Happiness | 08+24+19

Find an understanding within yourself about your life…and then you can begin to recover….

I recently wrote about how most addicts have an underlying reason that they start using. That I think is important when you start your journey of recovery. There also needs to be a sense of understanding with yourself. We need to understand what our reasons are, how they affect us, what is happening to us , and most of all we need to understand where we are in life and how we got there, to truly recover.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t pray for understanding in my life. Understanding what is going on in our lives is important. Understanding our emotions is important. Understanding that we will find a way through the darkness is necessary. Our mind and our souls have been broken at some point and whatever happened to get us to point of being broken; that is what we have to understand. Why it had to happen that way and finding a way through the emotions is often the hardest part.

So how do we find understanding? How to do we find the acceptance of the events in our life? How do we work our way through the emotions? It is our emotions that we try to cover with substance or alchol abuse isn’t it? I have found ways to heal through the emotions that come when you begin your road to recovery and allow you to begin feeling happiness again.

Know what takes your happiness away.

Find the best possible solution to that issue.

Develop a plan that will give you success to complete your solution.

Write these all down. Or make a video journal of your issue, solution, and plan.

Set forth on your plan. You may need to enlist the help of someone to get to where you need to be emotionally. But if you do this alone take it slow and don’t overthink it!

Record your accomplishments and progress. Don’t allow yourself to fall off course. Your end goal is to create a solution to the problem that steals your happiness. Don’t lose sight of that.

Embrace the opportunity to be happy. This is often the hardest part! Accepting that you want to be happy and that you deserve to be happy!

Always be aware of things, people, places, actions, or situations that can steal your happiness! We have to work overtime on managing our happiness during early stages of recovery so pay close attention to everything and everyone around you that risk stealing your happiness from you.

Don’t allow doubt or guilt take anything from you! Remember you are choosing to get sober and that is a beautiful thing and another step closer to a beautiful life!

We need to accept that we deserve to be happy. Of course that is another topic all on its’ own!

However, there is so much beauty in being happy in the moment that your in! Even if your life isn’t completely where you want or need it to be. For example, I don’t have my children back in my life at all! I don’t get to talk to them or see them or have any updates on their life what so ever. But I don’t spend my days sad and angry anymore. Because I cannot get myself to where I need to be if I am not living life!

I know what took my happiness away. I know what started all this for me and I didn’t even realize that until I posted my “Reasons Why” post. My marriage took most of my happiness away and then losing my children took the rest of what I had left away. So therefor I found my issue to what was stealing my happiness. Now, I devleoped a plan for a solutuion to that issue! My plan for getting my children back! Next, I docuement every week my progress on moving my life in the direction to get my kids back. That my friends I do privately because there are some folks that just don’t need to know my every move. I also record my accomplishments of my life progress (also in my plan) and my acccomplishments in the steps to geting my kids back. I remind myself that everything I am doing is to get them back into my life! I have removed anyone from my life that don’t add to my positive and happy vibes in life! I also don’t put myself in situations to risk my sobreity nor my happiness! On the days that I something really good happens and I start to feel guilty for that excitement I feel I remind myself that I have to be happy and healthy to obtain my goal and that it is a part of my recovery, part of my healing, and a part of my life plan! I can see the bigger picture and know that what I am looking forward to is like looking out into the world with a fresh perspective and opening my arms wide letting the air hit my face and the wind blow through my hair as I soak up every moment, because I know that I am lucky to be alive!

My children need me to be everything I can be so that I can fully care for them and give them the life they deserve!

So the next time you are wondering if it is okay to be happy or if you can even find happiness again? Just remember that no matter what if you truly want a good life you can create it and there is nothing wrong with being happy!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q27 | 06+19+19

Q27: What choices are you are making right now that your future self will thank you for later?

A27: Staying sober, church, job, stability, & living life!

I have said this before but all the choices I am making today are for myself and my children! I want to give them a life and a mom that they can be proud of. For 3 long years I was making choices and even before that I was making choices that myself now kicks my own butt for. But now I am making choices that 3 years from now I know I will proud of myself for!

