Devine Understanding|08+12+19

The most recent picture I have of them
From left to right
Jaylynn | 7
Alyssa | 9
Zacary | 13
Haylie | 12

I love you and I miss you all so very much…..

This isn’t something I find myself doing a lot of here lately. Talking about my children. It is not because I don’t care or miss them, but in fact it is the opposite; its painfully hard to talk about them most days. But that is something that with lots of prayer I am going to change.

For me since getting sober there has been stages of consciousness of realization!

Stage 1 | Guilt overload

This stage is when I was fresh off the dope and my mind and body was still affected by the drugs and all I could do was either 1. feel sorry for myself or 2. feel an extreme amount of guilt for what I had done and how I lost custody of my kids. During this stage all I couldn’t speak thier name or look at a picture or hear a story about them because if I did all I would do is cry, get angry, or want to get high to forget! So I didn’t talk, let anyone talk, or look at thier pictures! I was in this stage for about 2 months or so.

Stage 2 | Acceptance and/or Acknowledgement

During this stage I began to come back to myself. I started to allow myself to feel things without getting overwhelmed. I didn’t let myself get angry or feel so much guilt because I knew I was on the right track. By the this point I started downloading all the pictures I could find of them and saved them to my screensaver and lockscreen. I was super emotional about the fact that I was missing out on a lot of things! All I wanted to do was consume myself in everything that dealt with my kids. I however, also accepted that I had made choices that now keep me away from them and the only way top fix that was to continue to stay clean and find a better life for myself. I was in this stage for about 1 n half months or so.

Stage 3 | Emotional Desire

This was the hardest stage for me since getting my act together. I found myself constantly asking God why I was ever given my children if he was going to keep me from them. I wanted them in my life now, I wanted to talk to them now, and I didn’t want to wait to share my good news with them for later; I wanted to share it now. Mentally I knew that I wasn’t ready to have them back because I still had things to work on but emotionally that didn’t matter! Emotionally all I wanted to do was be in thier presence, touch and hold them, hear thier voices. I was really worried about myself during this stage but I managed to make it through. I found video’s of my kids and listened and watched them over and over and over again. I creid so much! I laughed! I showed those video’s to whoever was around me about 10000 times! I gave myself the best possible medicine for being without them: hearing thier voices! I was in this stage for 3 months or so and it about killed me.

Stage 4 | Devine Understanding

And this is where I am at now with my children. I have a new Devine Understanding about the kids being in my life. This is been hard on me to really find some kind of peace. There has been days that I didn’t get out of bed until my Pastor’s wife came and dragged me out herself. Most this the stage where I learned! I have began my walk with God (getting Baptized and recieveing the Holy Ghost) and what he has taught me has forever changed my life. I can finally fine some peace in my heart about them. I have been in church crying my biggest cry to God, I have had people praying with me without knowing what I am praying for, I have had an extreme amount of spirit be put through my body and I know that God has been planning this all along. He has given me his Devine Understanding about me as a mother and them as my children. God, has showed me that he needs me to be ready to recieve them back into my life. He needs me to be financially, mentally, emotionally, physchally, & substancially ready to have them back. I am not fully there yet but when I am is when he will bring them back into my life. He needed me to be this person with this kind of devotion and dedication in me to truly love and serve him as I should. I know what he is asking of me and I will prove that I am true in my walk with him. I thank God for the blessings he has given me. This stage will be my final stage until they are with me again!


With all that being said, I miss them and wish that J would just answer the phone or video calls and let me talk to them even once a week. I know I did a lot wrong but I am thier mother and regardless one day they will see me again. I know J and Ash are taking great care of them but do they really love them if they keep me out? I can understand if I am using or acting a fool, but I am not that person anymore and they won’t even give me a chance to show them otherwise! Do they not understand that we are all human and make mistakes? Either way I continue to pray for them.

I do believe its time I share my letters to my kids on here. I wrote each of my kids a letter a few weeks back and wasn’t going to share them but I need to!

Mama loves you guys!

That is all for now.

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q27 | 06+19+19

Q27: What choices are you are making right now that your future self will thank you for later?

A27: Staying sober, church, job, stability, & living life!

I have said this before but all the choices I am making today are for myself and my children! I want to give them a life and a mom that they can be proud of. For 3 long years I was making choices and even before that I was making choices that myself now kicks my own butt for. But now I am making choices that 3 years from now I know I will proud of myself for!

I choose to stay sober every day and life is so much better!

I choose to walk through this life with God and that is so much better!

