Q18: What’s one change you can make to increase your happiness?
A18: Live in the present
We are not promised tomorrow and I sometimes get to focused on the future and forget to live in the present moment. I don’t do this alot but I get side tracked at times. I need to make sure that I try to live in the now. When I am thinking of all that I want or need for the future I can get discouraged about what I don’t have right now.
That takes away from all the blessings I do have in my life everyday now.
Living in the now will keep me happier because my life is pretty great right now. Good job, in college, dependable car, money in my bank account, a savings account that isn’t empty, safe and good place to live, church twice a week, family and friends that care, support system, children around me that just adore me and I adore them, a boyfriend that makes me smile, God walking with me in everything I do, and a goofy dog that gets on my nerves!
My life is pretty legit and I need to not forget that. I may not have my own children back YET but GOD has placed two handfuls of children in my life that help to ease the pain and give me the love that only children can give!
Q17: When was the last time you indulged yourself and why?
A17: Church Camp!
I bought myself some clothes! Why? Well for one I am huge these days and nothing fits me! I still want to feel like I look pretty and feel good about myself. There were young girls and very pretty women walking around looking beautiful and here I was dressed in clothes that were not fit to my body right and made me feel outdated and unruly.
I wanted to feel pretty.
Yes I know that is silly at 31 years old but I am still a woman and I am still young and these are my truths. I went from a size 2/3 weighing 115lbs to a size 12/14 weighing 165lbs in 165 days! That is 50lbs! My body is not what I want it to be. So I decided since they were selling all these cute dresses and skirts with tops to match I would just do something for ME and buy a few! I walked out of there with a super cute long soft blue dress with pockets! A lepord pencil skirt, a super cute tshirt, and a cardigan that will go with anything! I felt like I looked totally different.
Q16: What is the most loving thing you’ve ever done for yourself?
A16: Get clean and sober!
No doubt this answer is easy! I put myself through hell during the Devil Days and my body, mind, and soul was wrecked! My hair was falling out, nails wouldn’t grow, skin looked horrible, I was too skinny, and there were huge bags under my eyes. I am only 31 but I looked 45! I didn’t care what was happening to my mind, body, and soul. Getting clean I can now see how horrible I treated myself inside and out. It was the kindest and most loving thing I could have ever done for myself was to get clean.
Now, my hair is growing, my nails are long, my skin looks great, and I have a good weight size! Of course I need to keep my weight in check or else I’m going to look like a hippo in a wal-mart bag but still I am healthy. You can’t look at me now and tell that I ever did drugs because I look good.
I love myself again and that feels great. I know that I can be somebody now and that feels great too.
Q15: What are you afraid to ask for? What do you need to speak up about?
A15: I am afraid to ask if TJ really loves me! I need to speak up about addiction & recovery.
The first answer is a touchy topic for me. I don’t talk about our relationship much because I have a lot of insecurities that I hide or at least try to hide them. When we were doing the drugs all we did was fight and spend every waking minute together. Of course there were moments where things were good. During the moments of intimancy things were always intense and almost an all the time thing. Now, that we are sober we have our own lives such as work, hobbies, and relaxing times. We each do our own thing and though we are still spending time together, things are not the same. I sometimes feel like we are roomates who happen to be intimate with each other from time to time. I know that I make him smile and that he cares for me deeply but I am not sure that he is “in love” with me. I don’t feel that tingling touch from him anymore because well he doesn’t touch me much these days. His kisses are pecks never really anything intimate. He used to look at me with desire and fire in his eyes and now I am lucky to get him to really look at me at all. When I walk in a room I want his eyes to fall on mine and I don’t want to question if it is love and desire that I see in them; right now all I see is uncertinaty. He doesn’t try to take me on dates or to do anything really special, he doesn’t ever just stop and hold me and tell me that he loves his life with me and that he is glad to be living this life with me. Now, I know I don’t do these things either and I don’t “try” right now much myself but I don’t want to put my all into this and then get my heart broken. He is the man in our relationship and I have always been very clear on what I need from him; so why don’t he try now? I just want to feel that fire from him that I felt when we first got together. I struggle with this a lot here lately. But I am too afraid of what his honest answer will be if I ask him, do you really love me?
Whoa, now that I am done with that brutally honest answer! I really need to start speaking up about addiction, recovery, and the like! I want to get out more and find others who need help and show them that there are ways to make it out and live a good life. I want to offer support, advice, and more to those in need of help from addiction. Most of the programs available you have to have money and I want to be able to help them no matter if they have money or not. I have began developing a plan to start putting this into action. Baby steps I guess, uh?
Q11: How would you describe yourself in a loving way to a stranger?
