Tag: Life

Foundation Four Self-Care In Recovery: Sensorial Embrace

What kind of word is that? I know that is probably what your thinking! To be honest with you I am not sure it’s totally right but what I do know is that in the dictionary is means exactly what I am trying to tell you all here. When we are in recovery we have to take a moment to remember what it is like to feel and embrace everything in life again. I don’t just mean to hug or touch something I mean to really feel and really understand.

Sensory | Sensorial Embrace

Out of touch. That is something we all become when we “check-out” and become devoured by the darkness of our own. We already know we don’t feel anything emotionally really and we sure don’t feel anything within our soul. But one more thing we don’t do is take the time to embrace and feel all the beautiful things in life. So this my friends is something we if we can learn to keep in focus then we can break addiction and heal mental illness because we will feel too wonderful and see life in a completely different way.

Before I started down the road of my “dark days” there was nothing better to me than when my children held my hand in the store, or the sound of them singing in the car, even the simple view of the water on the lake could make my day. I loved life and the life I was given and especially the people in my life.

We lose these senses once we are consumed in darkness. It is probably the hardest to regain control of once we begin recovery and once you start to you will feel things like you have never felt them before. I know that this is the final part of the foundations. I had to learn to embrace life again. So do you.

When your driving down the road in the city at night and you see the lights of the buildings so bright and beautiful with colors and you have to smile or take a deep breath or even get chill over your body? That is you embracing the sensory of your emotional and physical needs. Your mind, body, and soul are feeling the gift of life. The view is exquisite and you can’t hold back the feeling of how much you love that very view!

One touch from your children. Kisses at bedtime, hugs in the morning, excited embrace after school, or holding your hand in the store are just a few moments of sweet love that your embracing. A tear falls down your face or you smile so big it hurts and you think to yourself never could you imagine a better life than what you have in that moment. That is a sensory embrace! You are feeling the love of this life!

Your best friend calls your cell after years of not speaking to you because you have been so out of it that they couldn’t bare to see you that way. You meet your best friend for lunch at your favorite spot and she is laughing that dorky loud laugh that you have forgotten that you missed and you start to cry. That my dear friends is you embracing the sensory of life. The feeling of comfort and belonging because she is the only person who ever made you feel that way!

I could go on for days with the different parts of our senses that we begin to feel more intensely once we begin to recover but I think you know now. These are the emotions, the feelings, the physical parts, the moments and the results of life happening when your in recovery. If we allow ourselves to feel them whether good or bad without going back into the darkness we can find our final foundation to success. It is so intensely important to allow yourself to feel and embrace life as it is with whatever emotion it is so that we can regain control over what we feel. I don’t know how many times I lost myself over and over again because I wouldn’t allow myself to feel anything during my dark days and that is one of my biggest mistakes.

I will always make sure that I embrace every single part this life that I have been given because it is a beautiful life to live and that is what we cannot forget.

TO FEEL IS TO BE ALIVE AND TO BE ALIVE IS TO FEEL.

DON’T CUT YOURSELF OR YOUR LIFE SHORT ANY LONGER! STAND ON A SOLID FOUNDATION!

@chic_sober

Foundation Four Self-Care in Recovery: Physical Alertness | 09+12+19

I am not a person who enjoys a 7 day of the week workout. I cannot tell you that I have ever competed a workout challenge in my life. But what I can tell you is that in the past 7 months the more active I have stayed the better I have felt. Just get up and move! Go to the park and walk the track, grab a basketball and shoot some hoops, workout or try yoga once or twice a week. This doesn’t have to be hardcore workouts; you just gotta keep yourself moving every single day! Our bodies need it! Did you know…

Physical | Physical Alertness

www.wellandgood.com
When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine

When we are depressed or suffering from addiction we can often forget to take care of our physical selves. We don’t eat right, sleep right, or anything that we should. That is why our hair falls out or we get dark circles under our eyes. You’ll notice acne begin to appear and your sick more often than not. We deprive ourselves of nutrition and wellness that we need to survive. These things eventually start to get to the point where we are nothing but a walking skin.

I know that I never want my body to ever feel or look that way again. Knowing how much I was depriving myself of I try to make up for that now. Over the past few months or so I can really understand and feel the difference in my body. I think that no matter what struggle your facing or addiction your recovering from being Physically Alert can help your overall general health.

