For everything inside of me I am struggling the past few days. All I want to do is hold or see my beautuiful babies! Sometimes I find myself in a mid-day frantic because I start to think what if they are forgetting about me?
You know so many people has judge me during this time in my life. All they see though is that one day I was a super-fantastic mom and then
I’m not a mother anymore because j got custody!
And they think that I just let it happen. That I wanted it that way? Are they insane! Something deeper and much darker was consuming me and I couldn’t fucking stop it! I didn’t just stop wanting or loving them.
I was Freaking sick!
And it was so damm hard to control!
I didn’t know how to deal! I didn’t know that it was going to ruin me and ruin their lives too!
I tried so hard to control it.
Tried to let go.
Tried to hold on.
I freaking failed!
And now he just keeps them away from me! I don’t get no say in my place in thier life?
I get to be erased?
I get to be discontinued?
I get to be forgotten?
they are my children too!!!!!!!!!!
Why does he have to act like he just so damm perfect! Like he knows EVERYTHING! And that he is all that is grand and holy for our children!
Because he has a new wife that PRETENDS SHE IS ME!
I MATTER TO THEM TOO!!!!
I know I made mistakes and bad choices but that does not make me a bad person or a bad mom! No one will ever be able to change that I am thier mother, no matter how much they might want too!
No, one can say that I didn’t love them! Because I did and I do!
I told Judge Hall that I thought they would be better at J & Ash’s place because I knew I couldn’t care for them to the best of my ability at that time!
can you imagine how hard that was for me!?
The hardest moment ever in my life! I try to message him! I try to call him! I try to show him that I am doing well and that I am no longer sick and that I can be consistent and steady and sober and live right! But he won’t even answer the damn phone or text message!
I miss the smell of thier childlike skin, the crooked turn in Zacary’s smiles, the goofiness of Haylie’s laugh, the angel like sweetness of Alyssa’s hugs, & the hold of Jaylynn’s hand in mine! I miss the laughs, the …..
I can’t write anymore..
Until next time