Q24: What is something you wish someone would say to you?
A24: You are an inspriation!
HaHa! Doesn’t everyone want someone to say that to them!
I mean for real though I’d love for someone to tell me that my story helped them in some way. That I inspired them to live a better life. That would be awesome!
That is all for now
Q23: What does your support system look like? How can you make it stronger?
A23: Like the Endless Sea!
Oh, I have been waiting to answer this question because it brings me great joy to talk about my support system or what I like to call them my “Encouraging Warriors! Because without them I would no be where I am today. Each ecncouraging warrior of mine help me in different ways. They each do something that the others cannot do because they’re different.
I love all of them very much.
I say that it looks like the endless sea because they are strong like the ravious waves, beautiful as the deep blue water, and endless in thier ways they offer me support.
I imagine it could only get better if God sends someone else my way to add to them.
God. He has brought me out of the darkness and fills my life with beautiful things. Not material things but things such as hope, smiles, children, love, friendship, trust, grace, mercy, forgivness, the Holy Ghost, worship, and so much more! I cannot do this without him in my life!
TJ is the solid steadfast foundation that I stand on. He catches my every fall, wipes my tears, takes my bad days like a rockstart, and reminds me that I doing great everyday. Having a relationship while USING together is detromental to your relationship. Being able to hold your relationship together AFTER your drugs use is RARE! We used together and now we are sober together. This is something that normally doesn’t happen but then again he and I have never been normal! TJ is the one person that even when I am mad at him and the world can still make me laugh til I cry. There are days that I am so down right rotten to him because I am dealing with emotions and the devil on my back and he simply tries to make it better or talk me through it. He doesn’t get mad at me or tell me I need to leave or that he wants to leave. He just sits there and lets me say or have whatever attitude I have with him until its’ over and I apolozie because I know I have been a complete arse! I love him for this and so many other things. He is my best friend. He is my rock. I love him!
Sister J at first I thought didn’t like me at all and I was sure she judged me because my mother is my mother and that just pissed me off. But in the past few months I have learned very different. She is funny and knownledge in all that matters: a life walking hand in hand with God. She gives me that motherly advice and sometimes when I really need it she will hold me while I cry. I don’t have to lie about the things I have done because I feel like I can really talk to her. Just the other day I left from work and about half way home I was crying a hard, soulful, loud cry and talking to God. I felt like my head was going to explode and then before I knew it I was at her & Brother J’s door asking if she was still home. I walked in and she just opened her arms and we stood there crying and praying and when I finally felt like I could breath she talked me through one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. I literally felt a since of reliefe as she prayed for me; she is a true prayer warrior and when she prays God hears her words. I left feeling better. Then the next day I came home and crashed out because the darkness of depression wanted to creep in on me and yet again she rescued me by dragging my tale out of bed and telling me I needed to come to church! I didn’t want to but I did and I was glad too because I felt once again a feeling of reliefe when it was all over. She is truly a wonderful person. Who is also pretty funny and kinda sassy at times! But most of all she is a person that I look up too in many ways!
Brother J I cannot explain in words what kind of man he is! Kind, caring, understanding, and generious beyond words. He is a Pastor and a man that truly lives for God. Like his wife Sister J, he doesn’t judge me and hold my past against me. He simply does his best to show me how to live my life better and how to walk with God. You know TJ and I never actually asked him to live in the home he first put us in, we never asked for the jobs he gave us, or for the car he bought for us. He simply gave us jobs so that we can work and have money to pay him for our car and have things for ourselves. Him and his wife has just opened thier lives for us and given us the chance to save ourselves and be someone. Brother J carries with him at all times a comfort that is instantly given out to those when he walks into a room. His guidence and words of wisdom all come from God and a life of expereince. He has helped give me and TJ a chance at living life and having something one day. He knows our story and where we were 6 months ago but he still pushes us to do better and believe in ourselves. Every time I talk to him or see him I learn something new from him and I know that it is something I will need to know in the future. He carries so much on him I imagine and you cannot tell because he doesn’t allow it. His messages from God and being a man who wants to help others are clear to see when he is around. I cannot think of a better man than him! Not to mention he is a really funny guy too!
Those are the 3 main people I have in my life that are my support team!
Of course there are the 5 lil ones here with me and 2 lil ones not here with me that make my heart full of joy and love every time I see them. They may not be mine but they are loved by me deeply and I care about them. It is because of these very 7 children that I am able to smile most days. Thank you for sharing them with me!
There are others that help so much too Christy & her husband James, Christine & her husband Stephen, and even Brother & Sister J’s son Johnboy! And a few others that in thier own way show me that I don’t want to do drugs anymore and be the person I once was! They all help keep me sane and full of hope, love, and desire to do better. Each one doing something different and supporting me in a way that cannot be replaced by another.
