28 Questions Q15 | 06+07+19

Q15: What are you afraid to ask for? What do you need to speak up about?

A15: I am afraid to ask if TJ really loves me! I need to speak up about addiction & recovery.

The first answer is a touchy topic for me. I don’t talk about our relationship much because I have a lot of insecurities that I hide or at least try to hide them. When we were doing the drugs all we did was fight and spend every waking minute together. Of course there were moments where things were good. During the moments of intimancy things were always intense and almost an all the time thing. Now, that we are sober we have our own lives such as work, hobbies, and relaxing times. We each do our own thing and though we are still spending time together, things are not the same. I sometimes feel like we are roomates who happen to be intimate with each other from time to time. I know that I make him smile and that he cares for me deeply but I am not sure that he is “in love” with me. I don’t feel that tingling touch from him anymore because well he doesn’t touch me much these days. His kisses are pecks never really anything intimate. He used to look at me with desire and fire in his eyes and now I am lucky to get him to really look at me at all. When I walk in a room I want his eyes to fall on mine and I don’t want to question if it is love and desire that I see in them; right now all I see is uncertinaty. He doesn’t try to take me on dates or to do anything really special, he doesn’t ever just stop and hold me and tell me that he loves his life with me and that he is glad to be living this life with me. Now, I know I don’t do these things either and I don’t “try” right now much myself but I don’t want to put my all into this and then get my heart broken. He is the man in our relationship and I have always been very clear on what I need from him; so why don’t he try now? I just want to feel that fire from him that I felt when we first got together. I struggle with this a lot here lately. But I am too afraid of what his honest answer will be if I ask him, do you really love me?

Whoa, now that I am done with that brutally honest answer! I really need to start speaking up about addiction, recovery, and the like! I want to get out more and find others who need help and show them that there are ways to make it out and live a good life. I want to offer support, advice, and more to those in need of help from addiction. Most of the programs available you have to have money and I want to be able to help them no matter if they have money or not. I have began developing a plan to start putting this into action. Baby steps I guess, uh?

That is al for now

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q11 | 06+03+19

Q11: How would you describe yourself in a loving way to a stranger?

A11: She is a beautitufl, crazy, passioniate, stubborn, independent mess!

Strong mentally but soft hearted. At times she can be as stubborn as the day is long, but when you get through her walls you will find a funny, good hearted, caring and passionate woman.

Oh, but she is crazy! Emotional but it comes out to be good because it shows just how muhc love she poccesses inside of her. Just don’t get her mad because when you do it’s gonna be a long night of talking til its fixed or a silent til sunrise kind of event.

She don’t need your help either! But if your the right person, she will let you in and allow you to be there for her, for when she does fall. because we all fall, don’t we?

She is a mess. Looks controlled and put together but on the inside she is thinking of everything and everyone, all that could go wrong, what she needs to do better, how she can make things better, what is affecting those around her, and how to please everyone else too.

But on the outside you will never tell!

She is simple a beautiful, crazy passionate, subborn, indepedent mess!

That is all for now

Until next time

Chic_Sober

28 Questions Q10 | 06+02+19

Q10: How can you set better boundaries in you life?

A10: REEVALUATE my boundaries

I really like to live my life without boundaries. For some people living their life like this it would be a disaster for sure. However, for me it works now days.

Why?

Simply, because I know:

What NOT to do in my life
What TO DO in my life
What I CANNOT handle in my life
What I CAN handle in my life
What I NEED in my life
What I DO NOT NEED in my life

I have lived through things I normally wound not have ever thought I could. Now, the one thing I pray I don’t go through is losing the life of one of my children, espeically any time soon. So don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

However.

Knowing the things above I can better live my life. I don’t set boundaries for myself because I have taken the time REEVALUATE MY LIFE! This happens to work for me. I don’t want to live that life of hardship and chaos anymore so I simply make the choices to stay away from anything that may cause that in my life. I know what leads to that life and I know what comes with that life.

Therefor my knowledge of what was IS MY BOUNDARY! And if someone tries to put me back into that life they are crossing it and I shut them out!

That is all for now

Until next time.

Chic_Sober

28 Questions Q9 | 06+01+19

Q9: What’s something in your life that you need to get rid of?

A9: my smoking habit

I have gone from completely destroying my body with drugs, sleep derivation, and mal-nutrition to the complete opposites and living healthy. Now, if I can just kick my smoking habit I will be doing just fine.

