Your right, sweet girl | 06+18+19

Okay. Just listen then…

It seems as though one of my previous post,

Caught someone’s attention & it also seems that part of my words was clearly misunderstood.

Let me clarify.

Just have a seat and listen, because honestly I didn’t even know you followed.

Not that it’s going to change anything because surely by now your learning that ME, the REAL me says what I feel like needs to be said.

Now, I know you don’t want to be me or anything like me.

Why would you want to be?

I am a recovering drug addicted, I’m depressed at times, I have procrastination issues, I have both mommy and daddy issues, I move around to much, I don’t always think things through, I’m mouthy, I’ve made some really screwed up choices, I have tendencies to piss people off because I tell them off or I tell them what they don’t want to hear. I lie sometimes, I cry sometimes,. I fight sometimes, I mistrust sometimes, I have manipulated people, I have stolen from both people and stores…

I forget to call sometimes….

I have made some really bad choices and then I have mad some other choices…..You now can see me confess them……

Okay I’ll open this up and dig a little deeper for ya…

I chose drugs over my children…

I chose a man over my children…

I chose a fast life over my children…

I chose to burry my pain and anger at myself in drugs…

I chose to sleep with my 3rd cousin

I chose to let the depression eat away at my mind and soul and helped it along by doing more drugs…

I chose to not go to court and get put into jail….

I chose to not finish & follow up with my probation…

I chose to not visit my children…

I chose to let my children down..

I chose to break another promise to my children…

I chose to move away from my chldren….

I chose to leave my children behind….

I chose to not fight for my children….

Are we getting better? Does it feel good to see me say ALL THAT for the world wide web? Well, let me just claifiy for you….

On February 17th, 2019 I decided that I no longer was going to make all the stupid and irrational choices anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore and sine then I have been living a life that I can be proud of. Part of that life comes with OWNING up to my mistakes, my choices, and my actions.

I’m not scared sweet girl…

I am fully armed and ready for what comes my way because for once in my life I am living a life with and for God first and foremost. Secondly, I am making a life that is secure and stable for my children and I make no choice in my life that I do NOT think of my children first.

I have began a life where I know that one day someone will want to be like me because I am worth that…

So you see, I made those choices and I stand up to them. However, for some there is a part two…so read this…..

I chose drugs over my children…

Before I even realized it was happening I was addicted to pain pills & then to Meth and once it had its hold on me I didn’t have much of a choice of what I would choose other than Meth….

I chose a man over my children…

Being consumed with so much loss and drug addiction I chose him over them…

I chose a fast life over my children…

Losing my children, being consumed with both depression and drug addiction, and giving up I threw myself into the fastest lifestyle I could find….

I chose to bury my pain and anger at myself in drugs…

In the moments of reality when I would realized what I had lost and what I had done I was not ready to accept the responsibility for it so I would just turn around and bury myself right back into the drugs and chaos..

I chose to sleep with my 3rd cousin…

You can look down on me all you want to and in some ways I know its not entirely acceptable but it’s not as taboo as you might think. I don’t know how it happen, I don’t understand it either, but I do know that it is not illegal and by law can be married…..

I chose to let the depression eat away at my mind and soul and helped it along by doing more drugs…

Depression is something I didn’t realize could get out of such control. Add it with drug addiction and its almost unstoppable….

I chose to not go to court and get put into jail….

I got put into jail for something that wasn’t entirely my fault. Then I got out and didn’t go to court that was my fault.

I chose to not finish & follow up with my probation…

Now, this is where we need to get an understanding of what is currently going on, because sweet girl you do not have a clue! I did chose to not follow my probation and that is wrong and punishable by jail time. I didn’t just run out on it to be wild and free. I left because if I didn’t I was going to end up dead from drugs or something in the mix. I CHOSE TO GET SOBER AND CLEAN AND LIVE A LIFE WORTH LIVING and I couldn’t do that in Madison County.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to not visit my children…

True. However, I was high and I would have rather them not seen me like that again.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to let my children down..