They have become my family! And I will forever be grateful!
I love you all so very much!
That is all for now
Q22: What things make you feel bad, but you find yourself doing them anyway?
A22: Thinking of my kids and looking through our pictures!
I cannot help it. I miss their faces, their smiles, I miss every single thing about each one of them but I should not mentally mess myself up and sit and look through our pictures for hours.
I always end up crying and angry for a time and that leaves me just in a horrid state of mind. But i do that day in and day out because I know that for every moment that I sit and cry it only pushes me harder to do my best for them to bring them back home to me.
So yeah, its bad for me. But I do it anyways.
That is all for now
Q21: What is something you’re working on believing you deserve?
A21: My children
I messed up!
My life as a mother was always something that came easy for me. I never struggled with getting them to listen, eat, changing diapers, bedtime, play time, or any of the late up all night never get any sleep, kind of struggles.
I enjoyed every moment of being a mother and it always came easy for me. I loved spending time with my kids, I loved teaching my kids, I loved making them smile, I loved everything about being a mom. There wasn’t a better life for me. I never said “What would my life be like without them” because I never wanted to know what life would be like without them. I just knew I would always have them.
I took it granted and then…
It happened.
I realized I was waking up and going to sleep without them and then before I kenw it I was always awake with out them because I was always high and never sleeping. That is a 24 hour around the clock sometimes more always thinking of thier absense kind of thing. How did I let it get that way so fast.
Anyhow, I’m getting side tracked. The answer is not all that happened, but what or how I am working on believing that I deserve them again. I know that they deserve the best possible life I can give them. Stability, honesty, love, teachings, education, homestead, a walk in life with God, and a mother who is no longer sick nor neglegent of not only herself but her children as well.
So I messed up and started to believe that Jon deserved them more than I do because he doesn’t battle with addiction, lives with stability, and all the finer things that comes along with not struggling in life. He provides for them and does a fantastic job at doing so.
I have not always done the best at those things but I am changing that . I am setting my roots, keeping a job, saving money, going to church, establishing life where I am loved, respected, and honorable. I feel that as each days passes without my kids since Feburary 17, 2019 I am another day closer and a million steps closer to deserving my kids in my life. I know I have a bit more to go but I am doing what I need and so deeply want to do for them and for myself and for God.
I am starting to believe in myself again.
That is all for now
Q20: How can you give yourself a break today? Mentally, physcially, emotionally?
A20: Stop overthinking about everything; stop think at all!
I just get so caught up in my emotions that it literally takes everything out of me! I find myself mentally, physically, and emotionally drained! I mean really thinking about the things I cannot change get’s to overwhelming for me. I don’t mean to do it, I just do.
So what I need to do to give myself a break is to just take time to not think at all.
My life is pretty laid back and I am extremely blessed but such a huge part of me is still broken and that is what I need to just stop thinking about. I want to give myself a break from the daily emotional torement I have been feeling here lately, I so desperately need that break.
But how do I do that?
That is all for now
@chic_sober
Q19: How are you making the world a better place?
A19: Spreading goodness, kindess, & loving people.
I have to say I don’t really think I am one of those people making the world a better place. I am just one person and some days I can barely breath because of my own worries. However, I do try my best these days to be kind to everyone I meet, do good in the community around me, and love both those who deserve it and those who don’t.
Now, if the question had asked how I WANT to make the world a better place? My answer would be this:
I would like to start a non-profit that helps those going through addiction. Offer them a completely free place to get sober and find a life after addiction. This place would be at no cost to them. They would have housing, jobs, a personal life coach, church services, and we would teach them about life stability, mental stability, physical stabiliy, healthy relationships, sobriety success, caring for themselves and others, and anything else needed to know about being in recovery. This place wouldn’t be about strick rules or court orders (though I would offer it through the court systems) it would be a place to make them feel like they can do this on thier own without actually being on thier own. And as they grew in thier sobreity I would help them to inspire other’s so that they felt the importance of thier success.
I know there are rehabs and centers to get help. However, 99% of those places force you to stay, cost you and your family thousands of dollars, teach you the text book basics, and never care to help you more once you have “completed” or left thier program.
Mine would be different. Each person would have thier own life coach and even after they left that person would be welcome any time to come back incase of extra help needed or whatever the reason!
Addiction is an epidemic and it needs to stop. Addiction takes the lives of otherwise beautiful, kind, smart, & fantastic individuls and ruins every part of them and thier families lives. There needs to be a place that people can really offer help and actually CARE about the people that walked through the doors.
Teens and adults suffer from addiction and I want to help both. That is how I would truly like to change the world!
That is all for now
Q18: What’s one change you can make to increase your happiness?