Do you ever think about why so many people mediate? Why there are so many health guru’s? Why fitness products and supplements are almost a #1 world-wide seller? Because it feels good to feel good! Nobody really wants to walk around looking and feeling bad. So if we can start to just get up and get active we can always make sure that we have the foundation for success.

Basketball is so much fun! I am completely horrible at it but I love to play with TJ. He makes it look so easy and I’m over here looking like a hippo in yoga pants trying to do back flips! It just don’t look right. But I have fun while playing and after when my heart is beating and I can feel the endorphins going crazy I just love it! Yoga is another favorite of mine. Once, again I look ridiculous but I absolutely love to take part in it. There is a sense of freedom and relaxation once you get over not looking right. Your body just yearns for the activity and it feels fantastic after. I know most of anyone thinks that yoga is silly or hard but in reality its neither. It’s pretty relaxing and certainly fun.

You won’t ever catch me running or jogging for that matter because I am just not a runner but I do love to walk the track at the park especially because mine has a trail through the woods and that’s my soft-spot! Just being up and moving around instead of on my phone or in front of the TV junkin out on junk food makes you feel better!

I mention these activities because they are my own personal examples of b Physical Alertness. The more active I am the more alter my mind, body, and soul will be to the things in life that will try to bring me down. Staying alert isn’t always easy and if we are dumpy and frumpy we are more likely to let something slip by us and fall into the sadness or lose grip of our willpower. So I cannot tell you how important it is to stay alert and get active for not just your physical being but your mind & soul too! It is going to be hard at first but just push forward and know that once that initial pain is gone you will feel so much better!

WHEN THE BODY IS PHYSICALLY READY THERE IS NOTHING THAT WE CANNOT HANDLE MENTALLY…

Be ready always!

@sober_soul

Questions with Adriana | 09+04+19

I follow many different blogs and I find it super refreshing when I find one that is in the niche of sober living. There are not many of us bloggers that will be open and honest about the life we were living before we got sober, but I do believe I have found my idol in the bloggers world. Her name is Adriana Kupresak and not only is she beautiful but she is real and raw and honest about her time as an alcoholic and how it destroyed her life. She talk’s deeply about her battle with men as well and the terribly difficult times she had in her past relationships. Adriana will hit the 3 year mark of being sober come September 11, 2019 and she lives such a beautiful and glamorous life; all without the drugs or booze!

Adriana Kupresak | image found on google | I own no copyrights tot this image or any other images shared of Adriana

I emailed Adriana and asked her if she would so kindly do a quick Q & A with me so that I could share more about her here on Sober Soul and she agree! Now, I know you guys will love her! She is the sweetest and incredibly real. I can’t wait to share with you what she and I talked about. So keep an eye out for her Guest Blogger post and be sure to show her some love once it’s live!

Well, that is all for now!

@chic_sober

*all images copyright Adriana Kupresak & her team.

Happiness | 08+24+19

Find an understanding within yourself about your life…and then you can begin to recover….

I recently wrote about how most addicts have an underlying reason that they start using. That I think is important when you start your journey of recovery. There also needs to be a sense of understanding with yourself. We need to understand what our reasons are, how they affect us, what is happening to us , and most of all we need to understand where we are in life and how we got there, to truly recover.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t pray for understanding in my life. Understanding what is going on in our lives is important. Understanding our emotions is important. Understanding that we will find a way through the darkness is necessary. Our mind and our souls have been broken at some point and whatever happened to get us to point of being broken; that is what we have to understand. Why it had to happen that way and finding a way through the emotions is often the hardest part.

So how do we find understanding? How to do we find the acceptance of the events in our life? How do we work our way through the emotions? It is our emotions that we try to cover with substance or alchol abuse isn’t it? I have found ways to heal through the emotions that come when you begin your road to recovery and allow you to begin feeling happiness again.

Know what takes your happiness away.

Find the best possible solution to that issue.

Develop a plan that will give you success to complete your solution.

Write these all down. Or make a video journal of your issue, solution, and plan.

Set forth on your plan. You may need to enlist the help of someone to get to where you need to be emotionally. But if you do this alone take it slow and don’t overthink it!