By not showing up and it broke my heart into pieces because I know it broke theirs too. But I was getting high and they didn’t need to see me like that anymore.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to break another promise to my children…

I promised them I wouldn’t leave them and I did. I broke that promise and many more. I relive them every day that I am not with them.

UNDERSTAND THAT!

I chose to move away from my children….

If I didn’t then I would NEVER be able to show them a mother to be proud of! I would have ended up dead! I had to move to save my own life!

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to leave my children behind….

I couldn’t fight for them with water beneath my feet. Leaving them behind was something that had to be done. I was drowning in fact. I have you to know that leaving them behind was a choice I made to better myself for them not one made because I am being selfish or do not care.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to not fight for my children….

At the point of me getting out of jail because I was not ready nor able to be strong enough. But that has changed and I am living the kind of life that everyone has always said I never would or could. I am living and making the right choices. I didn’t fight for them then because it wasn’t time to. But times have changed now.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE


So you see I can and will make the right choices for myself and my children. I can and am becoming someone that it isn’t so bad to be like.

You don’t want to be me and I’m thankful for that, because there isn’t room for two. I am so much better than I was and becoming someone I have never been.

And I won’t apologize for that.

Send your text message and your threats but understand that who I was before? Is someone who didn’t always think things through and was afraid of life on her own.

I am no longer that girl, I am a whole nother woman.

You told me I should be scared of you; your highly mistaken!

See the difference between you and I?

I know what it feels like to lose everything you have ever held close to you, I have been homeless, terrified for my life, consumed by something deeper and darker than normal daily struggles, lived life with out the exact beings in my life that i always said i couldn’t live without, I have lived for 3 years in my own personal hell and then I have walked straight out of that hell on my own!

You have not been where I have been, gone through what I have gone through, made the choices i have made, been the person i have been, or become that woman I am today and will be in the future.

YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE ME NOR WILL YOU EVER BE!

So you are right on that one , sweet girl.

But you are wrong on another;

I should not be scared of you. You should be scared of me. Because another difference is

THOSE ARE MY CHILDREN NOT YOURS AND WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. YOU WON’T HAVE A QUARTER OF THE FIGHT FOR THEM IN YOU LIKE I DO ME.

Don’t underestimate the woman “who just donates her overies”

See you soon enough.

As always,

I’ll be praying for you.

Sending my love thoughts, and prayers to you, J, and the kids.

Until next time

Chic_Sober

Chic_Sober Spotlight | 06+01+19

I wanted to share a few stories with you all from people that are currently going through the recovery process. Some are just starting their journey and some have been in recovery for years. Either way thier stories are all different but each wonderful and interesting.

I am a member of a Facebook group called CLEAN & SOBER- Addiction Recovery Support Group. Here in this group of over 56,000 members you will find constant beautiful support and encouragement. Members are welcomed daily and share their stories, struggles, fears, accomplishments, & support. I was hesitant at first to make any real post because I didn’t want people judging. However, that is not what your going to find in this group. Everyone there knows what your going through and they honestly want to help! There are some members that post more than others but guarantee that whether or not they are posting; they are reading and getting support they need. There is some kind of comfort knowing that there is someone out there currently going through what your going through and making it!

On the days that someone is having a bad day and they post about it you will find hundreds of comments full of encouragement and support to make it better. You’ll find FB Live video’s on a regular basis because it helps to create a family of support. And believe me they talk about EVERYTHING! But they also laugh, cry, pray, and encourage each other.

Its a beautiful thing.

So I asked for anyone who might want to do a Q&A series with me for the blog and I got a few takers! I was extremely excited and can’t wait to share with you what I learned and the journey’s of these courageous people.

I’ll be sharing each person’s story on a separate post because I want to give them their own spotlight. Please be kind and understand it takes a lot for some to share. I hope you enjoy this series as much as I do!

Remember

Recovery is Freedom

That is all for now

@sobersoulchic

28 Questions Q9 | 06+01+19

Q9: What’s something in your life that you need to get rid of?

