Foundation Four Self-Care in Recovery: Physical Alertness | 09+12+19

I am not a person who enjoys a 7 day of the week workout. I cannot tell you that I have ever competed a workout challenge in my life. But what I can tell you is that in the past 7 months the more active I have stayed the better I have felt. Just get up and move! Go to the park and walk the track, grab a basketball and shoot some hoops, workout or try yoga once or twice a week. This doesn’t have to be hardcore workouts; you just gotta keep yourself moving every single day! Our bodies need it! Did you know…

Physical | Physical Alertness

www.wellandgood.com
When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine

When we are depressed or suffering from addiction we can often forget to take care of our physical selves. We don’t eat right, sleep right, or anything that we should. That is why our hair falls out or we get dark circles under our eyes. You’ll notice acne begin to appear and your sick more often than not. We deprive ourselves of nutrition and wellness that we need to survive. These things eventually start to get to the point where we are nothing but a walking skin.

I know that I never want my body to ever feel or look that way again. Knowing how much I was depriving myself of I try to make up for that now. Over the past few months or so I can really understand and feel the difference in my body. I think that no matter what struggle your facing or addiction your recovering from being Physically Alert can help your overall general health.

Do you ever think about why so many people mediate? Why there are so many health guru’s? Why fitness products and supplements are almost a #1 world-wide seller? Because it feels good to feel good! Nobody really wants to walk around looking and feeling bad. So if we can start to just get up and get active we can always make sure that we have the foundation for success.

Basketball is so much fun! I am completely horrible at it but I love to play with TJ. He makes it look so easy and I’m over here looking like a hippo in yoga pants trying to do back flips! It just don’t look right. But I have fun while playing and after when my heart is beating and I can feel the endorphins going crazy I just love it! Yoga is another favorite of mine. Once, again I look ridiculous but I absolutely love to take part in it. There is a sense of freedom and relaxation once you get over not looking right. Your body just yearns for the activity and it feels fantastic after. I know most of anyone thinks that yoga is silly or hard but in reality its neither. It’s pretty relaxing and certainly fun.

You won’t ever catch me running or jogging for that matter because I am just not a runner but I do love to walk the track at the park especially because mine has a trail through the woods and that’s my soft-spot! Just being up and moving around instead of on my phone or in front of the TV junkin out on junk food makes you feel better!

I mention these activities because they are my own personal examples of b Physical Alertness. The more active I am the more alter my mind, body, and soul will be to the things in life that will try to bring me down. Staying alert isn’t always easy and if we are dumpy and frumpy we are more likely to let something slip by us and fall into the sadness or lose grip of our willpower. So I cannot tell you how important it is to stay alert and get active for not just your physical being but your mind & soul too! It is going to be hard at first but just push forward and know that once that initial pain is gone you will feel so much better!

WHEN THE BODY IS PHYSICALLY READY THERE IS NOTHING THAT WE CANNOT HANDLE MENTALLY…

Be ready always!

@sober_soul

Foundation Four Self-Care In Recovery: Emotional Reset and Refocus | 09+10+19

This, in my opinion, is the second most important of the Foundation Four Self-Care in Recovery . Our minds take almost the biggest hit when we are in active addiction or suffering from an illness. It doesn’t matter if you’re a drinker, druggie, or self-harmed; guaranteed your mind has gotten some very overwhelming damage. So when we are doing DAILY self-care it is important to remember our mind and emotions. There isn’t a day that I don’t have to Reset & Refocus my mind to better myself for the day ahead or from the day that just ended. See, on some days I have to double down on this step and practice in the morning and in the evening.

