My beautiful wordpress lovies! You have been on my mind so much. I must tell you that I absouletly love the new Blog Home I have moved to. However, I do miss all the wonderful goodness of my fellow bloggers that is only offered right here at wordpress!

This is the place where it began for me and I loved all the different comments and opinions and stories to share! I must admit I am kinda lonely in the new Blog Home! I decided to come here today so that I can go through and subscribe to you all by email! This way I won’t miss anything and I can easy keep in touch with you all.

https://www.asobersoul.com/

I would love to have you all come over! Also, you can keep up with what I’m up too on

Instagram

Twitter

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Pinterest

Until next time,

@Chic_Sober

28 Questions Q14 | 06+06+19

Q14: What would your younger self be proud of you for today?

A14: How I have managed to overcome the obstacles I have and

I have been through a lot. Then again everyone says that right? I imagine that no one has had the perfect life without struggles or heartaches. However, in my own personal life I know my younger self would be proud of me today. What I have been through in the past 7-10 years is beyond words.

I was one to never believe I would struggle with addictions, depression, or who I was deep down in my soul. When Zacary and Haylie were just lil babies I was certain I would do everything the way I was supposed to without real struggle at all. I mean I knew my marriage was on the rocks because J was always messing around. However, I loved him with all of my heart and soul and thought I would be able to become the woman he needed me to be and things would be fine. Of course I was wrong and as I got older I slowly realized I would be enough and later he wouldn’t be enough for me any longer either.

Single mom of 4 come the time of our divorce and followed up with depression to pair with a nasty pain pill addiction just leaded me to the final two disaster of my life: METH & LOSING MY CHILDREN.

Falling into my “Devil Days” {THIS IS WHAT I CALL MY DAYS OF USING METH}

Made my depression worse and where I was normally fairly in control of my emotions, choices, mind, body & soul, I lost all control once the Devil Days began. There was not a soul on the face of this earth that could save me; not even my children.

It took God to save me.

I have said before that I’ve never been a religious person but God is the one who pulled me out. TJ helped me to stop but I remember prayer after prayer after prayer in the months before asking God to help me stop or take me out of this world because I couldn’t stand it anymore.

And he delivered!

I am now over 160 days sober and my soul is rebuilding itself to who she needs to be. Everyday I get up and I am excited for my life. I have goals, determination, dreams, willingness to live, wants, laughs, smiles, and so much more.

The Devil Days took those from me and now God has given them back. Of course I am without my children and because of that I am not whole yet. But I know I will one day.

My younger self would look at me and see someone who knows how to survive in the worst moments of life, who knows what it is like to be homeless and hungry, someone that is not taking for granted that she is alive today. She would see strength in her eyes and gentleness in her heart. She would see a smile that, although is genuine, also holds a thousand tears. Younger me would find the determination I show inspiring and remarkable. She would see that the woman I am now is strong, loving, funny, kind, truthful, and a lover of God.

She would be proud of me because she would know that the person I used to be even before my Devil Days, isn’t even half of who I am becoming today.

She would say “No matter what the haters say about you, never forget they have not walked in your shoes. Don’t allow their desire to see you fall weaken your determination to be great. And look at yourself every morning when you start your day and say I am in love with my life and I am in love with myself and I am better than I ever was before. And it is OK to be happy….I am proud of you!”

That is all for now!

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q12 | 06+04+19

Q12: What things make you feel happy to be alive?

A12: My children, laughing, photography, and being outdoors

I know that they are not physically with me but my children are always here with me in mind and heart. For the last few years I have tried to block out the emotions of being without them because I didn’t want to accept my responsibility in the that. But I am able to do so now. I feel those emotions and they remind me why I’m here.

Laughing is something I didn’t do for the longest time to. But now I am able to. I need to be able to laugh so that I can heal and continue to live a healthy life. Laughing always makes us feel alive. People should focus on that more than they do the negatives and I’m sure their lives would be so much more fulfilled.

Photography has always been a stress reliever for me. Something happens when I put that camera in my hands. It’s like I am transported to another place. It makes me feel alive & happy

Sample of my photography work

Being outdoors hasn’t always been my thing. But over the years I have grown to love hiking, trial walking, and just sitting outside. The beautiful scenery and open sky and sounds of nature just give you a whole new meaning of peace.

Well, that is all for now..

Until next time.

chic_sober

28 Questions Q2 | 5+25+19

Q2: What is a limiting belief that you have about yourself that you can let go?

A2: that i need someone to lead me or to survive in life!