I might be able to workout and start jogging but while I’m smoking I just can’t do it because it takes all the oxygen out of me. My goal is to quit by August so we will see. I’m slowing down but it is a far stretch to say I’ll be able to quit by then.

Maybe I can start Vaping?

Is that any better?

That is all for now

@sobersoulchic

28 Questions Q8 | 5+31+19

Q8: Where in your life do you need to slow down & take your time?

A8: Getting my kids back

I’ve thought on this a bit and I know that this is going to be super hard, but it will be so worth it when the time arrives for me to pursue custody. I have a bad habit of rushing through things that I cannot wait for. Something I am excited or anxious about and I just want to hurry up and get tot the end result.

But I simply cannot do that with getting back the kids. God, knows I wish that I could, but I have to do this right. If I make one single mistake it can set me back so drastically. I don’t want to spend any more time away from them that I have too. However, I have a plan that I have set out so that it is fool & fail proof. Because failure is not an option. When the time comes and I am ready for court and paperwork I will be able to sit back and let it happen.

How? Well, all I can say is that I have been planning this for months and still have a lot to get in order. This is the world wide web and that my friends keeps me from saying anymore.

I tell myself everyday, ” Just slow down Candance, it will happen soon enough. Your time is coming and God is with you every step of the way so keep hanging on sweet girl.”

I’ve thought over and over 1000000 times what that day is going to be like! 🙂

That is all for now my loves!

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q7 | 05+30+19

Q7: Name a thing you love about your body & your personality

A7: My eyes or smile & that i’m goofy!

I don’t really like talking about these parts of me because I’d rather dig deeper into life lol but these are fun questions too.

My eyes because they are super dark blue but when I’m mad or upset they turn gray! And when I’m really excited or happy they have a real deep blue and green tint to them. So they change and I like that. If you want to know how I’m feeling its easily done by looking into/at my eyes. I give it all away by those things alone! Take a look!

From late last year but I love my eyes here! Notice the bluish green? I was soon fixing to see my kids!

As for my smile because I just couldn’t choose! My teeth are not the straightest and my teeth defintely could use a whitening treatment but I take care of them as much as the every day stuff will allow. But I really like my smile because its BIG! And when I’m smiling it is GENUINE! I don’t fake that shit! Because thats not me. I’ve had ex-boyfriends tell me that I have that smile that will light up a room & a laugh too hahah but hey who really knows! Anyways, take a look yourself!

So my personality is crazy yall! I am outgoing and goofy. Being so goofy is my favorite for sure. I love to make people laugh and most of the time I do a good job at it. If its singing out so loud that you can’t help but laugh or dancing like the redneck next door, there’s no doubt your going to laugh! I am that goofy girl who will make sure your laughing. That is what is so dang great about yours truly! So here ya go. Me being me! Take a look.

Recovery is Freedom

@chic_sober

28 Questions Q6 | 5+29+19

Q6: What do you need to forgive yourself for?

A6: the past 3 years of mistakes aka drug use

Oh I knew that I would have to get into this part of my life while answering these questions. I don’t know how to really even explain my answer other than to tell you all that I chose drugs over everything and everyone in my life. Yes that is including my children, sadly. This is something I have been working on for a while now. Because I need to forgive myself if I want God, my children, and my family/friends to forgive me too. I made so many mistakes that it’s hard to list them all. I didn’t start out choosing drugs first over everything and everyone else. I was managing my pill habit just fine but then I started to make the choice to not pay bills and I chased that high. Once I realized I needed to stop the pills I started to do Meth and that was an even bigger mistake because with pills I was still myself mostly but with Meth, nothing else really matters but Meth.

I can’t tell you why I let it get so bad only that it did and it happen quickly. I love my children more than my own life and how Meth was able to diminish that out of me I’ll never understand. But it did and that’s why I choose to not do it now, because I can no longer have my children believing that I love DRUGS more than I love them. I let them down so much. I allowed their dad to get custody, I stopped showing up for things that I promised I would, I stopped playing with them, I stopped listening to them, I stopped tucking them in bed at night, I stopped saying their prayers with them. I didn’t let them cook dinner with me, dancing in the kitchen, singing in the car, playing outside, showing them my undeniable love. It breaks my heart to know that I in so many ways let them down. God, I pray they allow me to make it up to them one day.