Emotional | Reset and Refocus

What can you do to Reset & Refocus? Unclutter that brain of yours! Release the emotions that you felt, address the worries you have, and understand that it is okay to feel the way your feeling. Our emotions can get us into trouble and cause us to do the unthinkable. So focus when you are practicing this and don’t try to do what works for someone else. You have to find what works for you. Keep a journal and write about what you have going on inside emotionally, describe what these emotions are making you feel and how it changes your train of thoughts, what fears to do you have? Affirmations and mediation are a life saver at times and can help us to begin to change the way we see life in general. As well, it can help us to learn and understand our emotions. Take the time to Reset your emotions by getting whatever you are feeling out of your mind and into the world. By this I mean write them down, record a video, talk to a trusted friend or therapist/coach, or simply say them out loud. Keeping our emotions inside can do more harm to us than if we let them be spoken.

Once you have Reset then you need to Refocus and get yourself back inline with your goals, routine, and choices. Know where you are in your life that day and what you have to do to make sure you stay on track. We have to stay focused on the task or items’ at hand to be able to be successful. Write down your goals for the day and add a note on the side on how you are going to get that goal done. Don’t overload yourself with goals or task. Keep it simple. Keep it focused. Remind yourself why you are doing the things you are doing, so that you can Refocus on your life one day at a time.

Our emotional damage that happens during the dark days often can leave us wrecked for years to come. Most of the time recovering addicts or those trying to heal from mental illness don’t allow themselves to feel the emotions that come with getting better. Like when they were using or struggling, they try to find a way of numbing or hiding their emotions only in a more rational way. But that is not a good idea at all and here’s why.

Hiding or numbing our emotions is what we were trying to do during the dark days. We did that by some sort of chemical- mind- altering- substance or “checking out” medication and thus lead us to total destruction of our lives. Now, how can on think it can be rational to hide or numb your emotions at all after that statement? Well, I’ll tell ya. It’s not! Like when we are trying to find the pieces of our souls, we need to embrace the emotions that we are currently feeling. Some days this will be easy because we will have something good happen or accomplish a goal of some sort and the emotions with that are good and beautiful. However, let’s face it. Not every day will our emotions going to be good and beautiful. There will be days that we cry for reasons that only we know, days that we are angry and just don’t want to deal with anyone, or days that all we can do is FEEL EVERY SINGLE BIT OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF OUR PAST ACTIONS! Since we are trying to live a healthy life we at times will try to find a “rational” way to hide or numb these feelings or emotions. But our foundation of recovery should not be to hide or numb anything any longer; that is how we will break our addictions and illnesses. We have to face our emotions one at a time and learn what helps us through those emotions in a healthy way.

So taking time each day to Reset your emotions and then Refocus your mind will allow you to create a habit of embracing what happens whether good or bad and then striving on to live your life healthy and mentally stable. Because if we cannot control our emotions than we will be subject to fall back into the darkness and lose all that we have worked for or all that we will have through recovery.

On the days that it is harder, don’t allow yourself to be alone. Find someone you can trust or find someone who will just hold you and let you be you facing whatever it is your feeling. Remember to find what makes you happy and allow yourself to feel no matter what that emotion is, because so long as you want to live a good life you will be able to. But you have to take time daily to Reset and Refocus your emotions. Some may need to turn up the radio in the car and cry! Some may need to put on their boots and hit the woods and scream at the top of their lungs. Or maybe they might need to go to church and cry out to God and find peace. However, it is that you face your emotions is up to you but it is most important to face them daily.

There is no hiding.

There is no running.

There is no numbing.

So Reset your emotions and Refocus your mind.

That is all for now.

@chic_sober

Foundation Four Self-Care In Recovery: Spiritual Soul Search | 09+08+19

So today begins the first of our four part series: Foundation Four Self-Care in Recovery: Spiritual Soul Search. I want to begin this four part series with the part of Recovery Self-Care that I find to be the most important and the part that will heal you the most, but it also will take the most work. This is not something that will need to be done one time. This part as well as the other three parts of self-care need to be practiced on a daily basis and day by day you will begin to see and feel yourself getting better. After reading, I hope you will share your thoughts as well share this series of post with your friends and loved ones!