A18: Live in the present
We are not promised tomorrow and I sometimes get to focused on the future and forget to live in the present moment. I don’t do this alot but I get side tracked at times. I need to make sure that I try to live in the now. When I am thinking of all that I want or need for the future I can get discouraged about what I don’t have right now.
That takes away from all the blessings I do have in my life everyday now.
Living in the now will keep me happier because my life is pretty great right now. Good job, in college, dependable car, money in my bank account, a savings account that isn’t empty, safe and good place to live, church twice a week, family and friends that care, support system, children around me that just adore me and I adore them, a boyfriend that makes me smile, God walking with me in everything I do, and a goofy dog that gets on my nerves!
My life is pretty legit and I need to not forget that. I may not have my own children back YET but GOD has placed two handfuls of children in my life that help to ease the pain and give me the love that only children can give!
I need not forget that.
That is all for now
@chic_sober
Q17: When was the last time you indulged yourself and why?
A17: Church Camp!
I bought myself some clothes! Why? Well for one I am huge these days and nothing fits me! I still want to feel like I look pretty and feel good about myself. There were young girls and very pretty women walking around looking beautiful and here I was dressed in clothes that were not fit to my body right and made me feel outdated and unruly.
I wanted to feel pretty.
Yes I know that is silly at 31 years old but I am still a woman and I am still young and these are my truths. I went from a size 2/3 weighing 115lbs to a size 12/14 weighing 165lbs in 165 days! That is 50lbs! My body is not what I want it to be. So I decided since they were selling all these cute dresses and skirts with tops to match I would just do something for ME and buy a few! I walked out of there with a super cute long soft blue dress with pockets! A lepord pencil skirt, a super cute tshirt, and a cardigan that will go with anything! I felt like I looked totally different.
Silly I know, but hey what can a girl do?
That is all for now
@chic_sober
Q16: What is the most loving thing you’ve ever done for yourself?
A16: Get clean and sober!
No doubt this answer is easy! I put myself through hell during the Devil Days and my body, mind, and soul was wrecked! My hair was falling out, nails wouldn’t grow, skin looked horrible, I was too skinny, and there were huge bags under my eyes. I am only 31 but I looked 45! I didn’t care what was happening to my mind, body, and soul. Getting clean I can now see how horrible I treated myself inside and out. It was the kindest and most loving thing I could have ever done for myself was to get clean.
Now, my hair is growing, my nails are long, my skin looks great, and I have a good weight size! Of course I need to keep my weight in check or else I’m going to look like a hippo in a wal-mart bag but still I am healthy. You can’t look at me now and tell that I ever did drugs because I look good.
I love myself again and that feels great. I know that I can be somebody now and that feels great too.
I am happier
That is all for now.
@chic_sober
Q15: What are you afraid to ask for? What do you need to speak up about?
A15: I am afraid to ask if TJ really loves me! I need to speak up about addiction & recovery.
The first answer is a touchy topic for me. I don’t talk about our relationship much because I have a lot of insecurities that I hide or at least try to hide them. When we were doing the drugs all we did was fight and spend every waking minute together. Of course there were moments where things were good. During the moments of intimancy things were always intense and almost an all the time thing. Now, that we are sober we have our own lives such as work, hobbies, and relaxing times. We each do our own thing and though we are still spending time together, things are not the same. I sometimes feel like we are roomates who happen to be intimate with each other from time to time. I know that I make him smile and that he cares for me deeply but I am not sure that he is “in love” with me. I don’t feel that tingling touch from him anymore because well he doesn’t touch me much these days. His kisses are pecks never really anything intimate. He used to look at me with desire and fire in his eyes and now I am lucky to get him to really look at me at all. When I walk in a room I want his eyes to fall on mine and I don’t want to question if it is love and desire that I see in them; right now all I see is uncertinaty. He doesn’t try to take me on dates or to do anything really special, he doesn’t ever just stop and hold me and tell me that he loves his life with me and that he is glad to be living this life with me. Now, I know I don’t do these things either and I don’t “try” right now much myself but I don’t want to put my all into this and then get my heart broken. He is the man in our relationship and I have always been very clear on what I need from him; so why don’t he try now? I just want to feel that fire from him that I felt when we first got together. I struggle with this a lot here lately. But I am too afraid of what his honest answer will be if I ask him, do you really love me?
Whoa, now that I am done with that brutally honest answer! I really need to start speaking up about addiction, recovery, and the like! I want to get out more and find others who need help and show them that there are ways to make it out and live a good life. I want to offer support, advice, and more to those in need of help from addiction. Most of the programs available you have to have money and I want to be able to help them no matter if they have money or not. I have began developing a plan to start putting this into action. Baby steps I guess, uh?
That is al for now
@chic_sober
Sober Soul Chic 