I choose to work and keep a job and that is so much better!

I choose to stay where I am instead of run and move around and that is so much better!

I am living life instead of giving up and that is so much better!

I am doing everything I can to get back to my kids and live a good life the way God wants me to and I know that I will thank myself later!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q23 | 06+15+19

Q23: What does your support system look like? How can you make it stronger?

A23: Like the Endless Sea!

Oh, I have been waiting to answer this question because it brings me great joy to talk about my support system or what I like to call them my “Encouraging Warriors! Because without them I would no be where I am today. Each ecncouraging warrior of mine help me in different ways. They each do something that the others cannot do because they’re different.

I love all of them very much.

I say that it looks like the endless sea because they are strong like the ravious waves, beautiful as the deep blue water, and endless in thier ways they offer me support.

I imagine it could only get better if God sends someone else my way to add to them.

God. He has brought me out of the darkness and fills my life with beautiful things. Not material things but things such as hope, smiles, children, love, friendship, trust, grace, mercy, forgivness, the Holy Ghost, worship, and so much more! I cannot do this without him in my life!

TJ is the solid steadfast foundation that I stand on. He catches my every fall, wipes my tears, takes my bad days like a rockstart, and reminds me that I doing great everyday. Having a relationship while USING together is detromental to your relationship. Being able to hold your relationship together AFTER your drugs use is RARE! We used together and now we are sober together. This is something that normally doesn’t happen but then again he and I have never been normal! TJ is the one person that even when I am mad at him and the world can still make me laugh til I cry. There are days that I am so down right rotten to him because I am dealing with emotions and the devil on my back and he simply tries to make it better or talk me through it. He doesn’t get mad at me or tell me I need to leave or that he wants to leave. He just sits there and lets me say or have whatever attitude I have with him until its’ over and I apolozie because I know I have been a complete arse! I love him for this and so many other things. He is my best friend. He is my rock. I love him!

Sister J at first I thought didn’t like me at all and I was sure she judged me because my mother is my mother and that just pissed me off. But in the past few months I have learned very different. She is funny and knownledge in all that matters: a life walking hand in hand with God. She gives me that motherly advice and sometimes when I really need it she will hold me while I cry. I don’t have to lie about the things I have done because I feel like I can really talk to her. Just the other day I left from work and about half way home I was crying a hard, soulful, loud cry and talking to God. I felt like my head was going to explode and then before I knew it I was at her & Brother J’s door asking if she was still home. I walked in and she just opened her arms and we stood there crying and praying and when I finally felt like I could breath she talked me through one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. I literally felt a since of reliefe as she prayed for me; she is a true prayer warrior and when she prays God hears her words. I left feeling better. Then the next day I came home and crashed out because the darkness of depression wanted to creep in on me and yet again she rescued me by dragging my tale out of bed and telling me I needed to come to church! I didn’t want to but I did and I was glad too because I felt once again a feeling of reliefe when it was all over. She is truly a wonderful person. Who is also pretty funny and kinda sassy at times! But most of all she is a person that I look up too in many ways!

Brother J I cannot explain in words what kind of man he is! Kind, caring, understanding, and generious beyond words. He is a Pastor and a man that truly lives for God. Like his wife Sister J, he doesn’t judge me and hold my past against me. He simply does his best to show me how to live my life better and how to walk with God. You know TJ and I never actually asked him to live in the home he first put us in, we never asked for the jobs he gave us, or for the car he bought for us. He simply gave us jobs so that we can work and have money to pay him for our car and have things for ourselves. Him and his wife has just opened thier lives for us and given us the chance to save ourselves and be someone. Brother J carries with him at all times a comfort that is instantly given out to those when he walks into a room. His guidence and words of wisdom all come from God and a life of expereince. He has helped give me and TJ a chance at living life and having something one day. He knows our story and where we were 6 months ago but he still pushes us to do better and believe in ourselves. Every time I talk to him or see him I learn something new from him and I know that it is something I will need to know in the future. He carries so much on him I imagine and you cannot tell because he doesn’t allow it. His messages from God and being a man who wants to help others are clear to see when he is around. I cannot think of a better man than him! Not to mention he is a really funny guy too!

Those are the 3 main people I have in my life that are my support team!

Of course there are the 5 lil ones here with me and 2 lil ones not here with me that make my heart full of joy and love every time I see them. They may not be mine but they are loved by me deeply and I care about them. It is because of these very 7 children that I am able to smile most days. Thank you for sharing them with me!