I choose to stay sober every day and life is so much better!

I choose to walk through this life with God and that is so much better!

I choose to work and keep a job and that is so much better!

I choose to stay where I am instead of run and move around and that is so much better!

I am living life instead of giving up and that is so much better!

I am doing everything I can to get back to my kids and live a good life the way God wants me to and I know that I will thank myself later!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

Your right, sweet girl | 06+18+19

Okay. Just listen then…

It seems as though one of my previous post,

Caught someone’s attention & it also seems that part of my words was clearly misunderstood.

Let me clarify.

Just have a seat and listen, because honestly I didn’t even know you followed.

Not that it’s going to change anything because surely by now your learning that ME, the REAL me says what I feel like needs to be said.

Now, I know you don’t want to be me or anything like me.

Why would you want to be?

I am a recovering drug addicted, I’m depressed at times, I have procrastination issues, I have both mommy and daddy issues, I move around to much, I don’t always think things through, I’m mouthy, I’ve made some really screwed up choices, I have tendencies to piss people off because I tell them off or I tell them what they don’t want to hear. I lie sometimes, I cry sometimes,. I fight sometimes, I mistrust sometimes, I have manipulated people, I have stolen from both people and stores…

I forget to call sometimes….

I have made some really bad choices and then I have mad some other choices…..You now can see me confess them……

Okay I’ll open this up and dig a little deeper for ya…

I chose drugs over my children…

I chose a man over my children…

I chose a fast life over my children…

I chose to burry my pain and anger at myself in drugs…

I chose to sleep with my 3rd cousin

I chose to let the depression eat away at my mind and soul and helped it along by doing more drugs…

I chose to not go to court and get put into jail….

I chose to not finish & follow up with my probation…

I chose to not visit my children…

I chose to let my children down..

I chose to break another promise to my children…

I chose to move away from my chldren….

I chose to leave my children behind….

I chose to not fight for my children….

Are we getting better? Does it feel good to see me say ALL THAT for the world wide web? Well, let me just claifiy for you….

On February 17th, 2019 I decided that I no longer was going to make all the stupid and irrational choices anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore and sine then I have been living a life that I can be proud of. Part of that life comes with OWNING up to my mistakes, my choices, and my actions.

I’m not scared sweet girl…

I am fully armed and ready for what comes my way because for once in my life I am living a life with and for God first and foremost. Secondly, I am making a life that is secure and stable for my children and I make no choice in my life that I do NOT think of my children first.

I have began a life where I know that one day someone will want to be like me because I am worth that…

So you see, I made those choices and I stand up to them. However, for some there is a part two…so read this…..

I chose drugs over my children…

Before I even realized it was happening I was addicted to pain pills & then to Meth and once it had its hold on me I didn’t have much of a choice of what I would choose other than Meth….

I chose a man over my children…

Being consumed with so much loss and drug addiction I chose him over them…

I chose a fast life over my children…

Losing my children, being consumed with both depression and drug addiction, and giving up I threw myself into the fastest lifestyle I could find….

I chose to bury my pain and anger at myself in drugs…

In the moments of reality when I would realized what I had lost and what I had done I was not ready to accept the responsibility for it so I would just turn around and bury myself right back into the drugs and chaos..

I chose to sleep with my 3rd cousin…

You can look down on me all you want to and in some ways I know its not entirely acceptable but it’s not as taboo as you might think. I don’t know how it happen, I don’t understand it either, but I do know that it is not illegal and by law can be married…..

I chose to let the depression eat away at my mind and soul and helped it along by doing more drugs…

Depression is something I didn’t realize could get out of such control. Add it with drug addiction and its almost unstoppable….

I chose to not go to court and get put into jail….

I got put into jail for something that wasn’t entirely my fault. Then I got out and didn’t go to court that was my fault.

