28 Questions Q14 | 06+06+19

Q14: What would your younger self be proud of you for today?

A14: How I have managed to overcome the obstacles I have and

I have been through a lot. Then again everyone says that right? I imagine that no one has had the perfect life without struggles or heartaches. However, in my own personal life I know my younger self would be proud of me today. What I have been through in the past 7-10 years is beyond words.

I was one to never believe I would struggle with addictions, depression, or who I was deep down in my soul. When Zacary and Haylie were just lil babies I was certain I would do everything the way I was supposed to without real struggle at all. I mean I knew my marriage was on the rocks because J was always messing around. However, I loved him with all of my heart and soul and thought I would be able to become the woman he needed me to be and things would be fine. Of course I was wrong and as I got older I slowly realized I would be enough and later he wouldn’t be enough for me any longer either.

Single mom of 4 come the time of our divorce and followed up with depression to pair with a nasty pain pill addiction just leaded me to the final two disaster of my life: METH & LOSING MY CHILDREN.

Falling into my “Devil Days” {THIS IS WHAT I CALL MY DAYS OF USING METH}

Made my depression worse and where I was normally fairly in control of my emotions, choices, mind, body & soul, I lost all control once the Devil Days began. There was not a soul on the face of this earth that could save me; not even my children.

It took God to save me.

I have said before that I’ve never been a religious person but God is the one who pulled me out. TJ helped me to stop but I remember prayer after prayer after prayer in the months before asking God to help me stop or take me out of this world because I couldn’t stand it anymore.

And he delivered!

I am now over 160 days sober and my soul is rebuilding itself to who she needs to be. Everyday I get up and I am excited for my life. I have goals, determination, dreams, willingness to live, wants, laughs, smiles, and so much more.

The Devil Days took those from me and now God has given them back. Of course I am without my children and because of that I am not whole yet. But I know I will one day.

My younger self would look at me and see someone who knows how to survive in the worst moments of life, who knows what it is like to be homeless and hungry, someone that is not taking for granted that she is alive today. She would see strength in her eyes and gentleness in her heart. She would see a smile that, although is genuine, also holds a thousand tears. Younger me would find the determination I show inspiring and remarkable. She would see that the woman I am now is strong, loving, funny, kind, truthful, and a lover of God.

She would be proud of me because she would know that the person I used to be even before my Devil Days, isn’t even half of who I am becoming today.

She would say “No matter what the haters say about you, never forget they have not walked in your shoes. Don’t allow their desire to see you fall weaken your determination to be great. And look at yourself every morning when you start your day and say I am in love with my life and I am in love with myself and I am better than I ever was before. And it is OK to be happy….I am proud of you!”

That is all for now!

@chic_sober

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