Push, Push, Push|5+22+19

Today my friends is a bit harder than some. You see, most day’s I can control my emotions. I don’t allow them to control me or overwhelm me because once I do I know I am subject to a setback. I am making progress though because today I have let myself run with my emotions but not set back too much.

Emotionally I’m screwed up today.

I’ve felt lonely. I’ve cried without immediate reason. I’ve thought to much on what I don’t have. Tears, frustration, anger,doubt, & sadness has overfilled me today.

This is the shit I don’t like!

Because understand what I am saying when I feel these emotions. I hit my knee’s out of nowhere because I can’t breath from crying. I feel a tightening in my chest because I literally become aware of my children absence in my life both physically and emotionally. I get snappy with someone I love because I am frustrated that I am not already at the point of being able to see or talk to the kids. I tell myself over and over out loud how STUPID I was messing up our lives over drugs and insane chaos. I feel a pressing cloud of anxiety because I start to doubt myself and where I can go and what I can achieve because the emotions are consuming me. I can’t even look at a picture of them and be happy. Because sadness has taken over me completely. THEY are my happiness but on days like today I am so aware that my happiness is NOWHERE near me or my life and I can’t take it.

I just need these emotions to pass! I am almost 100 days sober! I have a good job, a place of my own, a truck of my own, money in my bank account, my health, someone who loves me and supports me, family that is there for me every step of the way, & a God above that has blessed me, especially here lately.

Life is coming together.

Life is progressing along .

Life isn’t being completely unfair to me.

Life is  worth living again.

Life is moving in the direction I need it to so that I can be a great mom to my kids.

Life is recovering for me.

These are my reminders that I can and HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THESE EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT TIMES!

I have to keep moving forward to make it back to my children. I can’t be broken and half dazed. No, I have to be completely healed and rejuvenated when I see them next.

So that’s why I come here and I share. Because somehow me writing these words help me by the time I hit publish. I don’t know why but I have to come here and push, push,push these buttons so that I can figure out a way and why I have to push, push, push through life!

That is all for now

+Chaotic Candance

Me feeling millions of emotions!

Chaotic Candance
Feeling the emotions

 

A Little Bit Closer | 4+16+19

Hello all! I do hope your doing good and had a wonderfully safe weekend! For me it was long & eventful. But I have good news updates and some very exciting things to share.

Last week, I landed myself a JOB! After weeks of countless applications & interviews I was hired on at the wonderful Summerplace Inn Destin! It is a beautiful 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 hotel and I’ll be working at the front desk. My pay is great and I’ll be able to move up quickly. Not to mention the cruise they send their employees on! Anyhow, I start TODAY! I’m super excited. My boss Jen is the sweetest!

Yours truly at my interview!

I’m proud to say that TJ got himself a fan-friggin-tastic JOB too! He’s going into his 2nd full week now. Lucky guy gets to waterproof buildings right on the beach! Congrats babes I’m so proud of you. 💞 The weekend was long. Sunday April 14th was my baby brothers birthday! He turned 30! Happy Birthday Matty! Also, Sunday was my youngest daughters birthday! She turned 7! Happy birthday Jaylynn Taylor! I love you Pookie! It was to no avail to even try and wish her a good birthday. J wouldn’t answer my text or my phone call but I did leave a VM solely to Pookie. Now, Alyssa is next. Hers is on the 25th of this month. She will be 9!

You know this shit is hard to do sober! But I do and that is what keeps me going. I have found strength in my weakness you guys! I have decided to start doing some video’s! Just me and the camera and my thoughts. I’m still going to write but this way I can talk to my kids too! Anyhow, I’m super nervous to share the 1st 2 video’s but I’m gonna! I didn’t edit them (im still learning) and I am definitely just raw AF in it! Now, you can get a Lil bit closer to me! I hope you’ll watch them, comment, subscribe & as always share!

Video 1

Video 2

https://youtu.be/eTqaLGx_RLs

Well, guys thats it for now

+ChaoticCandance

God’s Land| 3+28+19

God has his ways of reminding us things will be ok. I was standing in this field and the view touched me to my soul.

At one time in my life photography was a passion of mine. And day by day ots coming back to me. I wanted to share with you a view of where I am. And how Gods Land looks.

I’m visiting my Dad…

Steve. He and my mom split a long time ago but he has always been my dad. Years and messed up circumstances kept him from being around but we have reconnected and I’m so happy to have him in my life again. He is wonderful. Even though he doesn’t have to he is helping me and TJ in so many ways. God led us here bec2he knew we needed this in our life.

I’m grateful.

My mom Cj has a lot ti do with this too. Our relationship is complicated too but she is my mom and I’m thankful for all she is doing too.

I’m thankful.

TJ. He is working hard and I can see him growing and changing. Every day he gets more and more level headed. The boy is growing into the man I’ve been telling him was inside him. I’m so proud of him.

I’m proud.

When I wake up every morning and know I’m making the choices I am for my children, I know I’m doing what God wants me too. I’m choosing LIFE. I’m believing in myself again.

I’m believing.

These are things and people helping me to find me. God has showed me this. I’m in love with my life finally and its because I’m growing day by day.