There are others that help so much too Christy & her husband James, Christine & her husband Stephen, and even Brother & Sister J’s son Johnboy! And a few others that in thier own way show me that I don’t want to do drugs anymore and be the person I once was! They all help keep me sane and full of hope, love, and desire to do better. Each one doing something different and supporting me in a way that cannot be replaced by another.

They have become my family! And I will forever be grateful!

I love you all so very much!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q21 | 06+13+19

Q21: What is something you’re working on believing you deserve?

A21: My children

I messed up!

My life as a mother was always something that came easy for me. I never struggled with getting them to listen, eat, changing diapers, bedtime, play time, or any of the late up all night never get any sleep, kind of struggles.

I enjoyed every moment of being a mother and it always came easy for me. I loved spending time with my kids, I loved teaching my kids, I loved making them smile, I loved everything about being a mom. There wasn’t a better life for me. I never said “What would my life be like without them” because I never wanted to know what life would be like without them. I just knew I would always have them.

I took it granted and then…

It happened.

I realized I was waking up and going to sleep without them and then before I kenw it I was always awake with out them because I was always high and never sleeping. That is a 24 hour around the clock sometimes more always thinking of thier absense kind of thing. How did I let it get that way so fast.

Anyhow, I’m getting side tracked. The answer is not all that happened, but what or how I am working on believing that I deserve them again. I know that they deserve the best possible life I can give them. Stability, honesty, love, teachings, education, homestead, a walk in life with God, and a mother who is no longer sick nor neglegent of not only herself but her children as well.

So I messed up and started to believe that Jon deserved them more than I do because he doesn’t battle with addiction, lives with stability, and all the finer things that comes along with not struggling in life. He provides for them and does a fantastic job at doing so.

I have not always done the best at those things but I am changing that . I am setting my roots, keeping a job, saving money, going to church, establishing life where I am loved, respected, and honorable. I feel that as each days passes without my kids since Feburary 17, 2019 I am another day closer and a million steps closer to deserving my kids in my life. I know I have a bit more to go but I am doing what I need and so deeply want to do for them and for myself and for God.

I am starting to believe in myself again.

That is all for now

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q5 | 5+28+19

Q5: What is something you need to start saying YES to?

A5: Going to church more!

I don’t go to church nearly enough! It simply was not something my mother and I did growing up. So it’s a bit more difficult implement into my life as an adult. However, TJ & I went just this pass Sunday and let me tell you it was emotional. By the end of the service we were both in tears and I know now that I want and will be going back again. Over the past year I have gotten a closer relationship with my God and I definitely need to exercise that in all parts of my life. I know that God provides for us and we need to shower ourselves in his love so that we can see the true joy he will give us. So from here on out I want to make sure that I start saying YES when my uncle ask me to come to his service.

Yes my Uncle Lez is a Preacher and a funny one at that! I don’t want to offend anyone who follows my blog by speaking about religion so at this point if you’d rather not continue reading I understand but I want to share with you a FB live video of one of his services.

+CC

Push, Push, Push|5+22+19

Today my friends is a bit harder than some. You see, most day’s I can control my emotions. I don’t allow them to control me or overwhelm me because once I do I know I am subject to a setback. I am making progress though because today I have let myself run with my emotions but not set back too much.

Emotionally I’m screwed up today.

I’ve felt lonely. I’ve cried without immediate reason. I’ve thought to much on what I don’t have. Tears, frustration, anger,doubt, & sadness has overfilled me today.

This is the shit I don’t like!

Because understand what I am saying when I feel these emotions. I hit my knee’s out of nowhere because I can’t breath from crying. I feel a tightening in my chest because I literally become aware of my children absence in my life both physically and emotionally. I get snappy with someone I love because I am frustrated that I am not already at the point of being able to see or talk to the kids. I tell myself over and over out loud how STUPID I was messing up our lives over drugs and insane chaos. I feel a pressing cloud of anxiety because I start to doubt myself and where I can go and what I can achieve because the emotions are consuming me. I can’t even look at a picture of them and be happy. Because sadness has taken over me completely. THEY are my happiness but on days like today I am so aware that my happiness is NOWHERE near me or my life and I can’t take it.

I just need these emotions to pass! I am almost 100 days sober! I have a good job, a place of my own, a truck of my own, money in my bank account, my health, someone who loves me and supports me, family that is there for me every step of the way, & a God above that has blessed me, especially here lately.

Life is coming together.

Life is progressing along .

Life isn’t being completely unfair to me.

Life isΒ  worth living again.