Forgive
verb

stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
definition of forgive

To forgive myself I need to do what is listed above. Have a fully forgiven myself? No! But I am making progress. I still get that knot in my stomach when I talk about what my drug use did to my children. I don’t know if that will go away or if it is part of my healing. I know that I am living every single day for my kids; for getting back to them. See their dad J, he seems to think that me out of their life forever is what is best. They have their step mom Ash and a perfect little life with them. But she is not me and neither of them can love them the way that I do.

I faltered for a moment and God knows I at times want to take it back but I love them with every single fiber of my SOUL!

If I had not gone through of the things I have went through the past year I would not be able to be who I am today. And I am happy with who I am. Later down the road my children are going to face situations like I have and I want to be able to be honest with them when I say ” I understand what your going through”.

Something their father nor Ash will be able too.

Because of their super clean life.

Lets face it. We have 4 children and of those 4 at least 1 if not 2 of them are going to face the drug world. And because I have been through what I have I will know how hard it will be to not do them, stop doing them, or battle with addiction. And because of all this I will be able to help them through it. I know now that God put me through that struggle for reasons. So I am able to start forgiving myself for doing the drugs. I am also in the process of forgiving myself for letting my children down so drastically. This is a little bit harder because I cannot talk to my kids right now.

J refuses to let me.

That is his mistake.

My gain

In time, however, my sweet perfect babies will know that I was sick but not one moment in time did I ever stop loving them.

In time, I’ll have them back. In time, they’ll have me back too.

Just wait and see.

Recovery is Freedom

@sobersoulchic

28 Questions Q5 | 5+28+19

Q5: What is something you need to start saying YES to?

A5: Going to church more!

I don’t go to church nearly enough! It simply was not something my mother and I did growing up. So it’s a bit more difficult implement into my life as an adult. However, TJ & I went just this pass Sunday and let me tell you it was emotional. By the end of the service we were both in tears and I know now that I want and will be going back again. Over the past year I have gotten a closer relationship with my God and I definitely need to exercise that in all parts of my life. I know that God provides for us and we need to shower ourselves in his love so that we can see the true joy he will give us. So from here on out I want to make sure that I start saying YES when my uncle ask me to come to his service.

Yes my Uncle Lez is a Preacher and a funny one at that! I don’t want to offend anyone who follows my blog by speaking about religion so at this point if you’d rather not continue reading I understand but I want to share with you a FB live video of one of his services.

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28 Questions Q4 | 5+27+19

Q4: What is a compliment you struggle to accept about yourself?

A4: that i am sexxi! OMG did i just say that?

This is somethings that is hard for me to accept. My boyfriend tells me this almost every single day.

“Babydoll you are so sexxi!” And almost immediately I say “whatever” or “your crazy” and he sometimes will say to me, “Why don’t you just accept it”

But its hard because I don’t always feel it. I mean when I think of a sexxi woman I think Jennifer Anniston in Horrible Bosses or Jessica Alba in Honey. But not Candance in everyday life! HaHa. I am not insecure. I feel beautiful most days. I love my body, my hair, my mind, and more but unless I am dressed to the max and got a little sexxi number on I don’t consider myself sexxi. So therefore it is hard for me to accept that compliment. I consider myself everyday beautiful. Just normal not sexxi. But I’m working on that!

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28 Questions Q3 | 5+26+19

Q3: What good habit do you want to begin next month?

A3: CONSISTENCY

I am getting better! But this is something that I sometimes can fall back on. I will get side tracked or distracted and not do what I need to on a regular basis.

con·sist·en·cy
/kənˈsistənsē/
Learn to pronounce
noun

1.
conformity in the application of something, typically that which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness.

So there you have it. I need to be more consistent! I’ve given myself a head start on here for doing this next month because I’ve dedicated myself to this 28 Questions series and I really want to follow it through. The questions get more in-tune with who I am a little later into it. So far I am enjoying this! I think that in June I want to do a Questions series tailored around Addiction. I feel like its something I need to do!

Anyways, I’ve went and got myself one of the beautiful planners from,–> The Happy Planner! They are super fun and insanely pretty! You can create your own personalized planner and make planning fun! This is hopefully going to help me organize all that I have going on and what I have to do and it’ll be pretty too! You should definitely check them out here @ —-> website shop where you can get awesome deals! They are also sold here –> Wal-Mart There are tons of styles, stickers, & journals!

Well, that is all for this one. Until next time

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