Spiritual | Soul Search

This is the very first and in my opinion the most important of Foundation Four Self-Care in Recovery. We know, that living in addiction is like you are living in Hell and it almost completely destroy our souls. Addiction and mental illness creates a theoretical darkness over our heads and in our souls that take the reins and controls every part of us. This is why it is so difficult to beat addiction or heal a mental illness. Our addictions or illnesses don’t just control our mind’s or bodies but also controls and damages our souls. We are by nature, spiritual beings and this will always be. So when addiction or illness takes the reins on your soul…….

soul
/sōl/
noun
1.
the spiritual or immaterial part of a human being or animal, regarded as immortal.
2.
emotional or intellectual energy or intensity, especially as revealed in a work of art or an artistic performance

we become so damaged that it is sometimes seems un-mendable or irreparable. This is why I cannot stress enough how important Spiritual Self-Care is during our recovery journey. I have mentioned before that I call my active addiction days “the Dark Days” and that is so true because it is like darkness consumes our souls and destroys us. So once we begin to come out of active addiction and into recovery we have to mend the spiritual damage that has been done to us. Of course there has been emotional and physical and sensorial damage as well, but I will get to those later in the series. Now, I don’t want to force region on anyone nor do I want to offend anyone, but if you are a follower of my blog than you probably know at this point that I very much have began to walk my life with God’s plan. I believe that his spirit dwells within me and that he is the one that brought me out of my addiction. Now, that I have said that I want to say that when I am talking of Spiritual Self-Care I don’t necessarily mean that you need to find God. What I mean, is to find your soul and find yourself again. There are many different parts that make us who we are; like a very complex puzzle that was put together to make us who we are. When we are in active addiction or suffering from mental illness those pieces are strolled everywhere. Once we make the choice to start on recovery we have to set out to find all of those pieces that make up our own puzzle.

This is the part I call Soul Searching.

Because we have lost all of ourselves during our addiction it is going to be intensely difficult to find what we have lost, but it is possible. Once we get started on our journey of recovery we will have pieces of our lives begin to come together without us even realizing that this is happening and that is a beautiful thing. However, the part of our lives that won’t just fall together is the healing of our souls and the understanding of who we are now, that we have been an addict and suffered from a mental illness and finally began to overcome the things we thought we could not. So how do you Soul Search? How do you start to find and understand yourself when you have been so lost for so long? Well, you have already started to find those two very parts when you have made the choice to get sober or not suffer any longer. Now, this is where life will get real intense incredibly fast. Because you have to face not only the part of your life where you were using or suffering, but you have to face the parts of your life BEFORE using as well. You need to identify what lead you to your addiction or illness. In an earlier post I made called “Reasons Why” I talked about this. We all have reasons why we began using in the first place. To truly recover we need to face these parts of ourselves first.

I recently spoke with a fellow blogger, Adriana, who also battled with addiction. She said that once she realized what the reason was that lead her to use, which she called “a hole in her soul,” she could then use it to help her recover after her addiction. She also noted that this reason dated back all the way to her childhood and I couldn’t agree more. We have won’t all have traumatic or bad childhood’s I know, but the point is that we have to identify and understand what originally damaged our soul in the first place. This is so important for our recovery and to have continuous sobriety for years to come. So when your starting this journey of recovery this needs to be your very first priority. Find your pieces to your soul. Heal your soul. Rebuild your soul.

How can we do that? Writing or creating this blog has had an incredible impact in finding my soul again. Writing all these post and really thinking, addressing, confessing, proclaiming, and so much more here on Sober Soul has given me the ability to find so many different pieces of my own personal puzzle. So again how do you find your soul? How do you soul search? You address your faults, your insecurities, your mistakes, your past! You identify them and then begin to heal from them. Now, I do this on my own. I have always been a person who prefers to deal with her own emotions and spirituality, but if that is not something you can do on your own then find a Life Coach or Sobriety Coach and they can help you to do so. My suggestions is to talk about your life, write about your life, forgive yourself, and remind yourself on a daily basis what you want for your life. We also need to think about who we want to be, what we want to do in our lives, how we want to put our mark on this world, and the ways to get there.