A9: my smoking habit

I have gone from completely destroying my body with drugs, sleep derivation, and mal-nutrition to the complete opposites and living healthy. Now, if I can just kick my smoking habit I will be doing just fine.

I might be able to workout and start jogging but while I’m smoking I just can’t do it because it takes all the oxygen out of me. My goal is to quit by August so we will see. I’m slowing down but it is a far stretch to say I’ll be able to quit by then.

Maybe I can start Vaping?

Is that any better?

That is all for now

@sobersoulchic

Push, Push, Push|5+22+19

Today my friends is a bit harder than some. You see, most day’s I can control my emotions. I don’t allow them to control me or overwhelm me because once I do I know I am subject to a setback. I am making progress though because today I have let myself run with my emotions but not set back too much.

Emotionally I’m screwed up today.

I’ve felt lonely. I’ve cried without immediate reason. I’ve thought to much on what I don’t have. Tears, frustration, anger,doubt, & sadness has overfilled me today.

This is the shit I don’t like!

Because understand what I am saying when I feel these emotions. I hit my knee’s out of nowhere because I can’t breath from crying. I feel a tightening in my chest because I literally become aware of my children absence in my life both physically and emotionally. I get snappy with someone I love because I am frustrated that I am not already at the point of being able to see or talk to the kids. I tell myself over and over out loud how STUPID I was messing up our lives over drugs and insane chaos. I feel a pressing cloud of anxiety because I start to doubt myself and where I can go and what I can achieve because the emotions are consuming me. I can’t even look at a picture of them and be happy. Because sadness has taken over me completely. THEY are my happiness but on days like today I am so aware that my happiness is NOWHERE near me or my life and I can’t take it.

I just need these emotions to pass! I am almost 100 days sober! I have a good job, a place of my own, a truck of my own, money in my bank account, my health, someone who loves me and supports me, family that is there for me every step of the way, & a God above that has blessed me, especially here lately.

Life is coming together.

Life is progressing along .

Life isn’t being completely unfair to me.

Life isย  worth living again.

Life is moving in the direction I need it to so that I can be a great mom to my kids.

Life is recovering for me.

These are my reminders that I can and HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THESE EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT TIMES!

I have to keep moving forward to make it back to my children. I can’t be broken and half dazed. No, I have to be completely healed and rejuvenated when I see them next.

So that’s why I come here and I share. Because somehow me writing these words help me by the time I hit publish. I don’t know why but I have to come here and push, push,push these buttons so that I can figure out a way and why I have to push, push, push through life!

That is all for now

+Chaotic Candance

Me feeling millions of emotions!

Chaotic Candance
Feeling the emotions

 

A Little Bit Closer | 4+16+19

Hello all! I do hope your doing good and had a wonderfully safe weekend! For me it was long & eventful. But I have good news updates and some very exciting things to share.

Last week, I landed myself a JOB! After weeks of countless applications & interviews I was hired on at the wonderful Summerplace Inn Destin! It is a beautiful ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ hotel and I’ll be working at the front desk. My pay is great and I’ll be able to move up quickly. Not to mention the cruise they send their employees on! Anyhow, I start TODAY! I’m super excited. My boss Jen is the sweetest!

Yours truly at my interview!

I’m proud to say that TJ got himself a fan-friggin-tastic JOB too! He’s going into his 2nd full week now. Lucky guy gets to waterproof buildings right on the beach! Congrats babes I’m so proud of you. ๐Ÿ’ž The weekend was long. Sunday April 14th was my baby brothers birthday! He turned 30! Happy Birthday Matty! Also, Sunday was my youngest daughters birthday! She turned 7! Happy birthday Jaylynn Taylor! I love you Pookie! It was to no avail to even try and wish her a good birthday. J wouldn’t answer my text or my phone call but I did leave a VM solely to Pookie. Now, Alyssa is next. Hers is on the 25th of this month. She will be 9!

