28 Questions Q14 | 06+06+19

Q14: What would your younger self be proud of you for today?

A14: How I have managed to overcome the obstacles I have and

I have been through a lot. Then again everyone says that right? I imagine that no one has had the perfect life without struggles or heartaches. However, in my own personal life I know my younger self would be proud of me today. What I have been through in the past 7-10 years is beyond words.

I was one to never believe I would struggle with addictions, depression, or who I was deep down in my soul. When Zacary and Haylie were just lil babies I was certain I would do everything the way I was supposed to without real struggle at all. I mean I knew my marriage was on the rocks because J was always messing around. However, I loved him with all of my heart and soul and thought I would be able to become the woman he needed me to be and things would be fine. Of course I was wrong and as I got older I slowly realized I would be enough and later he wouldn’t be enough for me any longer either.

Single mom of 4 come the time of our divorce and followed up with depression to pair with a nasty pain pill addiction just leaded me to the final two disaster of my life: METH & LOSING MY CHILDREN.

Falling into my “Devil Days” {THIS IS WHAT I CALL MY DAYS OF USING METH}

Made my depression worse and where I was normally fairly in control of my emotions, choices, mind, body & soul, I lost all control once the Devil Days began. There was not a soul on the face of this earth that could save me; not even my children.

It took God to save me.

I have said before that I’ve never been a religious person but God is the one who pulled me out. TJ helped me to stop but I remember prayer after prayer after prayer in the months before asking God to help me stop or take me out of this world because I couldn’t stand it anymore.

And he delivered!

I am now over 160 days sober and my soul is rebuilding itself to who she needs to be. Everyday I get up and I am excited for my life. I have goals, determination, dreams, willingness to live, wants, laughs, smiles, and so much more.

The Devil Days took those from me and now God has given them back. Of course I am without my children and because of that I am not whole yet. But I know I will one day.

My younger self would look at me and see someone who knows how to survive in the worst moments of life, who knows what it is like to be homeless and hungry, someone that is not taking for granted that she is alive today. She would see strength in her eyes and gentleness in her heart. She would see a smile that, although is genuine, also holds a thousand tears. Younger me would find the determination I show inspiring and remarkable. She would see that the woman I am now is strong, loving, funny, kind, truthful, and a lover of God.

She would be proud of me because she would know that the person I used to be even before my Devil Days, isn’t even half of who I am becoming today.

She would say “No matter what the haters say about you, never forget they have not walked in your shoes. Don’t allow their desire to see you fall weaken your determination to be great. And look at yourself every morning when you start your day and say I am in love with my life and I am in love with myself and I am better than I ever was before. And it is OK to be happy….I am proud of you!”

That is all for now!

@chic_sober

Rant | 06+05+19

For everything inside of me I am struggling the past few days. All I want to do is hold or see my beautuiful babies! Sometimes I find myself in a mid-day frantic because I start to think what if they are forgetting about me?

You know so many people has judge me during this time in my life. All they see though is that one day I was a super-fantastic mom and then

booooooommmmmmmmm!

I’m not a mother anymore because j got custody!

And they think that I just let it happen. That I wanted it that way? Are they insane! Something deeper and much darker was consuming me and I couldn’t fucking stop it! I didn’t just stop wanting or loving them.

I was Freaking sick!

And it was so damm hard to control!

I didn’t know how to deal! I didn’t know that it was going to ruin me and ruin their lives too!

I tried so hard to control it.

Tried to let go.

Tried to hold on.

I freaking failed!

And now he just keeps them away from me! I don’t get no say in my place in thier life?

I get to be erased?

I get to be discontinued?

I get to be forgotten?

they are my children too!!!!!!!!!!

Why does he have to act like he just so damm perfect! Like he knows EVERYTHING! And that he is all that is grand and holy for our children!

Because he has a new wife that PRETENDS SHE IS ME!

I MATTER TO THEM TOO!!!!

I know I made mistakes and bad choices but that does not make me a bad person or a bad mom! No one will ever be able to change that I am thier mother, no matter how much they might want too!

No, one can say that I didn’t love them! Because I did and I do!

I told Judge Hall that I thought they would be better at J & Ash’s place because I knew I couldn’t care for them to the best of my ability at that time!

can you imagine how hard that was for me!?

From front to back:
Jaylynn
Me
Alyssa
Haylie
Zacary

The hardest moment ever in my life! I try to message him! I try to call him! I try to show him that I am doing well and that I am no longer sick and that I can be consistent and steady and sober and live right! But he won’t even answer the damn phone or text message!