Really understanding what makes you spiritually happy will allow you to break that hold that the darkness has had on your soul. So slowly you will start to find the pieces of yourself that were lost during those dark days. Continuously search for a better you! Doing this daily will allow you to always have the opportunity to be a better version of yourself, do better things in life, and be more successful in life as well.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my dark days and how it completely ruined my life. However, I remind myself that I am not a user any longer and that I have overcome that in my life and that makes me stronger. So many people don’t believe in themselves enough to stop or heal and recover. They think that they need a doctor or therapist or medication to do so and that is just not always true. There is a way to heal but you have to be willing to always put in the work that it will require. You will have to really understand who you are and what makes you happy. It is our minds and our souls to have control over and really understanding who we are is our responsibility. So practice Soul Searching everyday. Don’t ever give up on yourself and mental state of wellness. Always look for those pieces of yourself that are lost because we are the only ones that can see them and put them into the place that they belong (besides God). It won’t always be pretty nor will it ever be easy but I can guarantee you that it will be rewarding.

This is your life. This is your soul. This is your sobriety. This is your mental state of wellness. This is your recovery

Don’t let something or someone else control what is YOURS!

That is all for now.

@chic_sober

Foundation Four Self-Care in Recovery: Series of Four Steps to Recovery Success | 09+06+19

Wow! Yesterday, I was not in a good place. I am intensely glad that this blog has a “Save Draft” button because I was about to get really dark on you guys. Now, of course I’ve done that a time or two but this was just really dark and though I’m not deleting it I won’t be posting it right now either. But it has reminded me that I needed to take a step back and remember who I am, what I am doing, how I got here, and what I am doing everything for.

I need to remember to self-care!

During our active addiction we do anything but self-care. We torture and torment our mind, body, and soul. We don’t think about self-care and how important it is for our everyday life. That is what I want to talk with you all about. Because it is extremely important for our sobriety to have self-care.

If you Google or Pinterest the words self-care you will see a million and one things. You’ll see quotes, or fitness tips, self-care charts, self-care challenges, and lots more. But self-care is different when your in recovery, because lets face it you are working overtime on this and things need to be addressed different. Your mind, body, and soul are not the same as someone who isn’t in recovery so things are drastically deeper than just your everyday self-care needs. So how do you take self-care and put it to work?

I am not a doctor or therapist or addiction counselor so please remember that. I am just giving advice on self-care in ways that it has worked for me over the past seven months.

Sober Soul is here, on this big world wide web because I want to help even at least one person through their darkness and show them that there is a way out and that we can live a good and healthy and beautiful life even after addiction or a dark time in our lives. I normally share my thoughts and opinions on a certain topic relating to addiction or mental health and go on about my own journey, but the past few weeks I have really been thinking of information that I would really be beneficial to those wanting to get sober, those in early sobriety, as well as anyone needing a foundation for bettering themselves after a dark time in their life.

I could sit here all day and list the different types of self-care but I want to talk to you about what I like to call….

For me, the steps of Foundation Four Self-Care in Recovery have kept me focused, happy, alive, and in recovery. I cannot tell you enough how much the Foundation Four has helped! These are not things that I learned in a class or in a meeting, but they are four parts of myself that I have taken extreme self-care in and found that without them I feel as if I cannot succeed. So therefore I want to share with you in detail each one of the four and hopefully they will help you too.

In this series I will dive deep into four parts of personal self-care that isn’t found anywhere else on the world wide web and put a whole new meaning to “Finding Yourself”!

These four foundations are:

  • Spiritual Soul Search
  • Emotional Reset and Refocus
  • Physical Alertness
  • Sensorial Embrace

Each and every single one of them make up each other and create the whole that we are trying to put together. We are getting another chance at being who we were meant to be and it is so important to be the best version of ourselves. I truly believe that we can begin #breakingaddiction and #healingmentalillness by practicing self-care.

I hope that you will enjoy and that if you will share with me your thoughts on the series.

That is all for now.