I chose to not finish & follow up with my probation…

Now, this is where we need to get an understanding of what is currently going on, because sweet girl you do not have a clue! I did chose to not follow my probation and that is wrong and punishable by jail time. I didn’t just run out on it to be wild and free. I left because if I didn’t I was going to end up dead from drugs or something in the mix. I CHOSE TO GET SOBER AND CLEAN AND LIVE A LIFE WORTH LIVING and I couldn’t do that in Madison County.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to not visit my children…

True. However, I was high and I would have rather them not seen me like that again.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to let my children down..

By not showing up and it broke my heart into pieces because I know it broke theirs too. But I was getting high and they didn’t need to see me like that anymore.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to break another promise to my children…

I promised them I wouldn’t leave them and I did. I broke that promise and many more. I relive them every day that I am not with them.

UNDERSTAND THAT!

I chose to move away from my children….

If I didn’t then I would NEVER be able to show them a mother to be proud of! I would have ended up dead! I had to move to save my own life!

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to leave my children behind….

I couldn’t fight for them with water beneath my feet. Leaving them behind was something that had to be done. I was drowning in fact. I have you to know that leaving them behind was a choice I made to better myself for them not one made because I am being selfish or do not care.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE

I chose to not fight for my children….

At the point of me getting out of jail because I was not ready nor able to be strong enough. But that has changed and I am living the kind of life that everyone has always said I never would or could. I am living and making the right choices. I didn’t fight for them then because it wasn’t time to. But times have changed now.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE


So you see I can and will make the right choices for myself and my children. I can and am becoming someone that it isn’t so bad to be like.

You don’t want to be me and I’m thankful for that, because there isn’t room for two. I am so much better than I was and becoming someone I have never been.

And I won’t apologize for that.

Send your text message and your threats but understand that who I was before? Is someone who didn’t always think things through and was afraid of life on her own.

I am no longer that girl, I am a whole nother woman.

You told me I should be scared of you; your highly mistaken!

See the difference between you and I?

I know what it feels like to lose everything you have ever held close to you, I have been homeless, terrified for my life, consumed by something deeper and darker than normal daily struggles, lived life with out the exact beings in my life that i always said i couldn’t live without, I have lived for 3 years in my own personal hell and then I have walked straight out of that hell on my own!

You have not been where I have been, gone through what I have gone through, made the choices i have made, been the person i have been, or become that woman I am today and will be in the future.

YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE ME NOR WILL YOU EVER BE!

So you are right on that one , sweet girl.

But you are wrong on another;

I should not be scared of you. You should be scared of me. Because another difference is

THOSE ARE MY CHILDREN NOT YOURS AND WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. YOU WON’T HAVE A QUARTER OF THE FIGHT FOR THEM IN YOU LIKE I DO ME.

Don’t underestimate the woman “who just donates her overies”

See you soon enough.

As always,

I’ll be praying for you.

Sending my love thoughts, and prayers to you, J, and the kids.

Until next time

Chic_Sober

28 Questions Q23 | 06+15+19

Q23: What does your support system look like? How can you make it stronger?

A23: Like the Endless Sea!

Oh, I have been waiting to answer this question because it brings me great joy to talk about my support system or what I like to call them my “Encouraging Warriors! Because without them I would no be where I am today. Each ecncouraging warrior of mine help me in different ways. They each do something that the others cannot do because they’re different.

I love all of them very much.

I say that it looks like the endless sea because they are strong like the ravious waves, beautiful as the deep blue water, and endless in thier ways they offer me support.

I imagine it could only get better if God sends someone else my way to add to them.

God. He has brought me out of the darkness and fills my life with beautiful things. Not material things but things such as hope, smiles, children, love, friendship, trust, grace, mercy, forgivness, the Holy Ghost, worship, and so much more! I cannot do this without him in my life!

TJ is the solid steadfast foundation that I stand on. He catches my every fall, wipes my tears, takes my bad days like a rockstart, and reminds me that I doing great everyday. Having a relationship while USING together is detromental to your relationship. Being able to hold your relationship together AFTER your drugs use is RARE! We used together and now we are sober together. This is something that normally doesn’t happen but then again he and I have never been normal! TJ is the one person that even when I am mad at him and the world can still make me laugh til I cry. There are days that I am so down right rotten to him because I am dealing with emotions and the devil on my back and he simply tries to make it better or talk me through it. He doesn’t get mad at me or tell me I need to leave or that he wants to leave. He just sits there and lets me say or have whatever attitude I have with him until its’ over and I apolozie because I know I have been a complete arse! I love him for this and so many other things. He is my best friend. He is my rock. I love him!