I miss the smell of thier childlike skin, the crooked turn in Zacary’s smiles, the goofiness of Haylie’s laugh, the angel like sweetness of Alyssa’s hugs, & the hold of Jaylynn’s hand in mine! I miss the laughs, the …..

I can’t write anymore..

Until next time

Chic_Sober

28 Questions Q12 | 06+04+19

Q12: What things make you feel happy to be alive?

A12: My children, laughing, photography, and being outdoors

I know that they are not physically with me but my children are always here with me in mind and heart. For the last few years I have tried to block out the emotions of being without them because I didn’t want to accept my responsibility in the that. But I am able to do so now. I feel those emotions and they remind me why I’m here.

Laughing is something I didn’t do for the longest time to. But now I am able to. I need to be able to laugh so that I can heal and continue to live a healthy life. Laughing always makes us feel alive. People should focus on that more than they do the negatives and I’m sure their lives would be so much more fulfilled.

Photography has always been a stress reliever for me. Something happens when I put that camera in my hands. It’s like I am transported to another place. It makes me feel alive & happy

Sample of my photography work

Being outdoors hasn’t always been my thing. But over the years I have grown to love hiking, trial walking, and just sitting outside. The beautiful scenery and open sky and sounds of nature just give you a whole new meaning of peace.

Well, that is all for now..

Until next time.

chic_sober

28 Questions Q11 | 06+03+19

Q11: How would you describe yourself in a loving way to a stranger?

A11: She is a beautitufl, crazy, passioniate, stubborn, independent mess!

Strong mentally but soft hearted. At times she can be as stubborn as the day is long, but when you get through her walls you will find a funny, good hearted, caring and passionate woman.

Oh, but she is crazy! Emotional but it comes out to be good because it shows just how muhc love she poccesses inside of her. Just don’t get her mad because when you do it’s gonna be a long night of talking til its fixed or a silent til sunrise kind of event.

She don’t need your help either! But if your the right person, she will let you in and allow you to be there for her, for when she does fall. because we all fall, don’t we?

She is a mess. Looks controlled and put together but on the inside she is thinking of everything and everyone, all that could go wrong, what she needs to do better, how she can make things better, what is affecting those around her, and how to please everyone else too.

But on the outside you will never tell!

She is simple a beautiful, crazy passionate, subborn, indepedent mess!

That is all for now

Until next time

Chic_Sober

28 Questions Q10 | 06+02+19

Q10: How can you set better boundaries in you life?

A10: REEVALUATE my boundaries

I really like to live my life without boundaries. For some people living their life like this it would be a disaster for sure. However, for me it works now days.

Why?

Simply, because I know:

  • What NOT to do in my life
  • What TO DO in my life
  • What I CANNOT handle in my life
  • What I CAN handle in my life
  • What I NEED in my life
  • What I DO NOT NEED in my life

I have lived through things I normally wound not have ever thought I could. Now, the one thing I pray I don’t go through is losing the life of one of my children, espeically any time soon. So don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

However.

Knowing the things above I can better live my life. I don’t set boundaries for myself because I have taken the time REEVALUATE MY LIFE! This happens to work for me. I don’t want to live that life of hardship and chaos anymore so I simply make the choices to stay away from anything that may cause that in my life. I know what leads to that life and I know what comes with that life.

Therefor my knowledge of what was IS MY BOUNDARY! And if someone tries to put me back into that life they are crossing it and I shut them out!

That is all for now

Until next time.

Chic_Sober

Chic_Sober Spotlight | 06+01+19

I wanted to share a few stories with you all from people that are currently going through the recovery process. Some are just starting their journey and some have been in recovery for years. Either way thier stories are all different but each wonderful and interesting.

I am a member of a Facebook group called CLEAN & SOBER- Addiction Recovery Support Group. Here in this group of over 56,000 members you will find constant beautiful support and encouragement. Members are welcomed daily and share their stories, struggles, fears, accomplishments, & support. I was hesitant at first to make any real post because I didn’t want people judging. However, that is not what your going to find in this group. Everyone there knows what your going through and they honestly want to help! There are some members that post more than others but guarantee that whether or not they are posting; they are reading and getting support they need. There is some kind of comfort knowing that there is someone out there currently going through what your going through and making it!

