Q21: What is something you’re working on believing you deserve?
A21: My children
I messed up!
My life as a mother was always something that came easy for me. I never struggled with getting them to listen, eat, changing diapers, bedtime, play time, or any of the late up all night never get any sleep, kind of struggles.
I enjoyed every moment of being a mother and it always came easy for me. I loved spending time with my kids, I loved teaching my kids, I loved making them smile, I loved everything about being a mom. There wasn’t a better life for me. I never said “What would my life be like without them” because I never wanted to know what life would be like without them. I just knew I would always have them.
I took it granted and then…
I realized I was waking up and going to sleep without them and then before I kenw it I was always awake with out them because I was always high and never sleeping. That is a 24 hour around the clock sometimes more always thinking of thier absense kind of thing. How did I let it get that way so fast.
Anyhow, I’m getting side tracked. The answer is not all that happened, but what or how I am working on believing that I deserve them again. I know that they deserve the best possible life I can give them. Stability, honesty, love, teachings, education, homestead, a walk in life with God, and a mother who is no longer sick nor neglegent of not only herself but her children as well.
So I messed up and started to believe that Jon deserved them more than I do because he doesn’t battle with addiction, lives with stability, and all the finer things that comes along with not struggling in life. He provides for them and does a fantastic job at doing so.
I have not always done the best at those things but I am changing that . I am setting my roots, keeping a job, saving money, going to church, establishing life where I am loved, respected, and honorable. I feel that as each days passes without my kids since Feburary 17, 2019 I am another day closer and a million steps closer to deserving my kids in my life. I know I have a bit more to go but I am doing what I need and so deeply want to do for them and for myself and for God.
I am starting to believe in myself again.
That is all for now