Record your accomplishments and progress. Don’t allow yourself to fall off course. Your end goal is to create a solution to the problem that steals your happiness. Don’t lose sight of that.

Embrace the opportunity to be happy. This is often the hardest part! Accepting that you want to be happy and that you deserve to be happy!

Always be aware of things, people, places, actions, or situations that can steal your happiness! We have to work overtime on managing our happiness during early stages of recovery so pay close attention to everything and everyone around you that risk stealing your happiness from you.

Don’t allow doubt or guilt take anything from you! Remember you are choosing to get sober and that is a beautiful thing and another step closer to a beautiful life!

We need to accept that we deserve to be happy. Of course that is another topic all on its’ own!

However, there is so much beauty in being happy in the moment that your in! Even if your life isn’t completely where you want or need it to be. For example, I don’t have my children back in my life at all! I don’t get to talk to them or see them or have any updates on their life what so ever. But I don’t spend my days sad and angry anymore. Because I cannot get myself to where I need to be if I am not living life!

I know what took my happiness away. I know what started all this for me and I didn’t even realize that until I posted my “Reasons Why” post. My marriage took most of my happiness away and then losing my children took the rest of what I had left away. So therefor I found my issue to what was stealing my happiness. Now, I devleoped a plan for a solutuion to that issue! My plan for getting my children back! Next, I docuement every week my progress on moving my life in the direction to get my kids back. That my friends I do privately because there are some folks that just don’t need to know my every move. I also record my accomplishments of my life progress (also in my plan) and my acccomplishments in the steps to geting my kids back. I remind myself that everything I am doing is to get them back into my life! I have removed anyone from my life that don’t add to my positive and happy vibes in life! I also don’t put myself in situations to risk my sobreity nor my happiness! On the days that I something really good happens and I start to feel guilty for that excitement I feel I remind myself that I have to be happy and healthy to obtain my goal and that it is a part of my recovery, part of my healing, and a part of my life plan! I can see the bigger picture and know that what I am looking forward to is like looking out into the world with a fresh perspective and opening my arms wide letting the air hit my face and the wind blow through my hair as I soak up every moment, because I know that I am lucky to be alive!

My children need me to be everything I can be so that I can fully care for them and give them the life they deserve!

So the next time you are wondering if it is okay to be happy or if you can even find happiness again? Just remember that no matter what if you truly want a good life you can create it and there is nothing wrong with being happy!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

Reason’s Why | 08+14+19

There is always a reason…..

that we use drugs. Now, I’m not talking about those phony reason’s addicts give like, “I wanted to see what it was like” or “just because I wanted too” no I am talking about those deep dark wounds that eat away at us until we decide that we cannot handle it any longer and we use for the first time.

I am talking deep dark reason’s!

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), 19.7 million American adults (aged 12 and older) battled a substance use disorder in 2017.1

I would almost bet that at least one person that lives on your street is a drug user or at least has been a drug user. Why? Because so many of us battle with this! Addiction and Mental Health Disorders (MHD) are becoming an epidemic and we need to try and stop it! Now, that I have mentioned MHD’s you should know that they go hand in hand with Addiction and shouldn’t be taken lightly!

In 2017, 8.5 million American adults suffered from both a mental health disorder and a substance use disorder, or co-occurring disorders.1

Now, let me say this. If you have never suffered from a mental health disorder or a substance use disorder you might say that it is non-nonsence and that those who use or battle with mental health should just “say no to drugs” or “see the brighter side of life” and then everything will be just fine!

I ASSURE IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY…..

Throughout my childhood I remember seeing so many people drink, smoke weed, and be “high” of course I didn’t know that then but I know it now. My mom and I once lived in a motel that was connected to a bar so that she didn’t have to worry about driving or finding me a sitter! In fact I would watch myself most nights and that was Okay with me. Now, don’t think badly of my mother because she loved me and I knew that every second of everyday! She always told me so.

She simply was an addict and couldn’t find her stopping point. In fact, she wouldn’t find her stopping point until after I started using drugs and then stopped using them myself!

Anyhow, the reason I told you that short little story is I can remember the feeling of seeing my mom drunk, the feeling of loniliness, the feeling of fear, and most the feeling of anger that I was never going to drink those ” silly drinks” that my mom drank. I didin’t want to ever want to put my kids in that situation. I had always lived by that defining moment in my life.