Sister J at first I thought didn’t like me at all and I was sure she judged me because my mother is my mother and that just pissed me off. But in the past few months I have learned very different. She is funny and knownledge in all that matters: a life walking hand in hand with God. She gives me that motherly advice and sometimes when I really need it she will hold me while I cry. I don’t have to lie about the things I have done because I feel like I can really talk to her. Just the other day I left from work and about half way home I was crying a hard, soulful, loud cry and talking to God. I felt like my head was going to explode and then before I knew it I was at her & Brother J’s door asking if she was still home. I walked in and she just opened her arms and we stood there crying and praying and when I finally felt like I could breath she talked me through one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. I literally felt a since of reliefe as she prayed for me; she is a true prayer warrior and when she prays God hears her words. I left feeling better. Then the next day I came home and crashed out because the darkness of depression wanted to creep in on me and yet again she rescued me by dragging my tale out of bed and telling me I needed to come to church! I didn’t want to but I did and I was glad too because I felt once again a feeling of reliefe when it was all over. She is truly a wonderful person. Who is also pretty funny and kinda sassy at times! But most of all she is a person that I look up too in many ways!

Brother J I cannot explain in words what kind of man he is! Kind, caring, understanding, and generious beyond words. He is a Pastor and a man that truly lives for God. Like his wife Sister J, he doesn’t judge me and hold my past against me. He simply does his best to show me how to live my life better and how to walk with God. You know TJ and I never actually asked him to live in the home he first put us in, we never asked for the jobs he gave us, or for the car he bought for us. He simply gave us jobs so that we can work and have money to pay him for our car and have things for ourselves. Him and his wife has just opened thier lives for us and given us the chance to save ourselves and be someone. Brother J carries with him at all times a comfort that is instantly given out to those when he walks into a room. His guidence and words of wisdom all come from God and a life of expereince. He has helped give me and TJ a chance at living life and having something one day. He knows our story and where we were 6 months ago but he still pushes us to do better and believe in ourselves. Every time I talk to him or see him I learn something new from him and I know that it is something I will need to know in the future. He carries so much on him I imagine and you cannot tell because he doesn’t allow it. His messages from God and being a man who wants to help others are clear to see when he is around. I cannot think of a better man than him! Not to mention he is a really funny guy too!

Those are the 3 main people I have in my life that are my support team!

Of course there are the 5 lil ones here with me and 2 lil ones not here with me that make my heart full of joy and love every time I see them. They may not be mine but they are loved by me deeply and I care about them. It is because of these very 7 children that I am able to smile most days. Thank you for sharing them with me!

There are others that help so much too Christy & her husband James, Christine & her husband Stephen, and even Brother & Sister J’s son Johnboy! And a few others that in thier own way show me that I don’t want to do drugs anymore and be the person I once was! They all help keep me sane and full of hope, love, and desire to do better. Each one doing something different and supporting me in a way that cannot be replaced by another.

They have become my family! And I will forever be grateful!

I love you all so very much!

That is all for now

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q22 | 06+14+19

Q22: What things make you feel bad, but you find yourself doing them anyway?

A22: Thinking of my kids and looking through our pictures!

I cannot help it. I miss their faces, their smiles, I miss every single thing about each one of them but I should not mentally mess myself up and sit and look through our pictures for hours.

THIS IS MY CURRENT SCREENSAVER AT WORK.

I always end up crying and angry for a time and that leaves me just in a horrid state of mind. But i do that day in and day out because I know that for every moment that I sit and cry it only pushes me harder to do my best for them to bring them back home to me.

So yeah, its bad for me. But I do it anyways.

That is all for now

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q15 | 06+07+19

Q15: What are you afraid to ask for? What do you need to speak up about?

A15: I am afraid to ask if TJ really loves me! I need to speak up about addiction & recovery.