@chic_sober

Questions with Adriana | 09+04+19

I follow many different blogs and I find it super refreshing when I find one that is in the niche of sober living. There are not many of us bloggers that will be open and honest about the life we were living before we got sober, but I do believe I have found my idol in the bloggers world. Her name is Adriana Kupresak and not only is she beautiful but she is real and raw and honest about her time as an alcoholic and how it destroyed her life. She talk’s deeply about her battle with men as well and the terribly difficult times she had in her past relationships. Adriana will hit the 3 year mark of being sober come September 11, 2019 and she lives such a beautiful and glamorous life; all without the drugs or booze!

Adriana Kupresak | image found on google | I own no copyrights tot this image or any other images shared of Adriana

I emailed Adriana and asked her if she would so kindly do a quick Q & A with me so that I could share more about her here on Sober Soul and she agree! Now, I know you guys will love her! She is the sweetest and incredibly real. I can’t wait to share with you what she and I talked about. So keep an eye out for her Guest Blogger post and be sure to show her some love once it’s live!

Well, that is all for now!

@chic_sober

*all images copyright Adriana Kupresak & her team.

Reason’s Why | 08+14+19

There is always a reason…..

that we use drugs. Now, I’m not talking about those phony reason’s addicts give like, “I wanted to see what it was like” or “just because I wanted too” no I am talking about those deep dark wounds that eat away at us until we decide that we cannot handle it any longer and we use for the first time.

I am talking deep dark reason’s!

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), 19.7 million American adults (aged 12 and older) battled a substance use disorder in 2017.1

I would almost bet that at least one person that lives on your street is a drug user or at least has been a drug user. Why? Because so many of us battle with this! Addiction and Mental Health Disorders (MHD) are becoming an epidemic and we need to try and stop it! Now, that I have mentioned MHD’s you should know that they go hand in hand with Addiction and shouldn’t be taken lightly!

In 2017, 8.5 million American adults suffered from both a mental health disorder and a substance use disorder, or co-occurring disorders.1

Now, let me say this. If you have never suffered from a mental health disorder or a substance use disorder you might say that it is non-nonsence and that those who use or battle with mental health should just “say no to drugs” or “see the brighter side of life” and then everything will be just fine!

I ASSURE IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY…..

Throughout my childhood I remember seeing so many people drink, smoke weed, and be “high” of course I didn’t know that then but I know it now. My mom and I once lived in a motel that was connected to a bar so that she didn’t have to worry about driving or finding me a sitter! In fact I would watch myself most nights and that was Okay with me. Now, don’t think badly of my mother because she loved me and I knew that every second of everyday! She always told me so.

She simply was an addict and couldn’t find her stopping point. In fact, she wouldn’t find her stopping point until after I started using drugs and then stopped using them myself!

Anyhow, the reason I told you that short little story is I can remember the feeling of seeing my mom drunk, the feeling of loniliness, the feeling of fear, and most the feeling of anger that I was never going to drink those ” silly drinks” that my mom drank. I didin’t want to ever want to put my kids in that situation. I had always lived by that defining moment in my life.

Of course once I got married and began my struggle with my own MHD I would later find that my own struggle would be worse than what my mother put me through; with my own children.

I wish I had known that my depression and anxiety and feelings of not being good enough in my marriage to J would lead me to self destruction! I wish that I had know that what I was dealing with wasn’t normal and that I needed help!

However, I was too good at hiding my pain! And I had never experienced depression or anxiety or anything of the sorts. I was always just the one to take care of people such as my mom or myself or my friends. I didn’t understand that my 8 year marriage to J was destructive and mentally abusive and that I was sick by the time it ended.

My mental health disorder was my reason……

My dark deep reason for using I now know was that I never felt good enough. I never felt like I was going to amount to anything because I always needed someone to be there for me as an adult.

You see growing up I took care of myself and my mom but once I fell so deeply in love with J I relied on him for my happiness! And instead of real happiness he devoured me in lies, heartache, unworthiness, and tears. So I never got to be happy and I never really got my independence back until 6 months ago when I decided to get clean and sober.

