I love you and I miss you all so very much…..
This isn’t something I find myself doing a lot of here lately. Talking about my children. It is not because I don’t care or miss them, but in fact it is the opposite; its painfully hard to talk about them most days. But that is something that with lots of prayer I am going to change.
For me since getting sober there has been stages of consciousness of realization!
Stage 1 | Guilt overload
This stage is when I was fresh off the dope and my mind and body was still affected by the drugs and all I could do was either 1. feel sorry for myself or 2. feel an extreme amount of guilt for what I had done and how I lost custody of my kids. During this stage all I couldn’t speak thier name or look at a picture or hear a story about them because if I did all I would do is cry, get angry, or want to get high to forget! So I didn’t talk, let anyone talk, or look at thier pictures! I was in this stage for about 2 months or so.
Stage 2 | Acceptance and/or Acknowledgement
During this stage I began to come back to myself. I started to allow myself to feel things without getting overwhelmed. I didn’t let myself get angry or feel so much guilt because I knew I was on the right track. By the this point I started downloading all the pictures I could find of them and saved them to my screensaver and lockscreen. I was super emotional about the fact that I was missing out on a lot of things! All I wanted to do was consume myself in everything that dealt with my kids. I however, also accepted that I had made choices that now keep me away from them and the only way top fix that was to continue to stay clean and find a better life for myself. I was in this stage for about 1 n half months or so.
Stage 3 | Emotional Desire
This was the hardest stage for me since getting my act together. I found myself constantly asking God why I was ever given my children if he was going to keep me from them. I wanted them in my life now, I wanted to talk to them now, and I didn’t want to wait to share my good news with them for later; I wanted to share it now. Mentally I knew that I wasn’t ready to have them back because I still had things to work on but emotionally that didn’t matter! Emotionally all I wanted to do was be in thier presence, touch and hold them, hear thier voices. I was really worried about myself during this stage but I managed to make it through. I found video’s of my kids and listened and watched them over and over and over again. I creid so much! I laughed! I showed those video’s to whoever was around me about 10000 times! I gave myself the best possible medicine for being without them: hearing thier voices! I was in this stage for 3 months or so and it about killed me.
Stage 4 | Devine Understanding
And this is where I am at now with my children. I have a new Devine Understanding about the kids being in my life. This is been hard on me to really find some kind of peace. There has been days that I didn’t get out of bed until my Pastor’s wife came and dragged me out herself. Most this the stage where I learned! I have began my walk with God (getting Baptized and recieveing the Holy Ghost) and what he has taught me has forever changed my life. I can finally fine some peace in my heart about them. I have been in church crying my biggest cry to God, I have had people praying with me without knowing what I am praying for, I have had an extreme amount of spirit be put through my body and I know that God has been planning this all along. He has given me his Devine Understanding about me as a mother and them as my children. God, has showed me that he needs me to be ready to recieve them back into my life. He needs me to be financially, mentally, emotionally, physchally, & substancially ready to have them back. I am not fully there yet but when I am is when he will bring them back into my life. He needed me to be this person with this kind of devotion and dedication in me to truly love and serve him as I should. I know what he is asking of me and I will prove that I am true in my walk with him. I thank God for the blessings he has given me. This stage will be my final stage until they are with me again!
With all that being said, I miss them and wish that J would just answer the phone or video calls and let me talk to them even once a week. I know I did a lot wrong but I am thier mother and regardless one day they will see me again. I know J and Ash are taking great care of them but do they really love them if they keep me out? I can understand if I am using or acting a fool, but I am not that person anymore and they won’t even give me a chance to show them otherwise! Do they not understand that we are all human and make mistakes? Either way I continue to pray for them.
I do believe its time I share my letters to my kids on here. I wrote each of my kids a letter a few weeks back and wasn’t going to share them but I need to!
Mama loves you guys!
That is all for now.