On the days that someone is having a bad day and they post about it you will find hundreds of comments full of encouragement and support to make it better. You’ll find FB Live video’s on a regular basis because it helps to create a family of support. And believe me they talk about EVERYTHING! But they also laugh, cry, pray, and encourage each other.

Its a beautiful thing.

So I asked for anyone who might want to do a Q&A series with me for the blog and I got a few takers! I was extremely excited and can’t wait to share with you what I learned and the journey’s of these courageous people.

I’ll be sharing each person’s story on a separate post because I want to give them their own spotlight. Please be kind and understand it takes a lot for some to share. I hope you enjoy this series as much as I do!

Remember

Recovery is Freedom

That is all for now

@sobersoulchic

28 Questions Q9 | 06+01+19

Q9: What’s something in your life that you need to get rid of?

A9: my smoking habit

I have gone from completely destroying my body with drugs, sleep derivation, and mal-nutrition to the complete opposites and living healthy. Now, if I can just kick my smoking habit I will be doing just fine.

I might be able to workout and start jogging but while I’m smoking I just can’t do it because it takes all the oxygen out of me. My goal is to quit by August so we will see. I’m slowing down but it is a far stretch to say I’ll be able to quit by then.

Maybe I can start Vaping?

Is that any better?

That is all for now

@sobersoulchic

Sober Life: The Moment | 6+1+19

The moment came so fast and out of nowhere that I didn’t have time to fight it even if I had wanted too. I’m so thankful! I want to share with you what moment I decided to get sober. Here is my Sober Life: The Moment

There are times I look back during The Dark Days that I even wonder how I am still here to even share with you my journey. I, so many times consumed so much Meth that I surely should have died! Going through 2-3 grams of dope BY MYSELF a day! And I remember that in those moments I use to think, “Damm this is all I got? How are we going to get more, this shit isn’t gonna last an hour!”

Sounds crazy but it is true. Of course TJ & I would end up crazy out of our minds either fighting or on some wild ass adventure to get more. There are memories that are not all bad of course, but that is another post I definitely have to write about!

Anyways, we would takeout in his moms car for hours and hours and hustle our way into another few grams until that was gone. Sometimes we would end up laying in a field on our backs frozen still because we didn’t want the cops to see us, or ducked off at our buddy “Emps” house fighting like cats and dogs for whatever reason, or laid up in bed at a so called friends house tangled up in each other because it was the only thing that filled our minds.

It seemed as if we could go on forever living the life we were but both of us were starting to get fed up with not only life but each other.

Two people that at one time in our lives were each others best friend, now could barely speak to one another without anger on the tip of their tongues like fire.

But we kept going…

Until…..

TJ stood up and threw the “bowl” on the floor and said “I’m done. Dammit, I can’t do this anymore. Your miserable and your going to lose it. I’m losing it. I won’t watch you go down this road again. I can’t let you do this. I can’t do this anymore!”

And that was it….

We told everyone close to us that we were done and to please respect it. And that was the last time we did Meth.

That was February 17, 2019.

What makes US get to the point of stopping on our own without intervention or rehabilitation? I can’t really tell you except that you will be so fed up with everything and everyone around you including yourself that it no longer remains important in your life.

Maybe you have to go through every single deep dark pit of your own personal hell to see the point of getting out. I have said that before.

You cannot do dope for a little while and get out.

Its going to take every thing from you first and put you through your own hell first. That is the best way for me to explain it to you. Meth creates your own personal hell and makes you LIVE through it all.

You have to feel every pain and emotion, you have to see your entire life falling apart, you have to bare witness to your own destruction of all that is YOUR LIFE. Taking your family, friends, loved ones, trust, dignity, morals, beliefs, reputation, common sense, education, health, joy, smiles, love, connections, and more all away from you so you are left with nothing besides the devil and his minion screaming “Give me more! Feed me fire! So I can destroy what you have left!”

And for some that is when death comes because they cannot take anymore but they do not know how to hold on enough to fight back or they don’t have God in their heart and they lose the battle.

For TJ & I we are two of the lucky ones!

We went through it all together and we have came out of it together. He has been so amazing. We each make our own choice every day to stay sober. But we choose it together. I love him in a way that I have never loved anyone else.

TJ has insecurities I wish he didn’t have. If he could see into my heart or if my love for him had a touch to it and he could feel it physically? He would know that I love him so very deeply. And he has no reason to doubt anything at all.

And I thank him silently every day for doing what he did that day.

I hope that he loves me even a quarter of the way I love him.

I love you TJ.

That is all for now

@chic_sober