Of course once I got married and began my struggle with my own MHD I would later find that my own struggle would be worse than what my mother put me through; with my own children.

I wish I had known that my depression and anxiety and feelings of not being good enough in my marriage to J would lead me to self destruction! I wish that I had know that what I was dealing with wasn’t normal and that I needed help!

However, I was too good at hiding my pain! And I had never experienced depression or anxiety or anything of the sorts. I was always just the one to take care of people such as my mom or myself or my friends. I didn’t understand that my 8 year marriage to J was destructive and mentally abusive and that I was sick by the time it ended.

My mental health disorder was my reason……

My dark deep reason for using I now know was that I never felt good enough. I never felt like I was going to amount to anything because I always needed someone to be there for me as an adult.

You see growing up I took care of myself and my mom but once I fell so deeply in love with J I relied on him for my happiness! And instead of real happiness he devoured me in lies, heartache, unworthiness, and tears. So I never got to be happy and I never really got my independence back until 6 months ago when I decided to get clean and sober.

Now, I’m not trying to say that J is the reason I was a user.

I am that reason. My emotions. My decisions. My own darkness.

We have additional add on features that help us most of the time. Such as the mental illiness that I delveloped from being married to J, my gentics on both side of parents who are users/addicts, and people, places, and things.

However, we all have that ONE REASON that we use.

That is mine. I needed to exscape that feeling of not being worthy, of not being an independent mother, of not having the ability to care for myself or my children properly.

Once I divorced J my mother was always around. There were times here and there that she would get locked up or whatever and I would find myself on my own. Of course I would run to someone and ask for help. I would never do it on my own!

I didn’t believe in myself enough to try and do it on my own.

All the while I see TJ and his at the time wife in active heavy meth addiction. I would cry and cry and cry for them and wish that they would see that life wasn’t good being a user and I would rescue them from whatever issue they had gotten themselves into.

Little did I know that I would become a second runner for being the worst of the worst.

But I remember the first time I did a pain pill! Now, I am not going to state who gave me that first taste of my high’s because this person is a good person she is just lost! So we will call her “Jessie”

I was hurting. My stomach was in unbearable pain. So Jessie told me to take a pill. What she meant was to snort it. Just snot a little line and it will hit you fast and you wont feel a thing. In fact, you will feel loads better and might help me clean this house!”

Now, lets hit the pause button. I was hurting but I knew I didn’t want to open the door for that. I knew that I come from addicts and that I didn’t want to open that door for myself.

And then again…..

I knew that Jessie and everyone else who used pain pills felt like a million bucks without overdoing it. They didn’t lose a bunch of weight or act like idiots or get crater face! So maybe I could just do a few lines of the pills and feel good for a while! I have self control and this I know!

Unpause!

I did it. I snorted my first pill and it was exhilerating! I felt no pain and I did help her clean that house! And I played outside with my kids for hours and then after they went to bed I did it again and then before I knew it my body couldn’t function without it!

I didn’t care though. I felt good. I didn’t worry so much about not being good enough for anyone. I still was managing!

It didnt’ take long before I was spending $350 a day on Roxy’s and almost overdosed 3 times! I was out of control and everyone could see it!

Especially, J! He took his opportunity and got temp custody and when he did I was done for! I said no I will not keep doing this I am going to get my kids back and I have got to stop doing pills!

But then the withdrawls! Oh they were worse than anything I have ever been through. I couldn’t do it; it was too much.

So Jessie had an idea! She said ” Do you trust me?” and I said of course I trust you!

Well, then she told me that she knew a way that I could come off the Roxy’s without feeling the withdrawls. Oh I was all ears at this point! But then she tells me that what she is talking about is using METH for just 1 whole week. I won’t feel the pain of withdrawing and since METH dont’ have no real addiction qualities I will be able to stop. No one will ever know!

I faught it yall!

I did.

But the pain was too much and I looked around and my kids were gone and I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was not feel this pain both physcal and mentally.

So I used METH and my life was over. Oh don’t get me wrong Jessie was right that I wouldn’t want the pills no more nor would I feel that pain. But she was wrong when she said I would be able to stop.

I didn’t and I kept going and I became a monster. I became someone I never thought I would be.