You know this shit is hard to do sober! But I do and that is what keeps me going. I have found strength in my weakness you guys! I have decided to start doing some video’s! Just me and the camera and my thoughts. I’m still going to write but this way I can talk to my kids too! Anyhow, I’m super nervous to share the 1st 2 video’s but I’m gonna! I didn’t edit them (im still learning) and I am definitely just raw AF in it! Now, you can get a Lil bit closer to me! I hope you’ll watch them, comment, subscribe & as always share!

Video 1

Video 2

https://youtu.be/eTqaLGx_RLs

Well, guys thats it for now

+ChaoticCandance

Casino Fun| 04+02+19

So I’ve went on this lil adventure to visit some people that I really needed to see. And I really needed to do this because in ways I felt like I needed it to help me find myself again. The past few years have been pure hell and to be honest I lost so much of who I am. I forgot to have fun and love life because I lost my children and all the life & joy went out of me.

But as I have been developing my relationship with God I feel like he had led me to people & places I needd to be. I have to learn to be happy (ish) with me so I can be happy again when I am reunited with my children. So I have embraced the new adventures & wanted to share with you a bit of the fun. I’m working on putting together more of the pictures but here is a few from the very first Casino I ever stepped foot into. Choctaw Casino & Resort was so much fun! I didnt win a thing! Haha! ๐Ÿ˜‹

However, the experience was wonderful. This place was full of bright lights & loud machines of people winning all around me. I had to light a cigarette or two to keep my feelings in check because I was nervous and anxious about it all at the same time! We don’t have Casino’s in Alabama so you can say that I was utterly excited.

I met this woman “Maya” who was way beyond tipsy who taught me how to make my 36cents play right on out for about an hour! She showed me the ropes of the penny machine! Ha! I loved it! There was much fun in the few extra spins I won.

So anyways, here are a few photos I snapped and thought I’d share! I’d love to see any y’all have or tips on how to hit the slots because I’m definitely going back!

Until next time!

+ChaoticCandance

God’s Land| 3+28+19

God has his ways of reminding us things will be ok. I was standing in this field and the view touched me to my soul.

At one time in my life photography was a passion of mine. And day by day ots coming back to me. I wanted to share with you a view of where I am. And how Gods Land looks.

I’m visiting my Dad…

Steve. He and my mom split a long time ago but he has always been my dad. Years and messed up circumstances kept him from being around but we have reconnected and I’m so happy to have him in my life again. He is wonderful. Even though he doesn’t have to he is helping me and TJ in so many ways. God led us here bec2he knew we needed this in our life.

I’m grateful.

My mom Cj has a lot ti do with this too. Our relationship is complicated too but she is my mom and I’m thankful for all she is doing too.

I’m thankful.

TJ. He is working hard and I can see him growing and changing. Every day he gets more and more level headed. The boy is growing into the man I’ve been telling him was inside him. I’m so proud of him.

I’m proud.

When I wake up every morning and know I’m making the choices I am for my children, I know I’m doing what God wants me too. I’m choosing LIFE. I’m believing in myself again.

I’m believing.

These are things and people helping me to find me. God has showed me this. I’m in love with my life finally and its because I’m growing day by day.

So here is what I see….. Hope you enjoy!

+Chaotic Candance

The 34th Day| 03+23+19

Today is Day 34 of being completely sober. My torement & pain is lessening each and every day. I can’t really explain it and I’m one who is good with words. I’ve been down this road before. Getting clean and trying to save myself. However, I’ve not done it with the mindset that I’m in now. Its easy being sober for me now. I don’t desire anything about it anymore. Nothing during that time frame was good and worth while. I lost EVERYTHING I EVER HAD. Not material things. The things that mean something.

My children, myself, friends, relationships, dignity, self-worth, jobs, my soul! I’ve been wondering around like I’m in some alternate Galaxy. I was beginning to lose my mind in ways that I would not have recovered. But by the Grace of God and with some help from TJ & a few others I am doing it.

I recently connected with a woman on her recovery road and she is changing lives. She is doing some wonderful things. She asked me to give her a run down of where I been and where I am. So I wanted to share with you the same.