The first answer is a touchy topic for me. I don’t talk about our relationship much because I have a lot of insecurities that I hide or at least try to hide them. When we were doing the drugs all we did was fight and spend every waking minute together. Of course there were moments where things were good. During the moments of intimancy things were always intense and almost an all the time thing. Now, that we are sober we have our own lives such as work, hobbies, and relaxing times. We each do our own thing and though we are still spending time together, things are not the same. I sometimes feel like we are roomates who happen to be intimate with each other from time to time. I know that I make him smile and that he cares for me deeply but I am not sure that he is “in love” with me. I don’t feel that tingling touch from him anymore because well he doesn’t touch me much these days. His kisses are pecks never really anything intimate. He used to look at me with desire and fire in his eyes and now I am lucky to get him to really look at me at all. When I walk in a room I want his eyes to fall on mine and I don’t want to question if it is love and desire that I see in them; right now all I see is uncertinaty. He doesn’t try to take me on dates or to do anything really special, he doesn’t ever just stop and hold me and tell me that he loves his life with me and that he is glad to be living this life with me. Now, I know I don’t do these things either and I don’t “try” right now much myself but I don’t want to put my all into this and then get my heart broken. He is the man in our relationship and I have always been very clear on what I need from him; so why don’t he try now? I just want to feel that fire from him that I felt when we first got together. I struggle with this a lot here lately. But I am too afraid of what his honest answer will be if I ask him, do you really love me?

Here we are!

Whoa, now that I am done with that brutally honest answer! I really need to start speaking up about addiction, recovery, and the like! I want to get out more and find others who need help and show them that there are ways to make it out and live a good life. I want to offer support, advice, and more to those in need of help from addiction. Most of the programs available you have to have money and I want to be able to help them no matter if they have money or not. I have began developing a plan to start putting this into action. Baby steps I guess, uh?

That is al for now

@chic_sober

Rant | 06+05+19

For everything inside of me I am struggling the past few days. All I want to do is hold or see my beautuiful babies! Sometimes I find myself in a mid-day frantic because I start to think what if they are forgetting about me?

You know so many people has judge me during this time in my life. All they see though is that one day I was a super-fantastic mom and then

booooooommmmmmmmm!

I’m not a mother anymore because j got custody!

And they think that I just let it happen. That I wanted it that way? Are they insane! Something deeper and much darker was consuming me and I couldn’t fucking stop it! I didn’t just stop wanting or loving them.

I was Freaking sick!

And it was so damm hard to control!

I didn’t know how to deal! I didn’t know that it was going to ruin me and ruin their lives too!

I tried so hard to control it.

Tried to let go.

Tried to hold on.

I freaking failed!

And now he just keeps them away from me! I don’t get no say in my place in thier life?

I get to be erased?

I get to be discontinued?

I get to be forgotten?

they are my children too!!!!!!!!!!

Why does he have to act like he just so damm perfect! Like he knows EVERYTHING! And that he is all that is grand and holy for our children!

Because he has a new wife that PRETENDS SHE IS ME!

I MATTER TO THEM TOO!!!!

I know I made mistakes and bad choices but that does not make me a bad person or a bad mom! No one will ever be able to change that I am thier mother, no matter how much they might want too!

No, one can say that I didn’t love them! Because I did and I do!

I told Judge Hall that I thought they would be better at J & Ash’s place because I knew I couldn’t care for them to the best of my ability at that time!

can you imagine how hard that was for me!?

From front to back:
Jaylynn
Me
Alyssa
Haylie
Zacary

The hardest moment ever in my life! I try to message him! I try to call him! I try to show him that I am doing well and that I am no longer sick and that I can be consistent and steady and sober and live right! But he won’t even answer the damn phone or text message!

I miss the smell of thier childlike skin, the crooked turn in Zacary’s smiles, the goofiness of Haylie’s laugh, the angel like sweetness of Alyssa’s hugs, & the hold of Jaylynn’s hand in mine! I miss the laughs, the …..

I can’t write anymore..

Until next time

Chic_Sober