my pain and anger at myself in drugs…

In the moments of reality when I would realized what I had lost and what I had done I was not ready to accept the responsibility for it so I would just turn around and bury myself right back into the drugs and chaos..

I chose to sleep with my 3rd cousin…

You can look down on me all you want to and in some ways I know its not entirely acceptable but it’s not as taboo as you might think. I don’t know how it happen, I don’t understand it either, but I do know that it is not illegal and by law can be married…..

I chose to let the depression eat away at my mind and soul and helped it along by doing more drugs…

Depression is something I didn’t realize could get out of such control. Add it with drug addiction and its almost unstoppable….

I chose to not go to court and get put into jail….

I got put into jail for something that wasn’t entirely my fault. Then I got out and didn’t go to court that was my fault.

I chose to not finish & follow up with my probation…

Now, this is where we need to get an understanding of what is currently going on, because sweet girl you do not have a clue! I did chose to not follow my probation and that is wrong and punishable by jail time. I didn’t just run out on it to be wild and free. I left because if I didn’t I was going to end up dead from drugs or something in the mix. I CHOSE TO GET SOBER AND CLEAN AND LIVE A LIFE WORTH LIVING and I couldn’t do that in Madison County.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to not visit my children…

True. However, I was high and I would have rather them not seen me like that again.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to let my children down..

By not showing up and it broke my heart into pieces because I know it broke theirs too. But I was getting high and they didn’t need to see me like that anymore.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to break another promise to my children…

I promised them I wouldn’t leave them and I did. I broke that promise and many more. I relive them every day that I am not with them.

UNDERSTAND THAT!

I chose to move away from my children….

If I didn’t then I would NEVER be able to show them a mother to be proud of! I would have ended up dead! I had to move to save my own life!

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to leave my children behind….

I couldn’t fight for them with water beneath my feet. Leaving them behind was something that had to be done. I was drowning in fact. I have you to know that leaving them behind was a choice I made to better myself for them not one made because I am being selfish or do not care.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to not fight for my children….

At the point of me getting out of jail because I was not ready nor able to be strong enough. But that has changed and I am living the kind of life that everyone has always said I never would or could. I am living and making the right choices. I didn’t fight for them then because it wasn’t time to. But times have changed now.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE


So you see I can and will make the right choices for myself and my children. I can and am becoming someone that it isn’t so bad to be like.

You don’t want to be me and I’m thankful for that, because there isn’t room for two. I am so much better than I was and becoming someone I have never been.

And I won’t apologize for that.

Send your text message and your threats but understand that who I was before? Is someone who didn’t always think things through and was afraid of life on her own.

I am no longer that girl, I am a whole nother woman.

You told me I should be scared of you; your highly mistaken!

See the difference between you and I?

I know what it feels like to lose everything you have ever held close to you, I have been homeless, terrified for my life, consumed by something deeper and darker than normal daily struggles, lived life with out the exact beings in my life that i always said i couldn’t live without, I have lived for 3 years in my own personal hell and then I have walked straight out of that hell on my own!

You have not been where I have been, gone through what I have gone through, made the choices i have made, been the person i have been, or become that woman I am today and will be in the future.

YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE ME NOR WILL YOU EVER BE!

So you are right on that one , sweet girl.

But you are wrong on another;

I should not be scared of you. You should be scared of me. Because another difference is

THOSE ARE MY CHILDREN NOT YOURS AND WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. YOU WON’T HAVE A QUARTER OF THE FIGHT FOR THEM IN YOU LIKE I DO ME.

Don’t underestimate the woman “who just donates her overies”

See you soon enough.

As always,

I’ll be praying for you.

Sending my love thoughts, and prayers to you, J, and the kids.

Until next time

Chic_Sober

Rant | 06+05+19

For everything inside of me I am struggling the past few days. All I want to do is hold or see my beautuiful babies! Sometimes I find myself in a mid-day frantic because I start to think what if they are forgetting about me?

You know so many people has judge me during this time in my life. All they see though is that one day I was a super-fantastic mom and then

booooooommmmmmmmm!

I’m not a mother anymore because j got custody!

And they think that I just let it happen. That I wanted it that way? Are they insane! Something deeper and much darker was consuming me and I couldn’t fucking stop it! I didn’t just stop wanting or loving them.

I was Freaking sick!

And it was so damm hard to control!

I didn’t know how to deal! I didn’t know that it was going to ruin me and ruin their lives too!

I tried so hard to control it.

Tried to let go.

Tried to hold on.

I freaking failed!

And now he just keeps them away from me! I don’t get no say in my place in thier life?

I get to be erased?

I get to be discontinued?

I get to be forgotten?

they are my children too!!!!!!!!!!

Why does he have to act like he just so damm perfect! Like he knows EVERYTHING! And that he is all that is grand and holy for our children!

Because he has a new wife that PRETENDS SHE IS ME!

I MATTER TO THEM TOO!!!!

I know I made mistakes and bad choices but that does not make me a bad person or a bad mom! No one will ever be able to change that I am thier mother, no matter how much they might want too!

No, one can say that I didn’t love them! Because I did and I do!

I told Judge Hall that I thought they would be better at J & Ash’s place because I knew I couldn’t care for them to the best of my ability at that time!

can you imagine how hard that was for me!?

From front to back:
Jaylynn
Me
Alyssa
Haylie
Zacary

The hardest moment ever in my life! I try to message him! I try to call him! I try to show him that I am doing well and that I am no longer sick and that I can be consistent and steady and sober and live right! But he won’t even answer the damn phone or text message!

I miss the smell of thier childlike skin, the crooked turn in Zacary’s smiles, the goofiness of Haylie’s laugh, the angel like sweetness of Alyssa’s hugs, & the hold of Jaylynn’s hand in mine! I miss the laughs, the …..

I can’t write anymore..

Until next time

Chic_Sober