A11: She is a beautitufl, crazy, passioniate, stubborn, independent mess!
Strong mentally but soft hearted. At times she can be as stubborn as the day is long, but when you get through her walls you will find a funny, good hearted, caring and passionate woman.
Oh, but she is crazy! Emotional but it comes out to be good because it shows just how muhc love she poccesses inside of her. Just don’t get her mad because when you do it’s gonna be a long night of talking til its fixed or a silent til sunrise kind of event.
She don’t need your help either! But if your the right person, she will let you in and allow you to be there for her, for when she does fall. because we all fall, don’t we?
She is a mess. Looks controlled and put together but on the inside she is thinking of everything and everyone, all that could go wrong, what she needs to do better, how she can make things better, what is affecting those around her, and how to please everyone else too.
But on the outside you will never tell!
She is simple a beautiful, crazy passionate, subborn, indepedent mess!
Q10: How can you set better boundaries in you life?
A10: REEVALUATE my boundaries
I really like to live my life without boundaries. For some people living their life like this it would be a disaster for sure. However, for me it works now days.
Simply, because I know:
What NOT to do in my life
What TO DO in my life
What I CANNOT handle in my life
What I CAN handle in my life
What I NEED in my life
What I DO NOT NEED in my life
I have lived through things I normally wound not have ever thought I could. Now, the one thing I pray I don’t go through is losing the life of one of my children, espeically any time soon. So don’t think I’m being unreasonable.
Knowing the things above I can better live my life. I don’t set boundaries for myself because I have taken the time REEVALUATE MY LIFE! This happens to work for me. I don’t want to live that life of hardship and chaos anymore so I simply make the choices to stay away from anything that may cause that in my life. I know what leads to that life and I know what comes with that life.
Therefor my knowledge of what was IS MY BOUNDARY! And if someone tries to put me back into that life they are crossing it and I shut them out!
Q9: What’s something in your life that you need to get rid of?
A9: my smoking habit
I have gone from completely destroying my body with drugs, sleep derivation, and mal-nutrition to the complete opposites and living healthy. Now, if I can just kick my smoking habit I will be doing just fine.
I might be able to workout and start jogging but while I’m smoking I just can’t do it because it takes all the oxygen out of me. My goal is to quit by August so we will see. I’m slowing down but it is a far stretch to say I’ll be able to quit by then.
Q8: Where in your life do you need to slow down & take your time?
A8: Getting my kids back
I’ve thought on this a bit and I know that this is going to be super hard, but it will be so worth it when the time arrives for me to pursue custody. I have a bad habit of rushing through things that I cannot wait for. Something I am excited or anxious about and I just want to hurry up and get tot the end result.
But I simply cannot do that with getting back the kids. God, knows I wish that I could, but I have to do this right. If I make one single mistake it can set me back so drastically. I don’t want to spend any more time away from them that I have too. However, I have a plan that I have set out so that it is fool & fail proof. Because failure is not an option. When the time comes and I am ready for court and paperwork I will be able to sit back and let it happen.
How? Well, all I can say is that I have been planning this for months and still have a lot to get in order. This is the world wide web and that my friends keeps me from saying anymore.
I tell myself everyday, ” Just slow down Candance, it will happen soon enough. Your time is coming and God is with you every step of the way so keep hanging on sweet girl.”
I’ve thought over and over 1000000 times what that day is going to be like! 🙂
Q7: Name a thing you love about your body & your personality
A7: My eyes or smile & that i’m goofy!
I don’t really like talking about these parts of me because I’d rather dig deeper into life lol but these are fun questions too.
My eyes because they are super dark blue but when I’m mad or upset they turn gray! And when I’m really excited or happy they have a real deep blue and green tint to them. So they change and I like that. If you want to know how I’m feeling its easily done by looking into/at my eyes. I give it all away by those things alone! Take a look!
As for my smile because I just couldn’t choose! My teeth are not the straightest and my teeth defintely could use a whitening treatment but I take care of them as much as the every day stuff will allow. But I really like my smile because its BIG! And when I’m smiling it is GENUINE! I don’t fake that shit! Because thats not me. I’ve had ex-boyfriends tell me that I have that smile that will light up a room & a laugh too hahah but hey who really knows! Anyways, take a look yourself!
So my personality is crazy yall! I am outgoing and goofy. Being so goofy is my favorite for sure. I love to make people laugh and most of the time I do a good job at it. If its singing out so loud that you can’t help but laugh or dancing like the redneck next door, there’s no doubt your going to laugh! I am that goofy girl who will make sure your laughing. That is what is so dang great about yours truly! So here ya go. Me being me! Take a look.