Now, I’m not trying to say that J is the reason I was a user.

I am that reason. My emotions. My decisions. My own darkness.

We have additional add on features that help us most of the time. Such as the mental illiness that I delveloped from being married to J, my gentics on both side of parents who are users/addicts, and people, places, and things.

However, we all have that ONE REASON that we use.

That is mine. I needed to exscape that feeling of not being worthy, of not being an independent mother, of not having the ability to care for myself or my children properly.

Once I divorced J my mother was always around. There were times here and there that she would get locked up or whatever and I would find myself on my own. Of course I would run to someone and ask for help. I would never do it on my own!

I didn’t believe in myself enough to try and do it on my own.

All the while I see TJ and his at the time wife in active heavy meth addiction. I would cry and cry and cry for them and wish that they would see that life wasn’t good being a user and I would rescue them from whatever issue they had gotten themselves into.

Little did I know that I would become a second runner for being the worst of the worst.

But I remember the first time I did a pain pill! Now, I am not going to state who gave me that first taste of my high’s because this person is a good person she is just lost! So we will call her “Jessie”

I was hurting. My stomach was in unbearable pain. So Jessie told me to take a pill. What she meant was to snort it. Just snot a little line and it will hit you fast and you wont feel a thing. In fact, you will feel loads better and might help me clean this house!”

Now, lets hit the pause button. I was hurting but I knew I didn’t want to open the door for that. I knew that I come from addicts and that I didn’t want to open that door for myself.

And then again…..

I knew that Jessie and everyone else who used pain pills felt like a million bucks without overdoing it. They didn’t lose a bunch of weight or act like idiots or get crater face! So maybe I could just do a few lines of the pills and feel good for a while! I have self control and this I know!

Unpause!

I did it. I snorted my first pill and it was exhilerating! I felt no pain and I did help her clean that house! And I played outside with my kids for hours and then after they went to bed I did it again and then before I knew it my body couldn’t function without it!

I didn’t care though. I felt good. I didn’t worry so much about not being good enough for anyone. I still was managing!

It didnt’ take long before I was spending $350 a day on Roxy’s and almost overdosed 3 times! I was out of control and everyone could see it!

Especially, J! He took his opportunity and got temp custody and when he did I was done for! I said no I will not keep doing this I am going to get my kids back and I have got to stop doing pills!

But then the withdrawls! Oh they were worse than anything I have ever been through. I couldn’t do it; it was too much.

So Jessie had an idea! She said ” Do you trust me?” and I said of course I trust you!

Well, then she told me that she knew a way that I could come off the Roxy’s without feeling the withdrawls. Oh I was all ears at this point! But then she tells me that what she is talking about is using METH for just 1 whole week. I won’t feel the pain of withdrawing and since METH dont’ have no real addiction qualities I will be able to stop. No one will ever know!

I faught it yall!

I did.

But the pain was too much and I looked around and my kids were gone and I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was not feel this pain both physcal and mentally.

So I used METH and my life was over. Oh don’t get me wrong Jessie was right that I wouldn’t want the pills no more nor would I feel that pain. But she was wrong when she said I would be able to stop.

I didn’t and I kept going and I became a monster. I became someone I never thought I would be.

Now, what if I had never felt that feeling of not being good enough? That feeling of unworthiness. That feeling of failing in so many ways.

Would I have ever used drugs or pain medication?

I true don’t think I would have.

That was my reason! I deleveloped a serious mental health issue that lead me to using and I don’t wish that on anyone!

Ask any user or recovering addict why they began to use and I assure that they will pinpoint it back to some form of mental health issue or feeling of not being good enough!

I know that we can fix this! Our generation is brilliant and there has to be a way to reduce the risk of mental illiness thus reducing drug abuse!