Hi Pamela! Im so excited to have found you. I’ve spent days reading up on you, your website, and many of the woman you are in part with. I’m not only inspired but thankful I got on IG thay day and found your post through another post. I feel like God has lead me to you for so many reasons. Anyhow, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I’m 31 years old and a mother to 4 beautiful children. I was born in Dallas but raised all over from Tn to Tx but mostly in Huntsville, Al. I recently picked up and moved to Pensacola, FL about 30 days ago with my boyfriend Tyler and my mom CJ. This was something I had to do to save not only my life but my boyfriends as well.

In 2012 I divorced my husband of 10 years & in 2014 I became addicted to prescription pain pills. Mostly percacet and roxi’s. By 2016 I had a habbit of spending $350 A DAY ON ROXI’S. I began spending all my money on pills and neglecting my priorities including taking care of the things my children needed.

February 5, 2017 I lost full custody of my babies and by the end of March I was a full blowed Meth addict and began the biggest downfall of my life. Since March of ’17 I have been aressted multiple times, been in and out of my babies lives, lost family amd friends, and most of all failed God and myself.

I was last locked up from August to November of last year and that was probably what has me alive today. I was able to regain parts of myself that I had lost within those jail walls. Upon realease I stayed clean for about 30 days and then when i Missed a visit with my kids I relapsed. For the next few months I hit harder on Meth than i had ever before. This is because I missed ny visit and lost my visitation again and missed my son turning 13 and my oldest daughter turning 12. I have never missed their birthdays, even while on dope.

But on February 17th exactly 32 day ago TJ looked at me after huge fight and said we done! No more dope or else we will end up apart and dead. And we left the one place for us both that kept us on the drugs HOME!

But now we are days away from starting great paying jobs, obtaining new a new car and our own place. Everyday we laugh and he video chats with his kids. I am working on talking with my ex to gwt my kids back in my everyday life (i have some big fuxk ups to fix). We are clean and living free now.

I am a blogger and have been fir years. During this chaotic ride ive learned about myself and Ive wanted to make a difference and help others come out alive. I quit doing Meth on my own with no rehab or classes. I know its not always going to be easy. I cry a lot when I’m in the shower alone and I have some pretty wicked nightmares. But im doing this and I feel great.

So there’s a lil about me and where Im at right now. Im and open ๐Ÿ“– and hope to learn more about you. Im so excited! Have a blessed day!

Candance

Hey guys ! This is me just the other day!

So there it is. Ive been a mess but Im recovering. Thats all for now.

Chaotic Candance.

So It Begins| 11+12+18

I shouldn’t be starting all over on this blog. I have one already you see! One that was my life until I got locked out of it. So here I am starting anew (until I get the other) but I don’t mind really I guess. If you know me you will know that I belong to Single Mom Talk. It’s my baby and I centered it around just that life as a single mother and all the emotions with it. I think here at Chaotic Candance I will get a bit more bold and try some new things. Who knows really!

You should know I am one with no filter and a life of pure chaos. Even in my simple moments I am pure chaos. I don’t know why; born that way I guess. It used to drive me crazy and I tried to fight it, but recent events taught me to embrace my chaos and learn to make it a beautiful thing! For me writing tends to keep it in line because I can talk to myself {yes I really do}, free’s me from stress, and gives me the opportunity to really view my life. I know somewhere I’ll say something to offend someone, help someone, & cause a little chaos but hey it fits right in just fine!

I can’t tell you what you will find on this blog that will keep you interested because I really don’t know what your looking for. However, I can tell you I will always be 100% honest, I will be real + raw + rambunctious, & post a ton of pictures! This isn’t a business blog, a craft blog, or a blog for nails & hair. Its a place where this one woman wants to share her daily life & how she manages it. I have real life issues & problems & maybe that is what will keep you coming back to see what I’ve been dealt next.

Whatever your reason please come back!

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Please tell your friends, family, & enemies.

And please let me know if you would like to see me write about something!

Ask me anything you want! I’ll be happy to tell ya about it.

So for now I’ve got to go make myself look presentable encase I see someone important today!

Later Loves,

Chaotic Candanceย