So here is what I see….. Hope you enjoy!

+Chaotic Candance

The 34th Day| 03+23+19

Today is Day 34 of being completely sober. My torement & pain is lessening each and every day. I can’t really explain it and I’m one who is good with words. I’ve been down this road before. Getting clean and trying to save myself. However, I’ve not done it with the mindset that I’m in now. Its easy being sober for me now. I don’t desire anything about it anymore. Nothing during that time frame was good and worth while. I lost EVERYTHING I EVER HAD. Not material things. The things that mean something.

My children, myself, friends, relationships, dignity, self-worth, jobs, my soul! I’ve been wondering around like I’m in some alternate Galaxy. I was beginning to lose my mind in ways that I would not have recovered. But by the Grace of God and with some help from TJ & a few others I am doing it.

I recently connected with a woman on her recovery road and she is changing lives. She is doing some wonderful things. She asked me to give her a run down of where I been and where I am. So I wanted to share with you the same.

Hi Pamela! Im so excited to have found you. I’ve spent days reading up on you, your website, and many of the woman you are in part with. I’m not only inspired but thankful I got on IG thay day and found your post through another post. I feel like God has lead me to you for so many reasons. Anyhow, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I’m 31 years old and a mother to 4 beautiful children. I was born in Dallas but raised all over from Tn to Tx but mostly in Huntsville, Al. I recently picked up and moved to Pensacola, FL about 30 days ago with my boyfriend Tyler and my mom CJ. This was something I had to do to save not only my life but my boyfriends as well.

In 2012 I divorced my husband of 10 years & in 2014 I became addicted to prescription pain pills. Mostly percacet and roxi’s. By 2016 I had a habbit of spending $350 A DAY ON ROXI’S. I began spending all my money on pills and neglecting my priorities including taking care of the things my children needed.

February 5, 2017 I lost full custody of my babies and by the end of March I was a full blowed Meth addict and began the biggest downfall of my life. Since March of ’17 I have been aressted multiple times, been in and out of my babies lives, lost family amd friends, and most of all failed God and myself.

I was last locked up from August to November of last year and that was probably what has me alive today. I was able to regain parts of myself that I had lost within those jail walls. Upon realease I stayed clean for about 30 days and then when i Missed a visit with my kids I relapsed. For the next few months I hit harder on Meth than i had ever before. This is because I missed ny visit and lost my visitation again and missed my son turning 13 and my oldest daughter turning 12. I have never missed their birthdays, even while on dope.

But on February 17th exactly 32 day ago TJ looked at me after huge fight and said we done! No more dope or else we will end up apart and dead. And we left the one place for us both that kept us on the drugs HOME!

But now we are days away from starting great paying jobs, obtaining new a new car and our own place. Everyday we laugh and he video chats with his kids. I am working on talking with my ex to gwt my kids back in my everyday life (i have some big fuxk ups to fix). We are clean and living free now.

I am a blogger and have been fir years. During this chaotic ride ive learned about myself and Ive wanted to make a difference and help others come out alive. I quit doing Meth on my own with no rehab or classes. I know its not always going to be easy. I cry a lot when I’m in the shower alone and I have some pretty wicked nightmares. But im doing this and I feel great.

So there’s a lil about me and where Im at right now. Im and open 📖 and hope to learn more about you. Im so excited! Have a blessed day!

Candance

Hey guys ! This is me just the other day!

So there it is. Ive been a mess but Im recovering. Thats all for now.

Chaotic Candance.

So It Begins| 11+12+18

I shouldn’t be starting all over on this blog. I have one already you see! One that was my life until I got locked out of it. So here I am starting anew (until I get the other) but I don’t mind really I guess. If you know me you will know that I belong to Single Mom Talk. It’s my baby and I centered it around just that life as a single mother and all the emotions with it. I think here at Chaotic Candance I will get a bit more bold and try some new things. Who knows really!

You should know I am one with no filter and a life of pure chaos. Even in my simple moments I am pure chaos. I don’t know why; born that way I guess. It used to drive me crazy and I tried to fight it, but recent events taught me to embrace my chaos and learn to make it a beautiful thing! For me writing tends to keep it in line because I can talk to myself {yes I really do}, free’s me from stress, and gives me the opportunity to really view my life. I know somewhere I’ll say something to offend someone, help someone, & cause a little chaos but hey it fits right in just fine!

I can’t tell you what you will find on this blog that will keep you interested because I really don’t know what your looking for. However, I can tell you I will always be 100% honest, I will be real + raw + rambunctious, & post a ton of pictures! This isn’t a business blog, a craft blog, or a blog for nails & hair. Its a place where this one woman wants to share her daily life & how she manages it. I have real life issues & problems & maybe that is what will keep you coming back to see what I’ve been dealt next.

Whatever your reason please come back!

 follow.

Please subscribe + follow.

Please tell your friends, family, & enemies.

And please let me know if you would like to see me write about something!

Ask me anything you want! I’ll be happy to tell ya about it.

So for now I’ve got to go make myself look presentable encase I see someone important today!

Later Loves,

Chaotic Candance