That is NEED someone to lead me or survive! This has been a problem for me almost my whole life and I really don’t even know why because I have survived on my own many time. As a child I had to take care of myself from time to time because it was just my mother & I. She would be working, off on drunk or drug spree, or just simply not around. I learned early how to cook for myself, clean, be by myself & much more by the age of 10/12 years old. Then once I got married to J he was mostly deployed for months at a time and I was at home with the kids doing the day to day life alone as well. This is where I picked up my strong ability to care for our children. And since I’ve gotten divorced I have had parts of life where I have survived on my own but panicked thinking I couldn’t.

Chaotic Candance

I’ve showed myself that I am able. That I can make it on my own or with someone beside me. Throughout my entire life. But still to this very day I feel a sense of dependency. Why? I can’t tell you. Maybe, it has something to do with me having this huge need to feel NEEDED? Could that be? Have you ever felt like you wanted/needed to be needed so bad that you actually thought you NEEDED someone else instead? Crazy way to think of things but I honestly feel like that’s it.

This belief in myself limits me from time to time I know. I hope that being truly on my own will conquer that and give me a sense of freedom from myself. Because I can survive life without anyone. I want to be needed but not always in life will I be able to be fulfilled on this. I know this now and I can maybe move past it.

What about you? Please feel free to share with me. I’d love to know

+Chaotic Candance.

28 Questions Q1 | 5+24+19

I think we all forget to remind ourselves sometimes that we are good & beautiful. So for the lack there of I decided to answer 28 Questions that are related to me, myself, & I.

I found this idea on Pintrest and think it’s going to really open up my mind to see that I have come a long way and that I am still a good person even though I have made some really bad choices. I hope maybe you will enjoy getting to know me a little better too. These answer’s may be short and then again they may be long, but guarantee they will be a reflection of me and honest!

Q1: What is your biggest struggle with loving yourself?

A1: Its’ not that I don’t love myself, because I do. But there are many different parts of me that I don’t feel secure about. I have messed up so drastically in the recent years that I feel like I am so very much imperfect. Physically I love myself. I consider myself attractive & a beautiful person. Internally I am a good person but I have just made so many wrong choices and this makes it a bit harder to really say that I love myself. Now, I am starting to love myself again so that is progress. I can look in the mirror now and be content with the woman staring back at me. I can look at her and know that she is taking steps every day to be a better person than she used to be. I just still have many things to make up for before I can really love myself. I am my biggest struggle. Because I can’t love myself until I have corrected the wrongs for losing who I was before the drugs and bullshit life I was living that caused me to lose my children. I am making hella progress but I’m not fully there yet.

Push, Push, Push|5+22+19

Today my friends is a bit harder than some. You see, most day’s I can control my emotions. I don’t allow them to control me or overwhelm me because once I do I know I am subject to a setback. I am making progress though because today I have let myself run with my emotions but not set back too much.

Emotionally I’m screwed up today.

I’ve felt lonely. I’ve cried without immediate reason. I’ve thought to much on what I don’t have. Tears, frustration, anger,doubt, & sadness has overfilled me today.

This is the shit I don’t like!

Because understand what I am saying when I feel these emotions. I hit my knee’s out of nowhere because I can’t breath from crying. I feel a tightening in my chest because I literally become aware of my children absence in my life both physically and emotionally. I get snappy with someone I love because I am frustrated that I am not already at the point of being able to see or talk to the kids. I tell myself over and over out loud how STUPID I was messing up our lives over drugs and insane chaos. I feel a pressing cloud of anxiety because I start to doubt myself and where I can go and what I can achieve because the emotions are consuming me. I can’t even look at a picture of them and be happy. Because sadness has taken over me completely. THEY are my happiness but on days like today I am so aware that my happiness is NOWHERE near me or my life and I can’t take it.

I just need these emotions to pass! I am almost 100 days sober! I have a good job, a place of my own, a truck of my own, money in my bank account, my health, someone who loves me and supports me, family that is there for me every step of the way, & a God above that has blessed me, especially here lately.

Life is coming together.

Life is progressing along .

Life isn’t being completely unfair to me.

Life is  worth living again.

Life is moving in the direction I need it to so that I can be a great mom to my kids.

Life is recovering for me.

These are my reminders that I can and HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THESE EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT TIMES!

I have to keep moving forward to make it back to my children. I can’t be broken and half dazed. No, I have to be completely healed and rejuvenated when I see them next.

So that’s why I come here and I share. Because somehow me writing these words help me by the time I hit publish. I don’t know why but I have to come here and push, push,push these buttons so that I can figure out a way and why I have to push, push, push through life!

That is all for now

+Chaotic Candance

Me feeling millions of emotions!

Chaotic Candance
Feeling the emotions