There is always a reason…..
that we use drugs. Now, I’m not talking about those phony reason’s addicts give like, “I wanted to see what it was like” or “just because I wanted too” no I am talking about those deep dark wounds that eat away at us until we decide that we cannot handle it any longer and we use for the first time.
I am talking deep dark reason’s!
According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), 19.7 million American adults (aged 12 and older) battled a substance use disorder in 2017.1
I would almost bet that at least one person that lives on your street is a drug user or at least has been a drug user. Why? Because so many of us battle with this! Addiction and Mental Health Disorders (MHD) are becoming an epidemic and we need to try and stop it! Now, that I have mentioned MHD’s you should know that they go hand in hand with Addiction and shouldn’t be taken lightly!
In 2017, 8.5 million American adults suffered from both a mental health disorder and a substance use disorder, or co-occurring disorders.1
Now, let me say this. If you have never suffered from a mental health disorder or a substance use disorder you might say that it is non-nonsence and that those who use or battle with mental health should just “say no to drugs” or “see the brighter side of life” and then everything will be just fine!
I ASSURE IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY…..
Throughout my childhood I remember seeing so many people drink, smoke weed, and be “high” of course I didn’t know that then but I know it now. My mom and I once lived in a motel that was connected to a bar so that she didn’t have to worry about driving or finding me a sitter! In fact I would watch myself most nights and that was Okay with me. Now, don’t think badly of my mother because she loved me and I knew that every second of everyday! She always told me so.
She simply was an addict and couldn’t find her stopping point. In fact, she wouldn’t find her stopping point until after I started using drugs and then stopped using them myself!
Anyhow, the reason I told you that short little story is I can remember the feeling of seeing my mom drunk, the feeling of loniliness, the feeling of fear, and most the feeling of anger that I was never going to drink those ” silly drinks” that my mom drank. I didin’t want to ever want to put my kids in that situation. I had always lived by that defining moment in my life.
Of course once I got married and began my struggle with my own MHD I would later find that my own struggle would be worse than what my mother put me through; with my own children.
I wish I had known that my depression and anxiety and feelings of not being good enough in my marriage to J would lead me to self destruction! I wish that I had know that what I was dealing with wasn’t normal and that I needed help!
However, I was too good at hiding my pain! And I had never experienced depression or anxiety or anything of the sorts. I was always just the one to take care of people such as my mom or myself or my friends. I didn’t understand that my 8 year marriage to J was destructive and mentally abusive and that I was sick by the time it ended.
My mental health disorder was my reason……
My dark deep reason for using I now know was that I never felt good enough. I never felt like I was going to amount to anything because I always needed someone to be there for me as an adult.
You see growing up I took care of myself and my mom but once I fell so deeply in love with J I relied on him for my happiness! And instead of real happiness he devoured me in lies, heartache, unworthiness, and tears. So I never got to be happy and I never really got my independence back until 6 months ago when I decided to get clean and sober.
Now, I’m not trying to say that J is the reason I was a user.
I am that reason. My emotions. My decisions. My own darkness.
We have additional add on features that help us most of the time. Such as the mental illiness that I delveloped from being married to J, my gentics on both side of parents who are users/addicts, and people, places, and things.
However, we all have that ONE REASON that we use.
That is mine. I needed to exscape that feeling of not being worthy, of not being an independent mother, of not having the ability to care for myself or my children properly.
Once I divorced J my mother was always around. There were times here and there that she would get locked up or whatever and I would find myself on my own. Of course I would run to someone and ask for help. I would never do it on my own!
I didn’t believe in myself enough to try and do it on my own.
All the while I see TJ and his at the time wife in active heavy meth addiction. I would cry and cry and cry for them and wish that they would see that life wasn’t good being a user and I would rescue them from whatever issue they had gotten themselves into.
Little did I know that I would become a second runner for being the worst of the worst.
But I remember the first time I did a pain pill! Now, I am not going to state who gave me that first taste of my high’s because this person is a good person she is just lost! So we will call her “Jessie”
I was hurting. My stomach was in unbearable pain. So Jessie told me to take a pill. What she meant was to snort it. Just snot a little line and it will hit you fast and you wont feel a thing. In fact, you will feel loads better and might help me clean this house!”
Now, lets hit the pause button. I was hurting but I knew I didn’t want to open the door for that. I knew that I come from addicts and that I didn’t want to open that door for myself.
And then again…..
I knew that Jessie and everyone else who used pain pills felt like a million bucks without overdoing it. They didn’t lose a bunch of weight or act like idiots or get crater face! So maybe I could just do a few lines of the pills and feel good for a while! I have self control and this I know!
I did it. I snorted my first pill and it was exhilerating! I felt no pain and I did help her clean that house! And I played outside with my kids for hours and then after they went to bed I did it again and then before I knew it my body couldn’t function without it!
I didn’t care though. I felt good. I didn’t worry so much about not being good enough for anyone. I still was managing!
It didnt’ take long before I was spending $350 a day on Roxy’s and almost overdosed 3 times! I was out of control and everyone could see it!
Especially, J! He took his opportunity and got temp custody and when he did I was done for! I said no I will not keep doing this I am going to get my kids back and I have got to stop doing pills!
But then the withdrawls! Oh they were worse than anything I have ever been through. I couldn’t do it; it was too much.
So Jessie had an idea! She said ” Do you trust me?” and I said of course I trust you!
Well, then she told me that she knew a way that I could come off the Roxy’s without feeling the withdrawls. Oh I was all ears at this point! But then she tells me that what she is talking about is using METH for just 1 whole week. I won’t feel the pain of withdrawing and since METH dont’ have no real addiction qualities I will be able to stop. No one will ever know!
I faught it yall!
But the pain was too much and I looked around and my kids were gone and I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was not feel this pain both physcal and mentally.
So I used METH and my life was over. Oh don’t get me wrong Jessie was right that I wouldn’t want the pills no more nor would I feel that pain. But she was wrong when she said I would be able to stop.
I didn’t and I kept going and I became a monster. I became someone I never thought I would be.
Now, what if I had never felt that feeling of not being good enough? That feeling of unworthiness. That feeling of failing in so many ways.
Would I have ever used drugs or pain medication?
I true don’t think I would have.
That was my reason! I deleveloped a serious mental health issue that lead me to using and I don’t wish that on anyone!
Ask any user or recovering addict why they began to use and I assure that they will pinpoint it back to some form of mental health issue or feeling of not being good enough!
I know that we can fix this! Our generation is brilliant and there has to be a way to reduce the risk of mental illiness thus reducing drug abuse!
That is all for now.
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