Now, what if I had never felt that feeling of not being good enough? That feeling of unworthiness. That feeling of failing in so many ways.

Would I have ever used drugs or pain medication?

I true don’t think I would have.

That was my reason! I deleveloped a serious mental health issue that lead me to using and I don’t wish that on anyone!

Ask any user or recovering addict why they began to use and I assure that they will pinpoint it back to some form of mental health issue or feeling of not being good enough!

I know that we can fix this! Our generation is brilliant and there has to be a way to reduce the risk of mental illiness thus reducing drug abuse!

That is all for now.

chic_sober

Statisics found at

https://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/addiction-statistics

Just a Lil Update | 07+26+19

The past few weeks have for one just flown by and for two been an emotional ride. I have cried good and bad cries, I have thought of things I normally don’t, I have seen people I have seen since I got sober, and I haven’t gotten to see people I so desperetly want to see. And this just puts a light note on everything that has been going down. I have not been able to write obvisouly but I got a new computer at work so now I can better tend to this blog like I want to.

There isn’t a way to explain my emotional status right now. I will say that I am learning more and more about myself every day and I am so thankful for that.

So whats new?

Church Camp!

Oh how it was an experwince out of this world. I have never seen so many people so passionate about God and his word. It was a beautiful things to see first hand. The music was fantastic and possibly one of my favorite parts. Of course ya’ll know I love music and this just made me want to jump to my feet and get down with it. There was 3 main speakers there and then a few others that joined them. I love all of them! However, Brother Carpenter was downright my favorite! I felt like he had a message that was sent just to me. You know I wondered why I was even going because I am so new to the church thing I wasn’t even sure I would understand a word that they were saying. But I was wrong! I heard those messages loud and clear, especially when Brother Carpenter got on the stage to deliever God’s message.

I don’t want to die I want to be a testimony!

Those words were so close to home that I keep playing them over and over in my heard over a week later. I cried so hard when the message sank in and I know that God was letting me know that he has plans for me to do something great with all that I been through and I know that I am on the path he wants me on. I hope you guys will take a look at what all happen at Church Camp. I’ll be making a post full of pictures and great detail about everything! I can’t wait to share with you all!

Trip to Alabama!

Yep! That is right! TJ and I took a week trip back to Alabama and loved every minute of it. I didn’t get to see everyone that I wanted too but we did see those closest to us, besides my Granny. The best part was getting to see TJ’s kids. They are a handful but they are so precious. KK his daughter was literally attached to me almos the entire time. And his son TK was the same way with his dad, that is until it was bed time and then he was certain he had to be snuggled up with me. I swear we played Monoply for 3 hours, jumped on the trampoline for 2 hours, and rode the 4wheeler for 9586595 hours! LOL but it was a blast. I layed them down to sleep and went outside to have the biggest cry I have had in a long time. I sat on the porch at 3am and cried and talked to God for who knows how long. His kids only live 15 minutes away from where J and Ash lived with my kids and it was really hitting home being that close to them and not be able to see them. Of course they all have moved to Florida now but it still hit home.
Anyhow, I can’t wait to share with you the beautiful and fun pictures I took of the kids. They are so precious!

School+School+School!

Whoa! I am in the 3rd week of my 2nd class and when I went to camp and then straight to my Bama trip it really messed up my grades so now I am having to make uip for that. But I am lovin my progress so far. My current class is Psychology of Play and it is ridicously fun! Should that even be when your in college? Well, it is and I have no complaints about that! I will be finishing up this class on the 5th of August and hopefuylly I can pull off a decent grade even though it took a couple hits. They sent me my brand new IPAD late last month and man oh man is that the coolest! Soon, I will be getting a MacBook Pro and for that I really cannot wait! I’ve made some pretty neat video’s and visual graphics thus so far in my classes and I’ll have to share with you more on school later!

Life+Love+Work

My everyday life is a blessed one. I can’t make many complaints because there are none to make.

FOR TJ AND I ARE 161 DAYS SOBER!!!!!!!

There isn’t any struggle for me in that department. God so far has kept the desire for that out of my mind and heart. I work in a wonderful office where I get to focus on my life and the things that are important to me, I have a cute lil apartment where TJ and Stella keep me the best company, and TJ is the funniest man I’ve ever known. I love him deeply!