Life is moving in the direction I need it to so that I can be a great mom to my kids.

Life is recovering for me.

These are my reminders that I can and HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THESE EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT TIMES!

I have to keep moving forward to make it back to my children. I can’t be broken and half dazed. No, I have to be completely healed and rejuvenated when I see them next.

So that’s why I come here and I share. Because somehow me writing these words help me by the time I hit publish. I don’t know why but I have to come here and push, push,push these buttons so that I can figure out a way and why I have to push, push, push through life!

That is all for now

+Chaotic Candance

Me feeling millions of emotions!

Chaotic Candance
Feeling the emotions

 

I AM | 05+05+19

Whoa! How is everyone? Life is moving super fast! I’m so incredibly grateful for my life as it stands right now. There are hardships for sure but overall I’m doing well.

I just have time to post a quicky here πŸ˜‹

I cant let myself get too distracted from posting. It means too much to me. I love WP! πŸ€“

So here’s the DL!

I am clean

I am healthy

I am focused

I am working

I am making good choices

I am not being controlled by drugs

I am not so angry

I am happier

I am working to being who my children need me to be

I am MOVING INTO MY OWN PLACE!

I am in a healthy loving relationship

I am more like ME

I am healing

I am living right

I am thankful

I am grateful

I am able

I am reliable

I am honest

I am trustworthy

I am learning

I am so much better than I was!!

So there ya go! Everything I am..that I can think of right now!

+CC

A Little Bit Closer | 4+16+19

Hello all! I do hope your doing good and had a wonderfully safe weekend! For me it was long & eventful. But I have good news updates and some very exciting things to share.

Last week, I landed myself a JOB! After weeks of countless applications & interviews I was hired on at the wonderful Summerplace Inn Destin! It is a beautiful 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 hotel and I’ll be working at the front desk. My pay is great and I’ll be able to move up quickly. Not to mention the cruise they send their employees on! Anyhow, I start TODAY! I’m super excited. My boss Jen is the sweetest!

Yours truly at my interview!

I’m proud to say that TJ got himself a fan-friggin-tastic JOB too! He’s going into his 2nd full week now. Lucky guy gets to waterproof buildings right on the beach! Congrats babes I’m so proud of you. πŸ’ž The weekend was long. Sunday April 14th was my baby brothers birthday! He turned 30! Happy Birthday Matty! Also, Sunday was my youngest daughters birthday! She turned 7! Happy birthday Jaylynn Taylor! I love you Pookie! It was to no avail to even try and wish her a good birthday. J wouldn’t answer my text or my phone call but I did leave a VM solely to Pookie. Now, Alyssa is next. Hers is on the 25th of this month. She will be 9!

You know this shit is hard to do sober! But I do and that is what keeps me going. I have found strength in my weakness you guys! I have decided to start doing some video’s! Just me and the camera and my thoughts. I’m still going to write but this way I can talk to my kids too! Anyhow, I’m super nervous to share the 1st 2 video’s but I’m gonna! I didn’t edit them (im still learning) and I am definitely just raw AF in it! Now, you can get a Lil bit closer to me! I hope you’ll watch them, comment, subscribe & as always share!

Video 1

Video 2

https://youtu.be/eTqaLGx_RLs

Well, guys thats it for now

+ChaoticCandance

God’s Land| 3+28+19

God has his ways of reminding us things will be ok. I was standing in this field and the view touched me to my soul.

At one time in my life photography was a passion of mine. And day by day ots coming back to me. I wanted to share with you a view of where I am. And how Gods Land looks.

I’m visiting my Dad…

Steve. He and my mom split a long time ago but he has always been my dad. Years and messed up circumstances kept him from being around but we have reconnected and I’m so happy to have him in my life again. He is wonderful. Even though he doesn’t have to he is helping me and TJ in so many ways. God led us here bec2he knew we needed this in our life.

I’m grateful.

My mom Cj has a lot ti do with this too. Our relationship is complicated too but she is my mom and I’m thankful for all she is doing too.

I’m thankful.

TJ. He is working hard and I can see him growing and changing. Every day he gets more and more level headed. The boy is growing into the man I’ve been telling him was inside him. I’m so proud of him.

I’m proud.

When I wake up every morning and know I’m making the choices I am for my children, I know I’m doing what God wants me too. I’m choosing LIFE. I’m believing in myself again.

I’m believing.

These are things and people helping me to find me. God has showed me this. I’m in love with my life finally and its because I’m growing day by day.

So here is what I see….. Hope you enjoy!

+Chaotic Candance