That is all for now.

chic_sober

Statisics found at

https://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/addiction-statistics

Devine Understanding|08+12+19

The most recent picture I have of them
From left to right
Jaylynn | 7
Alyssa | 9
Zacary | 13
Haylie | 12

I love you and I miss you all so very much…..

This isn’t something I find myself doing a lot of here lately. Talking about my children. It is not because I don’t care or miss them, but in fact it is the opposite; its painfully hard to talk about them most days. But that is something that with lots of prayer I am going to change.

For me since getting sober there has been stages of consciousness of realization!

Stage 1 | Guilt overload

This stage is when I was fresh off the dope and my mind and body was still affected by the drugs and all I could do was either 1. feel sorry for myself or 2. feel an extreme amount of guilt for what I had done and how I lost custody of my kids. During this stage all I couldn’t speak thier name or look at a picture or hear a story about them because if I did all I would do is cry, get angry, or want to get high to forget! So I didn’t talk, let anyone talk, or look at thier pictures! I was in this stage for about 2 months or so.

Stage 2 | Acceptance and/or Acknowledgement

During this stage I began to come back to myself. I started to allow myself to feel things without getting overwhelmed. I didn’t let myself get angry or feel so much guilt because I knew I was on the right track. By the this point I started downloading all the pictures I could find of them and saved them to my screensaver and lockscreen. I was super emotional about the fact that I was missing out on a lot of things! All I wanted to do was consume myself in everything that dealt with my kids. I however, also accepted that I had made choices that now keep me away from them and the only way top fix that was to continue to stay clean and find a better life for myself. I was in this stage for about 1 n half months or so.

Stage 3 | Emotional Desire

This was the hardest stage for me since getting my act together. I found myself constantly asking God why I was ever given my children if he was going to keep me from them. I wanted them in my life now, I wanted to talk to them now, and I didn’t want to wait to share my good news with them for later; I wanted to share it now. Mentally I knew that I wasn’t ready to have them back because I still had things to work on but emotionally that didn’t matter! Emotionally all I wanted to do was be in thier presence, touch and hold them, hear thier voices. I was really worried about myself during this stage but I managed to make it through. I found video’s of my kids and listened and watched them over and over and over again. I creid so much! I laughed! I showed those video’s to whoever was around me about 10000 times! I gave myself the best possible medicine for being without them: hearing thier voices! I was in this stage for 3 months or so and it about killed me.

Stage 4 | Devine Understanding

And this is where I am at now with my children. I have a new Devine Understanding about the kids being in my life. This is been hard on me to really find some kind of peace. There has been days that I didn’t get out of bed until my Pastor’s wife came and dragged me out herself. Most this the stage where I learned! I have began my walk with God (getting Baptized and recieveing the Holy Ghost) and what he has taught me has forever changed my life. I can finally fine some peace in my heart about them. I have been in church crying my biggest cry to God, I have had people praying with me without knowing what I am praying for, I have had an extreme amount of spirit be put through my body and I know that God has been planning this all along. He has given me his Devine Understanding about me as a mother and them as my children. God, has showed me that he needs me to be ready to recieve them back into my life. He needs me to be financially, mentally, emotionally, physchally, & substancially ready to have them back. I am not fully there yet but when I am is when he will bring them back into my life. He needed me to be this person with this kind of devotion and dedication in me to truly love and serve him as I should. I know what he is asking of me and I will prove that I am true in my walk with him. I thank God for the blessings he has given me. This stage will be my final stage until they are with me again!


With all that being said, I miss them and wish that J would just answer the phone or video calls and let me talk to them even once a week. I know I did a lot wrong but I am thier mother and regardless one day they will see me again. I know J and Ash are taking great care of them but do they really love them if they keep me out? I can understand if I am using or acting a fool, but I am not that person anymore and they won’t even give me a chance to show them otherwise! Do they not understand that we are all human and make mistakes? Either way I continue to pray for them.

I do believe its time I share my letters to my kids on here. I wrote each of my kids a letter a few weeks back and wasn’t going to share them but I need to!

Mama loves you guys!

That is all for now.

@chic_sober