I cannot tell you how blessed I am if I wrote 10000 post about it. But I am surely goig to try!

More later but that is all for now!

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q28 | 06+20+19

Q28: Who are your role models and what qualities do you share with them?

A28: I couldn’t dare share thier qualities!

But I will tell you that my role models are

Sister J

(Aunt) Tammy

Simply because they are amazing women and though so completely different I hope that I share the kindness, heart, love, and understanding that they hold.

That is all for now!

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q27 | 06+19+19

Q27: What choices are you are making right now that your future self will thank you for later?

A27: Staying sober, church, job, stability, & living life!

I have said this before but all the choices I am making today are for myself and my children! I want to give them a life and a mom that they can be proud of. For 3 long years I was making choices and even before that I was making choices that myself now kicks my own butt for. But now I am making choices that 3 years from now I know I will proud of myself for!

I choose to stay sober every day and life is so much better!

I choose to walk through this life with God and that is so much better!

I choose to work and keep a job and that is so much better!

I choose to stay where I am instead of run and move around and that is so much better!

I am living life instead of giving up and that is so much better!

I am doing everything I can to get back to my kids and live a good life the way God wants me to and I know that I will thank myself later!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

Your right, sweet girl | 06+18+19

Okay. Just listen then…

It seems as though one of my previous post,

Caught someone’s attention & it also seems that part of my words was clearly misunderstood.

Let me clarify.

Just have a seat and listen, because honestly I didn’t even know you followed.

Not that it’s going to change anything because surely by now your learning that ME, the REAL me says what I feel like needs to be said.

Now, I know you don’t want to be me or anything like me.

Why would you want to be?

I am a recovering drug addicted, I’m depressed at times, I have procrastination issues, I have both mommy and daddy issues, I move around to much, I don’t always think things through, I’m mouthy, I’ve made some really screwed up choices, I have tendencies to piss people off because I tell them off or I tell them what they don’t want to hear. I lie sometimes, I cry sometimes,. I fight sometimes, I mistrust sometimes, I have manipulated people, I have stolen from both people and stores…

I forget to call sometimes….

I have made some really bad choices and then I have mad some other choices…..You now can see me confess them……

Okay I’ll open this up and dig a little deeper for ya…

I chose drugs over my children…

I chose a man over my children…

I chose a fast life over my children…

I chose to burry my pain and anger at myself in drugs…

I chose to sleep with my 3rd cousin

I chose to let the depression eat away at my mind and soul and helped it along by doing more drugs…

I chose to not go to court and get put into jail….

I chose to not finish & follow up with my probation…

I chose to not visit my children…

I chose to let my children down..

I chose to break another promise to my children…

I chose to move away from my chldren….

I chose to leave my children behind….

I chose to not fight for my children….

Are we getting better? Does it feel good to see me say ALL THAT for the world wide web? Well, let me just claifiy for you….

On February 17th, 2019 I decided that I no longer was going to make all the stupid and irrational choices anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore and sine then I have been living a life that I can be proud of. Part of that life comes with OWNING up to my mistakes, my choices, and my actions.

I’m not scared sweet girl…

I am fully armed and ready for what comes my way because for once in my life I am living a life with and for God first and foremost. Secondly, I am making a life that is secure and stable for my children and I make no choice in my life that I do NOT think of my children first.

I have began a life where I know that one day someone will want to be like me because I am worth that…

So you see, I made those choices and I stand up to them. However, for some there is a part two…so read this…..

I chose drugs over my children…

Before I even realized it was happening I was addicted to pain pills & then to Meth and once it had its hold on me I didn’t have much of a choice of what I would choose other than Meth….

I chose a man over my children…

Being consumed with so much loss and drug addiction I chose him over them…

I chose a fast life over my children…

Losing my children, being consumed with both depression and drug addiction, and giving up I threw myself into the fastest lifestyle I could find….

I chose to bury my pain and anger at myself in drugs…

In the moments of reality when I would realized what I had lost and what I had done I was not ready to accept the responsibility for it so I would just turn around and bury myself right back into the drugs and chaos..

I chose to sleep with my 3rd cousin…

You can look down on me all you want to and in some ways I know its not entirely acceptable but it’s not as taboo as you might think. I don’t know how it happen, I don’t understand it either, but I do know that it is not illegal and by law can be married…..

I chose to let the depression eat away at my mind and soul and helped it along by doing more drugs…

Depression is something I didn’t realize could get out of such control. Add it with drug addiction and its almost unstoppable….

I chose to not go to court and get put into jail….

I got put into jail for something that wasn’t entirely my fault. Then I got out and didn’t go to court that was my fault.

I chose to not finish & follow up with my probation…

Now, this is where we need to get an understanding of what is currently going on, because sweet girl you do not have a clue! I did chose to not follow my probation and that is wrong and punishable by jail time. I didn’t just run out on it to be wild and free. I left because if I didn’t I was going to end up dead from drugs or something in the mix. I CHOSE TO GET SOBER AND CLEAN AND LIVE A LIFE WORTH LIVING and I couldn’t do that in Madison County.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to not visit my children…

True. However, I was high and I would have rather them not seen me like that again.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to let my children down..

By not showing up and it broke my heart into pieces because I know it broke theirs too. But I was getting high and they didn’t need to see me like that anymore.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to break another promise to my children…

I promised them I wouldn’t leave them and I did. I broke that promise and many more. I relive them every day that I am not with them.

UNDERSTAND THAT!

I chose to move away from my children….

If I didn’t then I would NEVER be able to show them a mother to be proud of! I would have ended up dead! I had to move to save my own life!

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to leave my children behind….

I couldn’t fight for them with water beneath my feet. Leaving them behind was something that had to be done. I was drowning in fact. I have you to know that leaving them behind was a choice I made to better myself for them not one made because I am being selfish or do not care.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to not fight for my children….

At the point of me getting out of jail because I was not ready nor able to be strong enough. But that has changed and I am living the kind of life that everyone has always said I never would or could. I am living and making the right choices. I didn’t fight for them then because it wasn’t time to. But times have changed now.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

So you see I can and will make the right choices for myself and my children. I can and am becoming someone that it isn’t so bad to be like.

You don’t want to be me and I’m thankful for that, because there isn’t room for two. I am so much better than I was and becoming someone I have never been.

And I won’t apologize for that.

Send your text message and your threats but understand that who I was before? Is someone who didn’t always think things through and was afraid of life on her own.

I am no longer that girl, I am a whole nother woman.

You told me I should be scared of you; your highly mistaken!

See the difference between you and I?

I know what it feels like to lose everything you have ever held close to you, I have been homeless, terrified for my life, consumed by something deeper and darker than normal daily struggles, lived life with out the exact beings in my life that i always said i couldn’t live without, I have lived for 3 years in my own personal hell and then I have walked straight out of that hell on my own!

You have not been where I have been, gone through what I have gone through, made the choices i have made, been the person i have been, or become that woman I am today and will be in the future.

YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE ME NOR WILL YOU EVER BE!

So you are right on that one , sweet girl.

But you are wrong on another;

I should not be scared of you. You should be scared of me. Because another difference is

THOSE ARE MY CHILDREN NOT YOURS AND WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. YOU WON’T HAVE A QUARTER OF THE FIGHT FOR THEM IN YOU LIKE I DO ME.

Don’t underestimate the woman “who just donates her overies”

See you soon enough.

As always,

I’ll be praying for you.

Sending my love thoughts, and prayers to you, J, and the kids.

Until next time

Chic_Sober

28 Questions Q26 | 06+18+19

Q26: What parts of yourself are you ashamed of? What does your reflection in the mirror show?

A26: I am not ashamed of anything! My reflection shows…….

OKAY, I need you to understand that I am not ashamed of a single thing! I have done what I have done and that is that. It has made me who I am and lead me to this place and time and I would not change that! Of course I would love to have my children but I know that this is the way God has intended for my life to go and that things will be as they should be when the time is right.

I was ashamed of my life 6 months ago but I am no longer ashamed of the fact that I did drugs or anything else that came with it. I have moved on from those dark days.

My reflection shows a woman of 31 years with tears, heartache, love, joy, struggles and dreams! It shows blue eyes that hold a million tears, a smile that is slowly becoming real again, and a person who truly wants the best for those around her. It shows someone who has been homeless and hungry, high and out of her mind, and most of all someone who has overcome the darkest days of her life thus so far!

My reflection someone I am proud to stare back at!

That is all for now

@chic_sober